Wookiee Goldberg
- "Rarrrww animal! Muhwa biiiiitch!"
- ―Darth Animal (Translation: I animal! She bitch!)
| |
| Wookiee Goldberg | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld | |
| Born |
Unfortunately |
| Died |
Fortunately |
| Physical description | |
| Species | |
| Gender | |
| Hair color |
Lots of it |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Era(s) | |
| Affiliation | |
Wookiee Goldberg was an insane Wookiee Madclaw! from Kashyyyk. Created out of excess pubic hair and the guttings of a parakeet, Goldberg was created by the mad genius Dr. Dick-Smith Deez Nuts. Never heard of him? Neither have we. Wookiee lived a relatively short life, only living to the age of six months.
Biography
Artificial misconception
Two years after the Battle for the Brotherhood, enemy to the Brotherhood of the Bird, Dr. Dick-Smith Deez Nuts began working on his next project. After the killing of Big Bird during that battle, he realized he could create a being with enough Force power to dominate the Empire. Traveling to Kashyyyk in exile, (no, not the Jedi Exile. I bet Deez Nuts would have liked to have been in her, though.) he built the machinery needed. Five weeks later, everything was ready for testing. Using pubic hair from twenty unfortunate Wookiees and the guttings of the slain Big Bird, the machine created something horribly evil: Wookiee Goldberg. At some point during the creation of Wookiee, something went wrong. When everything was over, a raging Madclaw! was spit out of the contraption. Having absolutely no Force power whatsoever, Dr. Deez Nuts was extremely disappointed and tried to exterminate the Madclaw! However, Wookiee wasn't gonna give up without a fight. Engaging the doctor in a fierce battle, Wookiee succeeded and escaped just after giving her creator a Madclaw! bite, making him become a Madclaw!, himself. Wookiee escaped, leaving Deez Nuts to heal alone.
Into the wild
- "WOOGY WOOGY WOOGY WOOGY!!!"
- ―Wookiee Goldberg's first words. (Translation: MY VAGINA MY VAGINA MY VAGINA!!!)
Wookiee lived in the wild of Kashyyyk for a great while trying to convince herself her jokes were funny by repeatedly making jokes about things like how evil Whitey was and how much her vagina had dried up. Five months after her "birth," a MANDALORIAN trooper, high on spice, tried to pick a fight with the Madclaw! The fight only lasted several minutes before turning into long, sweaty, passionate Wookiee-Nookie. Because of this, the Mando impregnated Wookiee. Three weeks later, a premature animal was born, resulting in him becoming a Madclaw! just like his mother. Unfortunately for Wookiee and fortunately for us, her son, now named Animal Fett-Goldberg, dropped an inflatable forklift on her head not long after the Wookiee Elders tried to outcast him, effectively killing the raging Madclaw! Wookiee was only six months old at the time of her death.
Legacy
- "Wookiee-Nookie is like rape, but it's not like rape-rape."
- ―Wookiee Goldberg
It was believed that because of her creation using Big Bird's guttings, her son Animal was able to use the Force. This is supported by the fact that Animal's unofficial Sith master, Darth Elmo, was also a prophet of Big Bird. When Animal was selected to become his next apprentice, Elmo felt an unusual amount of Force potential, unlike he had sensed ever since the death of Bird.
Behind the scenes
Wookiee Goldberg was based on the real-life comedian Kathy Griffin who has destroyed many planets during her career.
