Watto
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| Watto | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld | |
| Born |
Looooooong before |
| Died |
Looooooong after |
| Physical description | |
| Species | |
| Gender | |
| Height |
Short |
| Hair color |
None |
| Eye color |
Big |
| Cybernetics |
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| Chronological and political information | |
| Affiliation |
Himself, The Dork Side |
| Known masters |
Bates |
- "Republic credits? Oy vey, whaddaya, some kinda meshuggah schlemiel? Get outta here, ya putz! Also, 'mazel tov'."
- ―Watto
Watto, aka Watto the Great, Watto the Multi-faceted, That Dude who Stole All my Stuff, or simply 'Shithead', was a Turd. No, a Toydarian. Maybe a little bit of both. He was also universally revered as the greatest polymath ever was the longest living creature ever to live. An offensive Jewish stereotype, he was born long before even Yoda and died long after. He was renowned for his skills as a doctor, lawyer, chiropractor, sculptor, writer, inventor, grave-digger, masseuse, artist, scientist, engineer, judge, musician, geisha, worm farmer, Tusken Raider, slave trader, cult-leader, master-forger, Jewish person, shithead, and much, much more. His life and legacy are almost larger than the galaxy itself. At one time he also owned Anakin Skywalker, but when Qui Gon and his Hippie disciples became stranded on Tatooine, Watto rigged the Boonta Eve podrace so as to unload the little squirt.
He was, however, most acclaimed for his work as a thief who stole a whole lot of stuff. The high point of his career was marked by his international best seller Some Time Later, in a Galaxy About the Same Distance Away, a novel about a fictional wet rock in the middle of nowhere. He was also notorious for having an extreme Mandalorian-fetish.
Watto lived to be central to many events of Galactic importance; however, the Jedi frown on non-Force users used as anything but comic relief, so his representation in most Galactic literature is highly suppressed, censored and satirical. He is wanted in all quadrants.
Of course, the Sith didn't care as long as they could find and destroy his planet, which they did.
Biography
Due to the sheer length of Watto's life and number of his involvements in Galactic-lore, past, present and future, this section is subject to additions at the beginning, in the middle, and of course at the end.
Early Life and initial incarceration
Born to unknown parents named Watto Sr. and Wattonia, on an unknown planet called Toydaria, Watto was quick to come into the limelight when he was sent to prison for stealing a prototype Jawa juice-powered car. He shared a cell with some Mandalorian bloke, a fact which probably accounts for his Mandalorian fetish later in life. He later got his nose stuck in a trash compactor, resulting in the horribly disfigured thing on his face.
Watto was eventually released for good behavior (he stole someone's behavior sheet) and quickly caught the public eye with his first invention: THE STEAM ENGINE (also stolen).
The Steam Engine
Upon release from prison Watto quickly went to all the highest bidders with his first stolen invention: the steam engine. He joined with many major manufacturers and began production under the company header James Corp. This little slip-up in naming led police to quickly learn that his invention was just a rip off of some jumble of scrap a bugger named James Watt had already invented. The only notable difference between Watt's and Watto's machine being the addition of the letter 'O' after everything it did. Watto Engines, though highly illegal, could still be found in some areas making their characteristic "eee-o eee-o" sound decades afterward. The Watt-o is now the universal measure of worthlessness.
Watto also invented, of his own accord, a set of powered wings that he could strap onto his back and use to fly. But the Fetts had launched their latest version of the jet pack at the same time, so this invention pretty much bombed. Besides wearing it made you look like Tinkerbell. Except Watto, cause he was a Turd. Wearing it just made him look like a flying Turd.
Watto soon wound up in prison again, for indecent exposure at a six-year old girl's birthday party. Yep, he's a shithead alright.
College Days and The Max Bros.
Having escaped prison and a Mandalorian roommate for a second time, Watto decided to clean up his act. He joined the same university as his brothers and quickly befriended a nervous young frog named Yoda. Within the first few months Watto had gotten him drunk and enlisted him with one of those new ancient radical organizations called the Jedi. Yoda would remain a lifelong affiliate. Watto would later try to take advantage of this friendship by writing a children's book, Frog and Turd Together.
As part of his attempt to come clean, Watto decided to form a stage comedy group. Along with his brothers, Gonzo, Rebo, and Greedo, they assumed the collective stage name "The Max Bros." and made many short holofilms together. Soon, however, Watto's talent began to outshine them all and he left to forge a life of his own. For a while, though, Greedo followed him around asking for handouts. Gonzo got caught peddling blue milk and went into hiding, later resurfacing as an associate of Kermit. Only Rebo would remain a performer, keeping the name Max and forming a band that played many venues.
The Middle Years
The Lost Years
Having left the Max Brothers with Greedo in tow, Watto spent many contemplative years wandering the galaxy, honing his skills, and exposing himself to (and in) art and science in their various forms. He would frequently enter colleges posing as a professor and deliver mind-numbingly awful lectures. One such lecture about reproduction was so bad that it had a lasting impression on a certain young Plagueis who was in attendance.
Watto also produced many works of art in this time, trying to make his mark in the world as a Master and nude model. While his modeling was well received (the most famous being a 70 foot nude adorning the Galactic Senate floor), most of his forgeries were inept attempts at best, so he found him self narrowly avoiding a third incarceration.
All of this excitement intermixed with loneliness had, however, a profound effect on Watto's psyche, causing him to further indulge his twisted Mandalorian-fetish. The years spent hiding in deep space with no one but Greedo for company led Watto to delve deeper into himself, and eventually built up to the writing of a book that shook the galaxy.
The Hutta Sutra
Coming out of a particularly long and grueling time of hiding, Watto shook the galaxy with the publication of Hutta Sutra: A Guide to Mandalorian Relations; a rather explicit book with over 20,000,000 different methods described for Mandalorian relations, along with instructive holograms. The work was no doubt exhaustive for the little Turd and he found himself unable to defend against accusations of obscenity directed at him by Mandalorians, who, being a rather warlike and straight-faced species, found the ideas in the book ludicrous. This resulted in not only a warrant for his arrest, but a Galaxy-wide ban on the book he considered to be his Magnum Opus.
The book soon became unavailable anywhere in the galaxy except for Kashyyyk, where it was revered as the "Wookiee Handbook of Death."
Following these events, Watto and Greedo fled to Tatooine.
Tatooine
Watto began his career on Tatooine as a nursemaid/private tutor for the Hutts. He was quickly found incompetent and sacked. The resulting loss of income forced him to become a boxer for Marcellus the Hutt, during which period he was rumored to have killed an early associate of Mace Windu.
Having stolen large amounts of money Marcellus had placed on the results of one of his boxing matches, Watto quickly retreated to the underbelly of an already God-forsaken planet and assumed an unobtrusive role as neighborhood junk-dealer/slave-trader.
It was his actions during this time that enraged the Jedi enough to earn him a satirical role in the Pseudo-historical Star Wars Trilogy. You see, Watto dealt primarily in Mandalorian and Mandalorian-looking slaves (he never could shake that fetish), and one of the slaves to come into his possession was a young, germ-ridden boy named Anakin. Although Watto quickly realized that Anakin had the potential to be a great brat, or worse, a Jedi, the boy was nonetheless skilled at robotics, so Watto kept him hoping to steal his inventions. This proved to be a bad idea as Watto's own facsimiles frequently exploded, the most famous incident being in the Mos Eisley Cantina, which would change their policy on Droids for years to come.
Watto quickly attempted to fob the boy off on some passing Jedi, telling them that Anakin was the "Chosen One" (a name he had stolen from the Forcetrix trilogy of holomovies). The Jedi bought it, and the boy, hoping he would restore balance to the Force, much to the amusement of the Sith.
Later, fearing retaliation from anti-trafficking forces, Watto arranged for the boy to be finished off by Sebulba (who would later be known for his role as Bulbasaur in the Pokémon series) in a pod race. Watto had stolen the pod-racer designs himself and Sebulba exploded, so he gave up and began training Greedo to be his body guard/Mandalorian enslaver while posing as a bounty-hunter.
A Galaxy About the Same Distance Away
Though galactically scorned for his earlier work "Kamastura: A Guide to Mandalorian Relations", Watto would ultimately achieve Galactic fame and the pinnacle of his career through another literary work titled "Some Time Later, in a Galaxy About the Same Distance Away", published shortly after the events of the battle of Yavin. This work would be scorned for being largely stolen from authors like Douglas Adams, and also for its libelous representations of such Galactic stalwarts as Darth Lucas, Darth Elmo and ET; but would remain to this date a best seller.
The work was a wholly fictitious account of a wet rock in the middle of nowhere and the numerous absurd and ridiculous species that 'inhabited' it. Accused of being overly descriptive and completely scientifically implausible, both its imagination and realism have been described as laughable at best. In addition it was another ludicrous display of his Mandophilia, with weird accounts of Mandalorian like 'Human Beings' that were presented as the most advanced race. This fetish goes so far as to include references to the Kamasutra! It also describes less than sentient creatures as obvious racial parodies of species like Frogs and Wookiees. Yet it still is a best-seller.
The Later Years and Death
Much like his earlier years, not much information has been gathered about the little turd, but no doubt he lived long past any of us and had tons of weird and whacky adventures. Anyway this much is known:
Greedo's Funeral and the Dork side
A few years after the death of his youngest brother, Greedo, when the Galaxy had cooled down a bit after the rule of Sid, Greedo's body was removed from cryogenic storage and a funeral was prepared for him. Watto returned disguised as Zsa Zsa Gabor, and together with his remaining brothers, agreed to put on one last performance as the Max Bros in tribute to Greedo. Watto, however, had stolen their song of performance from "Weird Al" Yankovic who was present and immediately drew attention to the forgery. Caught in the act, Watto and his brothers quickly fled the scene and were never seen together again.
In spite of its dubious nature, Watto drew upon this incident for inspiration, and decided to devote himself towards the cause of the non-force empowered in the Galaxy. He attempted this by forming a cult called The Order of the Dork Side, and attempting to channel the power of Spam. This didn't work and he managed to bring down the entire Galactic information network, flooding it with, well, Spam. Also his apperentices (called Pop-Ups) went insane and remain a menace to this day. Convicted not only for the above indiscretions, but also for certain copyright infringements based on the name of his cult, Watto went to jail yet again, though he soon managed to escape.
Death
The last known fact about Watto is that at some point in the future, possibly as the result of some sort of stolen invention gone wrong, Watto managed to transport himself back in space and time to the exact point when chewbacca was destroyed. And that's how he died.
Legacy
Watto is still prayed to in the Wookiee academy of combat training.
Watto has been portrayed negatively several times in productions of the Battle of Yavin.
Wormie kept a poster of Watto in his room for comfort. This is probably cause he was messed up too.
The Jedi will still pay you a lot of whatever you want if you turn him over to the authorities.
The Sith will still destroy his planet if you tell them where it is. And then they'll destroy your planet as well.
List of Watto's Stolen goods
The list of things Watto stole during his life is so large, that it is being updated as we speak, or you read, or whatever.
Confirmed
Watto is confirmed to have stolen:
- The plans to a Steam engine
- Me Luckily Charms!
- Droid plans from Anakin
- The Mona Lisa, though he gave it back
- Vader's "Little Chosen One", which he quickly passed on to Kenobi
- Forty winks on numerous occasions.
- The words right out of my mouth.
- Groucho's schtick.
- Tic-Tacs.
- Rebo's Turd porn collection.
- A Hutt-plug.
- A longing glance at Mara-Jade's bodacious bod.
- Palpatine's Innocence
Unconfirmed
Watto claims to have stolen:
- Mara Jade's innocence.
- Ayla Secura's innocence.
- Chewbacca's innocence.
- Palpatine's asshairs.
- Palpatine's Ass.
- Darth Elmo's will to live.
- Chewbacca's lunch money.
