Unidentified man in green firing turret
 The unidentified man in green firing turret, a true work of art. | |
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Don't tell me you didn't see this coming... BBY |
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- "At last I will reveal myself to the fanboys. At last I will have my revenge."
- ―The unidentified man in green firing turret
The unidentified man in green firing turret, born unidentified fetus inside woman's womb,[1] was born to Yarna daala Gargantuan and Deep Roy on Tatooine. As he came into the world, the unidentified man in green firing turret was instantly catapulted into stardom as holo-papers began featuring him as the "bantha baby", a twenty-seven pound child given birth to by a six-breasted woman. After several years of constantly being in the spotlight, the "bantha baby" began getting less and less attention as something much freakier was spawned. The unidentified man in green firing turret entered a deep state of depression.
After living on the streets of Tatooine for a while, the unidentified man in green firing turret devised a plan to win his legion of fans back by going on the Subway diet. Being the genius he was, the unidentified man in green firing turret also found that the more subs he ate, the more weight he lost, naturally. Months later, the unidentified man in green firing turret lost a whoppin' six-hundred and fifty-four pounds. Not long after, the media drew their attention away from Bea Arthur and once more began following the unidentified man in green firing turret, much to his delight. Becoming the Subway spokesman, life was a lot easier. The unidentified man in green firing turret also began his career in acting not long after, earning many awards for his performances. However, the unidentified man in green firing turret's most acclaimed role in "Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi" didn't come until several years later where he cameo'd as an unidentified man in green firing turret. Thousands of fanboys throughout the galaxy rejoiced upon finding the man in such a role, and found his dramatic portrayal the most inspiring part of the film.
However, the unidentified man in green firing turret's success didn't come without failure. After seven long years of marriage, the unidentified man in green firing turret's wife filed for divorce. The unidentified man was devastated, becoming an alcoholic not long after. Because of this, Subway replaced the man with some new guy and roles in films became increasingly hard to find. It was at this point that the unidentified man in green firing turret encouraged his long-time friend, Darth Lucas, to make another film for him to star. Lucas began writing the next addition in the Star Wars for the unidentified man in green firing turret to be in. In this film, the unidentified man in green firing turret was to have the starring role as the Jedi Chosen One. However, as he began writing the movie, Lucas betrayed his friend and instead changed the unidentified man in green firing turret into a bratty kid who's banging a queen, believing it would draw in a much larger crowd. Looking back on this decision, Darth Lucas regrets it no doubt, as a movie about the unidentified man in green firing turret would have definitely been better.[2] Feeling betrayed, the unidentified man in green firing turret left the galaxy in search for something better.
Little is known what happened during the fifteen years of exile the unidentified man in green firing turret put himself through, but what is known is that he did in fact return years later now as a Sith Underlord titled the unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret. He also returned with his Sith master, Lightninny, the most powahful Sith Mega-Super-Overlord of all time. Lightninny, who had been banished from the galaxy just years prior to the unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret's exile, instructed his apprentice to wage war against various planets and destroy them if necessary in an attempt to dominate the entire galaxy. However, in his selfishness, the unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret kept his sights on Darth Lucas. The Sith Underlord was as mad as hell at his former friend and he wasn't going to take this anymore. The unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret kidnapped the man, tied him to a bed, and hobbled his feet so the slave couldn't escape. After the release of "The Phantom Menace", many giddy fanboys met this move with delight. The unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret had once again earned his fans back. Hundreds of websites went on to feature the unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret on their main page... except for one.
The website that refused to feature the unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret was none other than the dagnasty evil Wookieepedia. The Wookieepedia Cabal (which doesn't exist, of course) was behind the decision. To the unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret's shock, they had also promoted the decision to banish Lightninny from the galaxy, as well. Lightninny and his apprentice brought their war to Wookieepedia. However, not long after, the unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret was killed and became one with the Force.
Biography
Early life
The unidentified man in green firing turret was born to Deep Roy and Yarna d'al' Gargan in the final days of the Rife of the Empire era on the world of Tatooine. The unidentified man in green firing turret's birth was quite difficult for Yarna as she soon found that her baby boy was more of a bantha than human, earning him the nickname of the "bantha baby" by local reporters. The unidentified man in green firing turret, weighing in at twenty-seven pounds at birth, quickly became a local celebrity on the desert world, gaining hundreds of fans who believed the unidentified man in green firing turret had some sort of divine power. It also heated much speculation over whether or not the unidentified man in green firing turret was actually the son of God. Several years later, this debate was put to rest when the speculation turned out to be completely true, sending a rippling shock throughout the galaxy.
While not hailed as heavily as God was, the unidentified man in green firing turret was often met with constant spotlight as everyone wanted to know what the unidentified man in green firing turret was up to. In one popular incident, the unidentified man in green firing turret was caught leaving his transport with his legs wide open, crotch fully visible. The image circulated throughout the HoloNet for several months until the next set of surprising images were revealed. Everywhere he went, the unidentified man in green firing turret had images taken of him.
However, the unidentified man in green firing turret's life began to settle down as something else began showing up. As the unidentified man in green firing turret began planning his next public stunt, the reporters were drawn away by something much more wicked. Light years away on the planet Kashyyyk, an evil parasite only known as "Bea Arthur" was spawned. More deadly than any Madclaw! that had been encountered, the reporters had to follow this "Bea Arthur". As the unidentified man in green firing turret reached the age of nine years-old, the boy went begging to God to have the reporters back. However, God was too busy that day to answer the unidentified man in green firing turret's prayers, as he was banging the parasite that caused the boy to loose his fans.[3]
The boy entered a deep state of depression and left his family to live on the streets of Tatooine.
The Subway diet - Rise to fame once more
After a decade of eating nothing but random Toydarians he encountered, the now twenty year-old unidentified man in green firing turret felt he had to enter the spotlight once more. The question was, how the hell was he gonna make something bigger than Bea Arthur? The only logical answer was to loose his trademark weight, of course. Now the question was, how the hell was he gonna loose that many pounds? Why the Subway diet, of course! Silly!
The unidentified man in green firing turret began using the diet when it hit him: all he had to do was eat more subs to loose more weight. If this diet worked, then surely eating twice, or three times as many subs would make the pounds drop faster.[2] Of course, three months later, the unidentified man in green firing turret lost more than six-hundred pounds. And as he predicted, the spotlight came back to him as his legions of fanboys found a new reason to worship the man. This resulted greatly for the unidentified man in green firing turret as he soon found himself getting offers to be the Subway spokesperson as well roles in films, all of which the unidentified man in green firing turret accepted.
In the following years, the unidentified man in green firing turret played in a variety of roles, all of which earned him high acclaim, including "The Unidentified Man With the Golden Turret" and "Unidentified Man in Green Firing Turret of Arabia". By his thirty-sixth film, the unidentified man in green firing turret had earned nine mini-C-3POs. However, his most well-known performance didn't come until the release of Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi in which he portrayed an unidentified man in green firing turret going through the difficulties of life as a sail-barge worker for one of the Hutt crime lords. The unidentified man in green firing turret swept all of the mini-Goldenrods that year, including the mini-Goldenrod for best engineering effects and outstanding performance for a supporting actress. The unidentified man in green firing turret became so well-known for his portrayal as the unidentified man in green firing turret that he officially changed his name to just that.
Losing his fame: Part Deux - Exile
While vacationing on the unknown world with his wife, Jenna Haze, the two got into a heavy argument which resulted in Jenna filing for divorce. Devastated by the divorce, the unidentified man in green firing turret turned to alcohol. The only person he could think of turning to was his good friend Darth Lucas. Lucas met the unidentified man in green firing turret with open arms and let the man stay at his third house on Nabooboo. It was at this point that the unidentified man in green firing turret began pitching ideas to Darth Lucas about another Star Wars film, this time starring the unidentified in green firing turret as the main-character, the Jedi Chosen One. A skeptical Lucas decided to acknowledge the unidentified man in green firing turret's pleading ideas and began writing the next Star Wars film.
However, as time went on, Darth Lucas completely re-wrote everything he had previously written, changing the character of the unidentified man in green firing turret to a whiny, bratty emo kid who's in love with a queen almost twice his age and replace the unidentified man in green firing turret with a no-talent actor.
The unidentified man in green firing turret felt betrayed by his friend. The man packed his bags and hopped the next flight out of the galaxy, where he remained in exile for the next fifteen years.
Return to the galaxy
Fifteen years in exile was very difficult for the unidentified man in green firing turret. While little is known about his adventures during that period of time, what is known states that the unidentified man in green firing turret became extremely twisted and evil. He eventually met a commander who was equally twisted and evil by the name of Lightninny, a powerful Force-sensitive hobbit who was banished from the galaxy years ago prior to the unidentified man in green firing turret's arrival. Lightninny wanted revenge on the people who wronged him and he wanted it immediately. After fifteen years of planning, Lightninny and his new apprentice, the unidentified man in green firing turret returned to the galaxy. The unidentified man in green firing turret, now named the unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret, began his war against the galaxy as instructed by his master. The unidentified Sith Lord in green firing turret was to conquer and destroy as many planets as possible, but instead, went off on his own to take revenge on Darth Lucas.
As the man made his way to Nabooboo to meet with his former friend, Lucas could sense his enemy arriving. The unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret was met with an army of Lucas's men, ranging from ducks named Howard to manly men with whips referred to as Indiana (which made things more disturbing, as Darth Lucas's pet Wampa was named Indiana also).
However, the unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret swiftly put an end to Darth Lucas's and captured Lucas, making the man his slave. To make sure Lord Lucas didn't escape, the unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret tied the king of flannel to a bed and hobbled his feet. Still, the Sith Lord managed to escape despite the unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret's attempts as Senator Grebleips nabbed the man in the middle of the night and rode off with him on his flying speeder bike.
Even though his plans of slavery failed, the unidentified Sith Underlord managed to gain even more fans since The Phantom Menace was released. I mean, I know you won't admit it, but after seeing that movie, you'd be mighty happy too to hear what the unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret did to Darth Lucas. People around the galaxy hailed the unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret as a deity. Websites on nearly every world featured the man on their main page as the man of the year. However, one website stood out from the crowd. That website was none other than the daring Wookieepedia.
Wookiepedia: REDRUM
As the unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret returned to his master, the first thing they saw fit to do was to somehow stick it to Wookieepedia. Lightninny was filled with ideas after the non-existent Wookieepedia Cabal had promoted his banishment from the galaxy. However, the only thing to could think of was to place some highly collectible commemorative Wookieepedia tee-shirts from Celebration IV on eBay for an unreasonably low amount. Even when being sold for three dollars, nobody bid on the shirt. When "plan a" failed, they began "plan b": begin devising "plan c". Plan c turned out to be just kill the members of the Wookieepedia Cabal which turned out to be a mighty shitty plan.
As the one and a half man made their way to Wookieepedia, the unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret began an online campaign to have himself featured on Wookieepedia, resulting in thousands of fanboy idiots attacking Wookieepedia, creating a massive war.
Unfortunately for the unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret, he was accidentally killed by Lightninny when the wee one began preparing the inflatable forklifts.
Legacy
The unidentified Sith Underlord in green firing turret now spends most of his Force ghost time vandalizing Darthipedia.
Notes and references
- ↑ That book I can't remember the name of or find, but it's definitely in there so if you remove the info again I will have you banned
- ↑ 2.0 2.1 Darth Obvious
- ↑ The Almighty Katarn can have sex with anyone he wishes to have sex with, including Bea Arthur, and we may not question his acts with the slightest thought.
