The Force
- "I feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced... Also, does anyone have any whiskey?"
- ―Obi-Wan Kenobi
The Force was a mysterious tingling sensation felt by some people....like an orgasm without the sex. Other people got more of a mild electric shock, which made them go evil and destroy planets. They should not be blamed for this. It really is quite irritating. Honestly.
Mainstream uses of the Force
- "Look what I can do!"
- ―Baby Luke, as he picks his uncle up with the Force and throws him into a wall
The Force comes in many different shapes. With it, you can zap, push, choke, penetrate, blast, pull, slash, throw, bash, crash, blow stuff up with, mash, and kill enemies by the dozen. But the Force isn't all fun and games. One must always be vigilant against the dark side. The dark side's like buying a hooker. Sure, you get your satisfaction, sure you can go home to your wife and kids in a good enough mood not to think about killing them. But it leaves you empty, something still seems to be missing. That thing that's missing.... it's a condom.
Heh, who am I kidding? Hookers rule, so therefore, the POWAH of the dark side rulez!!!!
Saving the galaxy one cousin at a time
- "Save the galaxy, fuck your cousin!"
- ―A wise Jedi Master
But papa Darth, how do these people come to be? How come I can't throw things with my mind?
Well, youngling, its really quite simple. Your parents were complete strangers before they started dating. Force users, however, are the results of two relatives fucking. The closer the relation, the stronger the connection to the force. The inbred thing that results from the union is called a midi-chlorian, and forms when it bursts out of the egg when the relative/mates sperm hits it. Once it bursts forth, it multiplies.
Annie had the most midi-chlorian because his mother did one thing no one else on the planet ever did; fucked herself. And no, I don't mean masturbation.
Ol' papa palps cloned Shmi Skywalker, but in altered her genes so that the clone was a man. The two got it on, and Annie was born.
See, that's why she didn't tell Qui-Gon Jinn that he really did have a father. The clone disintegrated when they went back for round two, and she suppressed the memory of him turning to goo all over her out of her head.
Inappropriate uses of the Force
- "The Force surrounds us.... penetrates us... uh, more! more! uh, oh yeah! uh!"
- ―Obi-Wan Kenobi
Force users across the galaxy face a serious problem. Both Jedi and Sith alike suffer from a more and more common Force disease called Force-fondling. While in lesser cases, it just leads to a gush of wind out of no where suddenly showing a woman's private areas, it could lead to more serious problems, such as using the Force to feel up younglings, Force-persuading women to follow you to more private areas to chat, and even in extreme cases, the dreaded Wookiee-Nookie. If this behavior is not stopped soon, an order will be made to disallow these Force users from ever disrupting society again.
The Weak Light Side
- Yoda: "A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense. Never for attack."
- Luke: "So, basically, the Jedi don't have the balls to kill. Lame. I'd rather be a Sith...wonder if that old dude still has that help wanted sign in the window..."
- — Yoda and Luke
The light side was the weaker side of the Force. The Jedi, a group of stupid hippies without the balls to get a job done properly, were the main followers of this side of the Force.
The majority of the Jedi got killed by Old Palps in Order 66. Good riddance. But then, of course, Luke killed Palps and his own father, all the while bringing back the Jedi. Then they almost got taken out by the Yuuzhan Vong, and yet somehow, once again, they survived. These weak pests are the cockroaches of the galaxy. You keep on squashing them with all the Force you have, and they keep springing up. Damn hippies.
The Powahful Dark Side
- "Remember: power alone is not enough. Patience. Cunning. Secrecy. These are the tools we will use to bring down the Jedi..., ah, what the hell am I talking about, c'mon, lets go blow something up!"
- ―Darth Bane, to Darth Zannah
The dark side is the most dominant POWAH in the galaxy. Seriously, having the dark side is like having a whole armory in your back pocket. 600 ways to KILL, BLOW UP, DESTROY! All at the low, low price of losing your soul! How can you say no to that offer?
The idiots who can't choose a side Grey Jedi
- "Well, I assure you, I see more grey than dark or light. Then again, my eyes have been bad lately. Is that a grey shirt your wearing? No? It looks grey... bah!"
- ―Jolee Bindo, to Revan in the Shadowlands of Kashyyyk
Grey Jedi were the middle men, unless they were women in which case they would be middle women. You know when you bring up a serious and heated debate and turn to your friend a go, "What do you think?" and they say "I think both sides have a valid point."? Yeah, that was these guys. You'll never find a more wretched hive of recalcitrant idiots with no opinion.
Light side Force powahs
- Force push
- Force pull
- Force nudge
- Force move
- Force telekinesis
- Force readjust
- Force twirl
- Force throw
- Force collate
- Force summon to self
- Force replace
- Force whine
Dark side Force powahs
- Force lightning
- Force spark
- Force bolt
- Force thunder
- Force electricity
- Electric Judgment
- Force feed
- Force audit
- Force evil laughter
- Force quit
- Force choke
- Force crush
- Force squeeze windpipe
- Force squeeze
- Force Frying
- Force melt
- Force pwn
- Force Ten Thousand Fists
- Force relations
- Force sneeze
