Teebo
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| Teebo | |
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| Biographical information | |
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| Born |
1 double odd 3 baby |
| Physical description | |
| Species | |
| Gender | |
| Hair color |
Black / gray stripes |
| Chronological and political information | |
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YOU |
- "Hey, Wicket, have you accepted C-3PO as your personal Lord and Savior? I wrote a song about him. It goes a little something like this..."
- ―Teebo
Teebo was an abnormally tall and muscular male Ewok from Endor. He was one of Wicket's friends who barely showed up in the live-action films (but at least he had a cameo, unlike Kneesaa and Latara, because There Were No Chicks in the Battle of Endor). Teebo was a master of Ewok magic and superstition. He believed fervently in magic spells and magic rocks and magic teeth and magic hats. Being an Ewok, of course, one of his Golden Gods was actually C-3PO, whom Teebo idolized to the point of obsession. He dedicated his every action in battle and in life to C-3PO, bowing deeply and giving thanks whenever he succeeded. He was also a poet or something.
Biography
Once upon a time on Endor
Once upon a time on Endor, all was quiet and all was peaceful until Teebo was born with a fierce war cry upon exiting his mother's womb. Being a direct descendant of Simon the Killer Ewok, expectations were high for the young teddy bear, yet strangely enough, he had a strong passion for poetry and literature. This worried the clan elders so much that they decided to butch him up a little bit by dropping him in the depths of the Endor jungle, where he would come back a Killer Ewok, or not at all. Spending a few years roaming the jungle in search of food he spotted a strange man with one arm and a rare mask with horns. He chose to observe him for a while instead of straight confrontation. A couple of days later he followed this weird creature rambling about a Black Knight who made him cry and an alcoholic who cut off his arm. Disgusted by this emo-ism, Teebo got mad, prayed to his Lord and Savior C-3PO, and summoned a rock to his hand (a first sign of Force sensitivity) and threw it with great precision to the strange man, only to see his effort fail when his target deflected the rock with a lightsaber. Saddened that his beautiful attack was negated by such an barbaric weapon, he charged his adversary with his axe, a tribal Ewok weapon. A short duel occurred, which Teebo lost. As his enemy was about to deliver the killing blow, Teebo instinctively opened himself to the Force. The knowledge of the universe filled his head. Almost overwhelmed by all this, he tried to center himself with a poem.
- "Fat like a bantha, ugly as a Teek. A bitch full of bush and her name is K'Sheek"
- ―Teebo
PWN@G3!!! Teebo defeated his first real enemy with his strong poetic skills. This battle was witnessed by Darth Sorrow, who taught Teebo some basic Force powers in exchange for poetry and songs. Returning to his clan, he was an instant hero, and that evening they sacrificed a bunch of Jedi to celebrate. Simon cried tears of pride. Teebo's statue of the Lord and Savior C-3PO wept tears of blood and showed signs of stigmata. There was much rejoicing.
Once upon a time on Kashyyyk
- "Raaawr rhoew whuui aahw meh
Riiooww freiiaalieh snorrrrr whiieh
Yadda Yadda Meh" - ―Teebo's first Haiku in Shyriiwook
In an effort to expand his knowledge and in search of inspiration Teebo traveled to Kashyyyk. As an offer of good faith, he slaughtered every Trandoshan he met and carved them up in boots, belts, jackets and suitcases. This made him popular among the Wookiees and infamous among Trandoshans. The Wookiees soon took him on hunts in the Shadowlands. In the Shadowlands, he met a Mandalorian named Cassus Fett who was on Kashyyyk for some hard earned R&R Cassus, hammered as usual, taught Teebo some Mandalorian songs and in return Teebo gave Cassus a tailor-made belt of Trandoshan leather. Cassus was so happy with this personal gift that he vowed to never take it off again.
Once upon a time in football
There was this time Teebo was playing against the Pittsburgh Steelers in the AFC wild card playoff game. The Steelers started off strong, but then Teebo scored 20 points in the second quarter. Then he lost ground. The Steelers' offense was too much for Teebo's forces. At the end of the fourth quarter the score was 23-23. Then Teebo prayed to C-3PO, chanted a magic poem, and lo, he threw a 316-yard touchdown pass that crushed his enemies. Or something. I don't know, I don't really watch sports.
