Sylvana Zen
| |
| Sylvana Zen | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld |
Tatooine (duh) |
| Born |
miraculously |
| Died |
Sylvana doesn't die! |
| Physical description | |
| Species |
Single |
| Gender |
Female |
| Height |
tall |
| Hair color |
red |
| Eye color |
hazel |
| Cybernetics |
nope, all natural |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Era(s) |
does she need one? |
| Affiliation |
Sith
|
| Known masters |
Darth Vader |
| Known apprentices |
she can carry out on her own thank you! |
- "Whoa...."
- ―every guy who ever met Sylvana Zen
Sylvana Zen was an extremely powahful Sith Mega-Super-Overlord and also a Sith Mega-Super-Hot Overlord, the only Sith to receive this title. Like all powerful Sith, she was trained under the totally awesome Darth Vader.
Sylvana was a gorgeous (she made Guri seem like a Wookiee)Force-Sensitive human created by some geeky fanboy who is a frequent viewer of Darthipedia. Darth Vader won her in a duel and made her his apprentice, telling her that he was her "father". Over the years Sylvana did many tasks for her master, but when she found out that Vader was manipulating her, she attacked him. Defeated, Vader admitted that he was not her "father", but a lowly fanboy was. Enraged, she destroyed all the planets in the galaxy except for Tatooine (her home planet, obviously) in hopes of finding this fanboy. Finally she was forced to admit that this fanboy was probably on that legendary wet rock in the middle of nowhere and began her search. Sylvana then found her maker and continues to stalk him to this day. In fact, she's stalking him right now.
Who is this fanboy you ask? Just some geek named <insert name here>. You're probably wondering who this is, so scroll down, and learn about the whole, nerdy affair.
Biography
Creation
- "I am going to destroy your pla...are those peanut butter sandwiches?"
- ―Darth Vader, prior to the events of Sylvana Zen's birth
Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away there lived a Star Wars fanboy named <insert name here>. One day <insert name here> was at the Annual Star Wars Convention hoping to pick up a fangirl or at least get an email address. Having no such luck, the dejected <insert name here> tried his hand at pin-the-tail-on-the-tauntaun in hopes of winning something, albeit cheap and made in China. While the others won spectacular prizes such as lightsabers and tickets to the next Annual Star Wars Convention, poor <insert name here> only won a magnet in the shape of Darth Vader's mask. Saddened, <insert name here> made his way home where he stuck his cheap plastic magnet on his fridge and then returned to his love: the computer.
After many hours <insert name here> began to feel hungry so he decided to make himself a snack before going back to the computer. So he went to the fridge and started making himself mini peanut butter sandwiches in the shape of Darth Vader. Suddenly there was a puff of smoke followed by an awful smell, which left <insert name here> in wonder (he didn't eat that many burritos at the convention, did he?). When the smoke cleared, <insert name here> did not see any refrigerator magnet of Darth Vader, but the real Lord Vader himself. Vader threatened to destroy <insert name here>'s planet. That was when he noticed the peanut butter sandwiches.
It just so happened that peanut butter was Lord Vader's chief fetish ever since he was that whiny brat, so he struck up a bargain with <insert name here>: the sandwiches for his planet. While enjoying the sandwiches, Vader revealed to <insert name here> that Palpatine trapped him in the magnet while Vader was saving his whiny son Luke from being Yo Mama'd. Then old Palpy sold the magnet to some Star Wars fan club for $0.50 saying it was a rare antiquity. The fans, thinking him a loser (which was not an untruth, you know), donated it to the Annual Star Wars Convention Cheap Consolation Prize Organization (ANSWCCCPO) where coincidentally <insert name here> won it. Darth Vader continued by saying that the magnet had left him unable to use the Force to get out of it, but his desire for the peanut butter sandwiches was enough to boost his powers and break free. Therefore, Vader said, he would grant <insert name here> one wish in exchange.
Thinking back to how he didn't pick up a fangirl, didn't receive one (not one) email address, <insert name here> decided to use his wish on creating the perfect girlfriend. Not a Twi'lek, he thought, because it might be a loser like Alema Rar, nor a mere droid like Guri, rather a mix between the two. So Darth Vader took him to the Build a Girlfriend Workshop (on Tatooine, obviously) where he let <insert name here> choose all the settings to make his "dream girl", including Force-sensitiveness. When he finally pressed the "Finish" button, Sylvana Zen was born.
Fight for Sylvana
- Darth Vader: "Hand her over, fanboy, or else."
- Geeky Fanboy: "Yes ma'am."
- Darth Vader: "What?"
- Geeky Fanboy: "I mean sir!"
- ―The vicious duel that ended with Sylvana Zen becoming Lord Vader's apprentice
When Sylvana was finally ready, <insert name here> deemed her perfect and was going to take her home. But Darth Vader wouldn't hear it. He had expected <insert name here> to make a Twi'lek like everyone else; he hadn't expected something like this to come out of the machine. Now that Lord Vader saw Sylvana, he wanted her soooo badly. So he drew his lightsaber and demanded that <insert name here> give up Sylvana. <insert name here> was a geeky fanboy (just look at the stuff he's reading!) so his inner geek instinct told him to back down immediately or he'd be stuffed in a locker... or worse. In the end Darth Vader stole <insert name here>'s girlfriend and took her as his apprentice, Sylvana Zen.
Sylvana's Training
- Sylvana: "Senator, you're under arrest. The courts will process you, and you will be kept in prison for the rest of your life."
- Senator: "If I am, I will do so unwillingly."
- Sylvana: "You will surrender yourself to me."
- Senator: " Now that's something I'll do willingly."
- ―Sylvana on a mission assigned by Vader
Yo, Sylvana, you're a great babe, and Imma let you kick ass, but Beyoncé has one of the best videos of all time! The best video ever!
Unlike most Sith, Darth Vader and his apprentice often traveled together and they became very... close, if you catch my gist. While they weren't spending time becoming... uh, close, Vader taught her the ways of the Sith as well as ordinary subjects... like geography. Vader's geography in specific. Oh yes, Lord Vader was very particular in teaching his apprentice that.
Darth Vader tasked Sylvana with other missions too. This included removing Jedi, corrupt officials, or people who just annoyed Vader. The destroying of the planets, however, were taken out directly by Vader. One time Lord Vader ordered Sylvana to hunt down Luke Skywalker, and this is that charming episode.
Vader's Secret
- "Who are you?"
"Sylvana Zen, your father's apprentice."
"Whoa...."
"What?"
"You wouldn't mind a father-son tag team, would you?"
"Uhhhhh......." - ―Luke Skywalker and Sylvana Zen meet
It was dark when Sylvana entered the room where Luke was sleeping... until she turned on her flashlight. The light woke Luke up, who immediately started going for Sylvana despite the fact that he was still with Mara Jade. Sylvana, disgusted about how men always treated her this way, provoked Luke into at least dueling her with a Yo Mama insult. She defeated Luke easily, but not before she pushed him into a secret closet. There Luke knocked over a cardboard box and the contents spilled all over the floor.
The contents were dirty porno magazines- Sithtoria Secret, Darthboy, Sithora, and more- that Luke hid there to keep Mara from seeing. When Sylvana picked up an edition of Sithtoria Secret, she saw a picture of herself on the front cover. This could only mean one thing: Vader was secretly taking pictures of her and selling them to dirty Sith magazines. That bastard! He'd pay for this. Immediately Sylvana set off to find her master, leaving Luke tied to a chair with the radio playing the musical stylings of Darth Spiration- which is the worst torture you can impose on anyone.
The Ultimate Discovery
- Darth Vader: "I never told you anything about your father."
- Sylvana: "You told me enough! You told me you were him!"
- Darth Vader: "No. Some geeky fanboy is your father."
- Sylvana: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
- ―Sylvana discovering her true paternity
Finding Vader, Sylvana confronted him with the magazines, shouting about how he was just using her as a way to make money. Didn't she mean anything to him? Lord Vader admitted that while he was selling her pictures to Sith porn, she wasn't just a way to make money. At this, Sylvana got so angry she drew her lightsaber and the two dueled, but Vader was no match for Sylvana's hotness. When she succeeded in chopping his arm off, Vader was fully aware that she would kill him if not stopped. In order to distract her, Vader revealed who Sylvana's father was, hoping it would prevent her from killing him.
It did. Immediately, Sylvana went to the nearest bar and got drunk. Then, stealing a Death Star, she went on a two-week planet-destroying spree, leaving only Tatooine, her homeworld, untouched. After she did that, Sylvana then started searching for her geeky fanboy father, <insert name here>.
Afterwards
Finding <insert name here>'s body nowhere and no sign of him on Tatooine, Sylvana concluded that her father was on the legendary planet of Earth. She tried her hardest to find him, posting signs of "Who's My Daddy?" with her picture all across town, but <insert name here> never showed.
Eventually she found him through the Force but was unable to bring herself to tell <insert name here> the truth. So now she watches him disguised as an everyday human. So look carefully at the next fangirl you meet. It could be Sylvana. Look at your younger second cousin Jeanette... could be her too. Look at the girl whose locker you're under, the one who plays trombone in your band, the one who knows everything, and the one who flicks boogers at the back of your neck in study hall... they could all be Sylvana. Heck, even I could be Sylvana, but then again, maybe not.
Oh yeah, and Sylvana loves spreading paranoia around. You are warned, <insert name here>! You are warned.
