Steve Perry
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- "Oh, Guri... Our love... HOLDS OOOON... HOLDS OOOON..."
- ―Steve Perry singing his chartbusting hit, "Oh Guri"
Steve Perry was the writer of the highly-acclaimed novel, Shadows of the Empire. Or was he that awesome dude that sang "Don't Stop Believin'"? Anyway, Steve Perry was the writer of the highly-acclaimed novel, Shadows of the Empire and/or that awesome dude that sang "Don't Stop Believin'." The writer and/or singer was later replaced by a pale imitation who could not master the subtleties of Xizor's characterization, but actually sounded a lot like Steve Perry. If he's the first guy, he also brought us uber sexbot Guri. If he's the second guy, he scored with the uber sexbot Guri.
Later in his life, Perry turned to the Dark Side and became known as Darth Open-Arms. He attained his highest degree of popular and critical success during his Sith years, but succumbed to the usual temptations of fame, including drugs, booze, womanizing, gambling, tax evasion, and out-of-control novel writing.
Biography
Raised on Coruscant
Steve Perry grew up in the mean streets of Coruscant, but left home at a young age to pursue his dual dreams of rocking out and becoming a beloved novelist. Though his departure through space and time brought him the success he dreamed of, Perry always had a soft spot in his heart for the city lights of his home, sometimes wanting to get back.
Evolution
Perry's novels, most notably Shadows of the Empire, sold well and brought him notoriety from fans, including one named Suzanne for whom Perry nursed temptation and infatuation. The two married, but faced relationship difficulties from the beginning due to Perry's frequent book tours, which left them worlds apart. Perry often slept alone, uncertain at times even which system he was in. Nevertheless, though being apart was not easy on his love affair, each time she held on a little longer.
Trial by fire
His successes were marred by homesickness and increasing difficulty with Suzanne, who needed considerably more than Perry could give. Up against a no-win situation, the two finally separated, and Perry began to feel love was unfair. Soon, however, he convinced himself that there would be someone else, a sentiment he kept repeating to himself in the ensuing months.
Perry finally answered a classified ad offering a "hot new opportunity" with "quick and easy" advancement. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a free trip to Mustafar as part of a standard Sith recruitment effort. Perry was immolated and lost his original manuscript of Shadows of the Empire, and, falling further into anger and hate as he searched the embers, became a minion of the Sith.
In the shadows of a golden age
Reminded of how he had been made to weep and want to die, Perry (now known as Darth Open-Arms) hunted down Suzanne and spitefully bore witness to her difficulties with her new romantic interest.
His second novel, Death Star, had even more awesome destructive power than his first, and Open-Arms became the most feared novelist in the galaxy. Additionally, his singing career took off during this time, though he began to suspect that being a Dark Side man wasn't always what it was supposed to be.
His Sith career nevertheless achieved new heights with such ambitious massacres as his assault on The Wheel, a space station that kept on turning.
Close to an overlord
Just when he thought he had it all figured out, Darth Open-Arms began to be haunted by sleepless nights, confusion, and pain.
He was finally killed by the jealous and ambitious Sith Overlord Darth No-Arms.
Hit singles
- "Hydian Ways"
- "Loomin', Stranglin', Saberin'"
- "Oh, Guri"
- "Wheel in the Skyhook"
- "Only the Gungan"
- "Stand Up and See Your Apprentices are Idiots"
