Padmé Amidala

You have new erections.

Padmé Amidala
Biographical information
Homeworld	Nabooboo
Born	when she was
Died	take a wild guess
Physical description
Species	Human
Gender	Female
Hair color	You'd like to say brown, but no one could ever be too sure
Chronological and political information
Affiliation	Old Republic

[Source]

"Oh, Anakin, you wiped out an entire Tusken village, slaughtering men, women and children? That’s terrible…wanna come back to my place?"

―Padmé, to Anakin Skywalker

Padmé Amidala, also Queen Amidala, Senator Amidala, Padmé Naberrie, Padma, Your Highness, Your Excellency, Panda Bear and Hey Hottie, How You Doin? by a very confused old man, had yet another name: Padma Cecilia Pooja Dritana Marvana Alana Amidala. She was the Queen of the lovely and quaint planet of Nabooboo and later Senator of the same place. Despite being basically the only good thing about the prequel trilogy, Padmé found herself unable to score with a man her own age (though I'm sure plenty of people here would volunteer to help her out), so she hooked up with Anakin Skywalker, a whiny emo Jedi 5 years younger than her. Even he wasn't good enough, so she started banging Edward Cullen. Common sense would only suggest she got bored of them, so she decided to score with Obi-Wan Kenobi, a much cooler Jedi Master 11 years older than her. If you think this is a load of crap, ask Olivia Kenobi and then try calling me back.

Padmé eventually did the smart thing and divorced her husband after she caught him choking the chicken leaving little Annie with two kids. She eventually died when Obi-Wan gave her a Sith death stick. Idiot! You just killed the only reason why people bought the whole prequel trilogy!

Biography

Early life

Padmé was born, in tradition according to the Naboobooians, Padma Cecilia Pooja Dritana Marvana Alana Amidala or just Padma Amidala to parents Kartinos and Solia Amidala. She never knew her parents, who were killed by the Nabooboo government for not paying their taxes. Wanting to have a corrupt politician that they could boss around while having relations with her, the government decided to give Padma a room in the Theed sewer system (hey, they had to put her somewhere). On one of the diplomatic missions she and her "youth group" were so famous for, Padma visited Paris. She became so infatuated with Paris Padma even changed her name to Padmé because it sounded more French. She immediately demanded an enormous wardrobe, which annoyed the youth group director Senator Palpatine much more than a little bit. Wanting other people to deal with her, Palpatine nominated her to become queen of Nabooboo, and, realizing that she was a whole heck of a lot hotter than the prune that was in office, the people elected her in a landslide, thus giving Padmé a wardrobe and Palpatine a another chance to rebuild his aspirin coupon supply.

Padmé, accepting promotion to Grand Poobah of the Senate, 20 BBY.

Padmé, shortly before her death.

The Phantom Menace

When 14 year old Padmé started throwing a temper tantrum about how she couldn't get a fourth back-up yacht, the politicians decided to subdue her with a new method: the death stick. Fortunately, Padmé liked these death sticks (they were brightly colored!) and took them on a daily basis, becoming so high she thought she was her own handmaiden. But the point was, whatever the corrupt Naboobooians wanted to do, she would do it. If someone asked her to juggle fire on a unicycle, she would do it. Which became rather a hazard at parties.

One bright and sunny Tuesday afternoon The Trade Federation, headed by Nute Gunray, some scaly lizard dude that couldn't pick up a girl in his life, were kicked out of the Coruscanti Spa. Not wanting to miss out on their hot stone massages and knowing there was no finer masseuse than Padmé, they blockaded her planet and threatened to destroy it if she didn't give them a back rub. Everyone in the Senate expected her to do it, but Padmé, with a death stick hanging out of her mouth, said, "Screw them, screw Nabooboo, screw all of you bastards!" It was one of the more elegant speeches she ever gave in front of the galaxy.

Without knowing what to do, the Republic sent two Jedi, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi, to give the damn lizard people their back rubs, which was after the two made a fuss about not wearing gloves. Unfortunately, the waiting Neimoidians gave up on their Go-fish game and brought out the beer, so they were all drunk and thought the Jedi were there to kill them. They blew up the Jedi's ship and proceeded to invade Nabooboo, taking the "Queen" (who was really the Queen's younger and much more gullible twin sister) prisoner. The lizard dudes, who also brought out the death sticks, started deploying battle droids to finish off the Jedi. Unfortunately, the Jedi and Darth Darth Binks killed the battle droids and ran away like typical Jedi pussies to the royal starship. Then they prepared to go into hyperdrive.

"What the-"

―Obi-Wan Kenobi's elegant response to the ship's failure to get into hyperdrive. What a way with words that man has!

It didn't start. Qui-Gon opened up the hyperdrive unit and- surprise, surprise- what did he find? Hundreds and hundred of assorted death sticks. Turns out Padmé kept her secret stash there, which caused the hyperdrive unit to break down, so the band had to stop on Tatooine. There they met a fine young slave lad named Anakin, who started hitting on Padmé and begged for a back rub. She slapped him. Hoping for more, he took the Jedi, Gungan, trash can, and Queen home. Hearing their predicament, the boy then entered a podracing thingy, thinking he could win the weirdos some money, and he did. The Jedi and Queen begged for the money, which Anakin agreed to give them...in exchange for a back rub. Cursing, Padmé gritted her teeth and prepared to rub his back...when Darth Maul appeared, demanding she give him a back rub. Of course, Padmé wasn't about to argue with a dude wielding a red lightsaber, so she asked him to wait in line, please. This made Maul angry, so the party had to improvise in escaping from the planet, "borrowing" a commercial starship owned by American Airline's. Much to Padmé's (and just about everyone in the galaxy's) dismay, Anakin stowed aboard, still hoping to get that back rub. Poor sap.

Meanwhile, the Neimoidians withdrew from the planet after Padmé's sister Sabé (whom the idiots thought was Padmé) gave the damned lizards their back rub. Padmé then went to Coruscant, then went back to Nabooboo, and got her job back. Everyone was real happy and celebrated by cheering, blowing noisemakers, and smoking her secret stash of death sticks.

Darth Ruptus interrupts

Yo, Padmé, I'm really happy for you, Ima let you finish, but Beyoncé has one of the best videos of all time! The best videos of all time! And her boobs are bigger than yours.

Attack of the Clones

Anakin: "Padmé, remember when I was nine you promised you would..."

Padmé: "No."

— Anakin, trying to make a pass on his dream girl

Padmé was later demoted to senator of Nabooboo, a job no one wanted. I mean, Palpatine got out of that job as soon as he could.

Years later, Senator Padmé got a letter in the mail from a member of the Galactic House of Lords, Count Dooku, asking her out. Padmé said no; she wouldn't go out with a loser like him. Dooku, being a Sith, had slightly more anger issues than most people, so he hired a guy to hire a guy to hire a guy to hire his cousin to kill her by putting snails in her bathroom. They did much more damage to her shower curtains than her, but the Jedi Council made her stay with the now Padawan Anakin for "safety". Anakin vowed he would "not mess up" and would "protect the Senator at all costs", which was good enough for them. On Nabooboo, Anakin tried hitting on her, reminding her of the back rub he should have been given. Annoyed, Padmé gave him a back rub right in her own apartment, which made young Anakin get ideas that were not quite appropriate.

Fortunately, Anakin got a phone call from his mother Shmi Skywalker, telling him she was captured by a left-wing radical group for not supporting change. Anakin freaked and started breaking out in zits. Then he took Padmé with him to Tatooine. Padmé waited for him, going to a salon and slowly reducing her supply of death sticks. Anakin soon returned carrying Shmi's dead body, confessing that she died of pain listening to Mr. Change-Proposer's speeches. Anakin, who already raided their liquor supply and was heavily drunk, was challenged to a tap dancing contest. Mistaking his lightsaber for a baton, he accidentally killed everyone in the building, all of whom were watching him dance. After sniggering behind her hands, Padmé received word that Jedi Master Obi-Wan was kidnapped by Dooku on Geonosis. Anakin, who already had plans for the night watering plants with his...uh, excretions, didn't want to go. But Padmé, who felt the mission would be suicidal, forced him into it by going herself. Seeing as Anakin followed her around like a lost puppy, of course he went.

On Geonosis, Count Dooku was chatting up some females when suddenly Anakin appears on the scene, having been pushed by Padmé into the center of the room. Dooku got a little annoyed that the feeble rescue attempt had to happen now, but a bloody execution was always fun. He caught Padmé a few minutes later in some pail and promised to spare her if she would bellydance for him, but she wouldn't. Dooku's master, Darth Voldemort, had already told him that if she refused, she would die by Force Relations, but when Padmè heard this, she said no. He stuffed her in the costume anyway, so when she died, at least he could see her belly. Which, in essence, treated all of us to that spectacular sight! Good call, Dookie.

Well, Padmé didn't die. There were these huge, threatening animals making animal noises, but Padmé still had her cell phone with her. In a stroke of sheer brilliance, Padmé decided to call Pizza-hutt to see if they still covered battles, but she misdialed and instead called the number of the Jedi hotline.

Meanwhile, on Coruscant the Jedi were doing...absolutely nothing. There was this whole room of people, just sitting on the floor with their eyes closed, "meditating". So it was kinda awkward once the phone started to ring. Mace Windu, who picked up the phone, shouted that they were in the middle of a very important meeting, to which Padmé answered did that come with extra cheese? She was about to hang up when she realized she had the wrong number, but Windu at least wanted her to explain herself. He wasn't going to do anything until she said the words "bellydancing costume". Now, Mace looked at Darthboy (the Sith version of Playboy) just like everyone else, but, being a Jedi, never had the chance to look at the real stuff. And he wanted to see it. Badly. The phone being on speaker, basically every Jedi in the room heard about it. They wanted to see her belly too! Eventually Mace got himself a team of 200 eager viewers.

Padmé was standing on top of a pillar, waving her arms around like crazy as if that was actually going to do something. Mace and his squad of unimportant extras arrived just in time to save Anakin from getting chomped on by that rhino thingy, which elicited a very loud groan from Padmé. When the Separatists deployed their battle droids, however, the Jedi were almost defeated. They were saved when clone troopers led by Yoda came on the scene, wanting to see Padmé's belly as Aayla Secura was on vacation.

While the clones and droids were duking it out on the field, Padmé managed to escape with Anakin in a plane. Realizing that she didn't have a death stick for two hours, she noticed that Obi-Wan was just about to smoke his. She grabbed it, he hit her hand, and in the end the stick flew out of the plane. Padmé jumped after it, preventing Anakin from sneaking a feel. Not too smart a move, as it broke both her legs. But to each her own, right?

After that, Padmé married Anakin because he promised her a lifetime supply of death sticks. Of course, she kept it a secret because who wants to say they married Anakin Skywalker? That's what I thought

Revenge of the Sith

Padmé had many hobbies, including autoerotic asphyxiation.

Anakin: "Look at it! It's all bloody and gross..."

Padmé: "Anakin, I'm pregnant."

Anakin: "That's great. So I was chopping up some meat with an ulu knife he gave me and..."

Padmé: "ANAKIN, I'M PREGNANT WITH YOUR CHILD!"

Anakin: "Oh. Does that mean I'm going to have to get a job?"

— Anakin, taking his first step into the world of fatherhood

One dark and gloomy Friday evening Anakin took his new wife out for dinner at Taco Bell and a drive-thru movie. Then they saw a Fallout Boys Concert, later going to the casino, where they gambled away Padmé's paycheck. Smoking some death sticks, the two returned to her apartment, where Anakin proposed they have some "real fun". Padmé agreed, and he spent the night.

Later, the Jedi hotline rung. It was Anakin's shift, so he had to answer it. Apparently Dooku and his pal General Grievous kidnapped Chancellor Palpatine to find information on Padmé's phone number. So he had to leave. Not the way Anakin wanted to spend his Saturday, but he had to at least pretend to do something busy.

Meanwhile, Padmé had a real bad stomachache. Sure, a lot of it was from that Extra-Large Supreme Ultra Large Burrito she ordered last night, but there was also something different. She went to the doctor, who told her she was pregnant. What was she going to tell Anakin? And "here, have a death stick" was not going to cut it this time around. She smoked death sticks until Sunday morning before hiding behind a pillar, making it look like she waited there for hours. Anakin went through the normal husband-wife hug-kiss routine, then expounded on his success: Dooku was dead! Anakin and Obi-Wan got right into Dooku's lair, where the count was preparing some of his homemade meatloaf. He invited them to have some if they could help him chop up the meat. However, Obi-Wan was a vegetarian, and he wasn't interested in any of his dumb meatloaf, Dooku. Dooku got all upset, so he Force choked and Force lightninged him, then hurled the dude under a walkway for good measure, which just goes to show you how much that guy needed counseling. Anakin, obviously, did the macho thing and just kept on chopping the meat with one of Dooku's ulu knives. Unfortunately, he started to get a little sloppy and, before you knew it, Anakin chopped his hand off. In his pain, he threw the knife straight at Dooku, who was unfortunately decapitated when the knife hit Dooku's neck, chopping his head off and ending the Sith Lord's life. So, in a way, Anakin killed Dooku. Then he rescued Palpatine, who was in the men's room severely constipated. His ego inflated, Padmé decided this was a good time to tell him of her pregnancy.

As expected, Anakin flipped out. All he could say was, "Child support...education...employment." Of course, little Annie was unemployed, and figured that once he had kids, an unemployment check from the Coruscanti Bankruptcy clan was not going to be very supportive for a family of 4. Unbeknownst to Padmé, Anakin asked for advice from his best friend: Palpatine.

Now, Palpatine might not exactly be your expert on "what-happens-when-your-wife-gets-pregnant", but he was rich. It might also be important to say that he was an evil Sith Lord without an apprentice, but most people probably haven't figured this out yet. So when Anakin started crying about where he was going to get a job and how he was going to pay for child support, Palpatine, besides telling him to shut up, gave him the perfect solution: Yeah, Annie, he'll pay for the support, but with education you're on your own. However, he said when Anakin started crying again, since Palpatine was a Sith without an apprentice, he'd take him on as a trial and see if it works out. Being a Sith apprentice pays 20 times more than being a Jedi Master, plus you get more sick leave, vacation time, and a sweet ride. Anakin agreed to do this, and became Darth...I think we all know what the name is, no sense in repeating it...

Anakin handed Obi-Wan Kenobi, who was on the Jedi Maintenance shift, his Jedi robes, lightsaber, and potato chips, telling Obi-Wan that he moved on to bigger and better things, to which Obi-Wan replied did he move out of Padmé's apartment? No, Anakin replied, he was making a very strategic career move. Then Padmé arrived on the scene, eating an apple, wanting to know when she could try out Anakin's new ride. From this, Kenobi concluded that Anakin turned to the Dark Side and got that job offer, didn't he? This made him jealous, as Obi-Wan applied for the job once, but was turned down because the height of his hair exceeded Sith regulations. To entice Anakin, he told him that he and Padmé had relations with each other (which was true, again see Olivia Kenobi). At that, Padmé swallowed far too big a bite of apple and started choking, eventually passing out. Unfortunately, no one came to help her as Obi-Wan and Anakin were busy dueling.

Meanwhile, Palpatine executed Order 66 to all clones, so all the Jedi were PWNed. Just before they died, however, the hippies apparently made some barbecue, as there was a grill with now flaming hot dogs and hamburgers. In a fiendish move, Anakin Force-hovered a burning hot dog onto Obi-Wan's left foot. In pain, he kicked it up, and Anakin, who was looking at it, received a face full of really hot dog. The flames spread to his entire body, which could've easily been prevented if he just stopped, dropped, and rolled. Thinking his Sith death stick looked really cool, Obi-Wan took it. Then he administered some CPR on Padmé, who was going into labor.

In an effort to calm her down, Obi-Wan gave her the Sith death stick to smoke. Unfortunately, Sith death sticks were fatally poisonous to anyone who wasn't a Sith, so she was dying when she gave birth to Luke and Leia. Her last words were: "I should've gone with the Sith."

Everyone in the galaxy mourned her death, because why wouldn't they?