Owen Lars
| |
| Owen Lars | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld |
Tatooine or "Ator" (?) |
| Born |
52 BBY |
| Died |
0 BBY, PWNed by fire |
| Physical description | |
| Species | |
| Gender | |
| Height |
1.7 m |
| Hair color |
Brown, graying |
| Eye color |
Blue |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Era(s) |
|
- "And stop thinking about the intriguing, forbidden secrets of your past."
- ―Owen Lars, to Luke Skywalker
Owen Lars was a portly Human moisture farmer from Tatooine and a shrewd haggler who insisted every one of his droids spoke Bocce. He was the son of the lucky cripple Cliegg Lars, who married Shmi Skywalker, but they married afterwards, so Shmi was Owen's stepmother. Step-relatives played a major role in Owen's existence.
Owen was an ambitious youth with bright, shining eyes and an unquenchable hope for the joys of his realized potential. His father Cliegg wanted him to take over the family farm, but Owen knew what he was going to do tomorrow and the next day and next year and the year after that. He was shaking the dust of that crummy little planet off his feet and going off to see the galaxy! Coruscant, Corellia, Italy, Greece, the Parthenon, the Coliseum! And then he planned to come back and go to college and he was going to build things, airfields, spaceports, podracers. He was going to build skyscrapers a hundred stories high and bridges a mile long. But none of that happened, and he ended up stuck on Tatooine with his shrewish wife Beru and raising an annoying step-nephew named Luke, or Wormie, as the other kids called him.
Wait, step-nephew...? Hang on, let me get this straight. Anakin Skywalker was born to Shmi through immaculate conception. Shmi married Cliegg, whose son was Owen, so Owen was Shmi's stepson and therefore Anakin's stepbrother. OK. Then Anakin married Padmé Amidala, who gave birth to Luke and Leia, so the twins were Anakin's children and Owen's... step-niece and step-nephew. Yeah. Right. Doesn't anybody get born normally in this family? Fortunately, the noble Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi helped Owen out by "watching over the boy." Watching over him from several miles away while he lived in a hovel in the Dune Sea. And not offering any financial or educational assistance.
Owen's job was to wander around his moisture farm, telling droids what to do, lie to Luke about his father, and utterly refuse to recognize C-3PO and R2-D2 when he bought them, despite the fact that Anakin and Padmé had personally brought them to stay in their house when Anakin brought Shmi's dead body back from a massacre of Sand People. Idiot. Well, the stormtroopers who showed up at their doorstep sure as hell recognized the two droids. Oh, and they killed Owen and Beru and torched their bodies with a flamethrower.
Also, in an alternate universe, he killed Darth Maul, which was kinda cool. Also, in another alternate universe, he died falling from a harness on his way to the wrestling ring where he was going to take on The Godfather for the Intercontinental Title; or that may have been Owen Hart. Nah, the flamethrower death had more dignity.
