Obi-Wan Kenobi
| |
| Obi-Wan Kenobi | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld | |
| Born |
57 BBY |
| Died |
0 BBY, Death Star I (take a wild guess) |
| Physical description | |
| Species | |
| Gender | |
| Height |
He got high all right! |
| Hair color |
Auburn, later white |
| Eye color |
Blue-gray |
| Personal shit | |
| Butt buddies | |
| Asshole enemies | |
| Weapon |
Three blue lightsabers |
| Forms of ass-kickery | |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Era(s) |
|
| Affiliation | |
| Known masters | |
| Known apprentices | |
- "I love
dyou, Anakin!" - ―Obi-Wan Kenobi
Obi-Wan Kenobi, also known as Old Ben and Obi-Wan Ka-Boozy-Drinker and Catweazle and Obi-Wan Kohlrabi and mostly The Fat Old Bastard, was the master of both Anakin and Wormie Skywalker, and had a somewhat unhealthy approach to both of them, unfortunately resulting in five separate restraining orders from the Supreme Courts. Knowingly wore a mullet during his adult life. Kenobi was also the subject of his Padawan's book, How to talk to a Drunken Master.
"Ben's" artistic life
Prequel Trilogy
Obi-Wan spent a great deal of his young adult life being captured and tortured by various female evil-doers and rabid fangirls with Qui-Gon Jinn. Because he wasn't old enough to buy beer yet, Ben killed the red-and-black guy fearsome Sith Lord known as Darth Maul. After that, Darth Voldemort tried to kill Obi-Wan to pay back what Kenobi's father, Albus Dumbledore, did, but failed because Darth Voldemort was a pathetic loser.
After that, Obi-Wan adopted the artistic name of Ben the Man while on tour with the Jedi Brass Ensemble band. It was at this point that he grew his hair into the so-called "Jedi Mullet", an act that many point to as the catalyst for his eventual downfall. Drunk, Ben found all the clone troopers. Then fought in the Clone Wars, shooting Grievous and making his eyes go kablooey.
Clone Wars
- "Do you know who I am? Have you any idea how many anonymous Sith minions I've killed over the years? And look at you. You haven't even got a name or a backstory. You've got no chance. Why don't you just fall down? Go on, son."
- ―Obi-Wan Kenobi, fighting a Sith
The Clone Wars caused a major personality shift in Obi-Wan, turning him into a self-satisfied prat. He took to wearing shiny armor and making insulting bon mots to everyone around him, friend and enemy alike. He taunted Grievous; he taunted Asajj Ventress (who loved him for his abusive banter); he taunted Anakin; he taunted Ahsoka Tano; he taunted Durge; he taunted every Neimoidian he met. In short, he became insufferable, and what made it worse was that he was the greatest lightsaber swordsman in the galaxy. He was a master of Form II: Capo Ferro. He defeated everyone he fought, easily, fighting with his eyes closed and his hands tied to his ankles, and quipping after every parry. "Now, where were we? Ah, yes. I believe you were surrendering." Gah, you just want to smack his smug little face.
Back to the Prequel Trilogy
The life of a rock star Jedi took its toll on Old Ben, and he ultimately turned to the bottle. It was following a particularly impressive binge on Coruscant that Obi-Wan began an argument with his trombone player, young Anakin Skywalker. The disagreement ended with Anakin's severe burning, with a trombone wrapped around his burned head only adding insult to injury on Mustafar.
In between
Believe it or not, our pal Obi-Wan not only scored with Siri Tachi, but he also scored with Anakin's dream girl Padmé Amidala. Padmé, after patiently listening to Anakin whimper about the paper cut Dooku gave him during their lightsaber duel (Dookie was showing him photos of rabbits, and Anakin, in his delight, stabbed his poor finger on one of those corners), felt like out of all the whiny males five years younger than her, she married their king. In a rush of feminine crisis, she went to Obi-Wan to make her feel better. Obi-Wan entertained young Padmé for the night. Unfortunately, he pushed the wrong buttons and Padmé got pregnant with his child, Olivia Kenobi.
Hoping to get some business opening a Dune Sea Lodge on Tatooine after his first business went Great Jedi Purge under, Obi-Wan traveled to Tatooine with his kid. At the Tatooinian International Airport, Obi-Wan got sidetracked at the airport's bar. Some guy named Jax Pavan, a famed drunkard, challenged Kenobi to a Jawa juice drinking contest to see who could drink the most in 10 minutes. Obi-Wan drank 672 gallons, surpassing Jax's 43. He passed out and, forgetting who he was, took on the name Ben. Wondering why he had a baby in his arms, he sold Olivia to a Sith Mega-Super-Overlord by the name of Diane Vader, mother of Darth Vader, and used the money to buy more Jawa juice. I mean, you think you don't know a guy, he turns around and does something completely predictable...*sigh*...
It was after stumbling out of the Mos Eisley Cantina at the end of a three-day Whyren's Reserve binge that Obi-Wan happened upon young Luke "Wormie" Skywalker, and declared that he would become a great Jedi Knight. He also noted that Luke was hish besht friend inna…inna whole wide galaxy, yesh you are. Yesh you are.
Original Trilogy
Several disturbing incidents followed, including a second mutilation, this time inflicted upon noted civil servant Ponda Baba, who caught the wrong end of Obi-Wan's lightsaber, which Kenobi had mistaken for a bottle of gin. Obi-Wan later claimed he sensed the destruction of Alderaan as a "great disturbance in the Force", although corroborative evidence is sparse, as eye-witnesses state that, upon declaring this, Obi-Wan disappeared into a municipal toilet for a good twelve parsecs.
Obi-Wan soon wound up onboard the Death Star—in search of a bar, natch—and accidentally switched off the station's tractor beam, having nudged the control with his elbow while attempting a base jump off the platform. He later confronted Darth Vader, formerly Anakin Skywalker, and engaged him in mortal combat, possibly so mortal it was spelled with a "k". During the duel, Obi-Wan promised to show Vader a "neat trick", and proceeded to strip out of his robes, dumping them in a pile on the floor whilst he streaked throughout the Death Star whistling the Yub Yub song.
Old Ben would often speak of an imaginary friend, said to be a nine-hundred-year-old green puppet he could never quite remember where he left...
Obi-Wan eventually died of total liver failure. Fortunately, the liquor was strong with him, and Kenobi was able to return to the mortal realm as a big ol' blue guy…when he wasn't sampling the extensive drinking establishments up in Jedi Limbo.
