Nien "Nonk" Nunb
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| Nien "Nonk" Nunb | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld | |
| Physical description | |
| Species | |
| Gender |
Technically male. |
| Height |
Midget. |
| Hair color |
Bald in all departments. |
| Eye color |
Pass. |
| Cybernetics |
Let's not go there. |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Affiliation | |
- "Snuffle grunt squawk squeak NONK NONK!"
- ―Nien "Nonk" Nunb himself
Nien "Nonk" Nunb, sometimes referred to as Nien "Nonk" Noob or just Nonkin' Nien was a Molluskan Mollusk who flew a ship called the Aluminium Balkan that came close to destroying a planet. But, despite what Nonkin' Nien might tell you, the Death Star wasn't a real star. Real men blow up real planets with real "people" coming from them. And, to be fair, most of what Nien Noob claimed to have done was really done by Mr. Cool 'n' Smooth.
By all accounts, Nunby Nien was a bit of an ugly bastard. Whereas most people have frilly underwear, Nonk had a frilly face. With a big fat face, flappy bits of what we think is skin and big, piggy ears, his idiot hat completed the image of a Mollusk that really does look like an idiot. And, when he opens that mouth of his, he speaks a lot of unintelligible shit anyway. So we're not really missing much by ignoring this little guy altogether, really. Sadly, some people disagreed. One person even disagreed to Chewbacca's face, after Chewbacca told him to speak intelligible language. (Shh, don't tell Chewie Wookiee isn't all that intelligible.) Now, we all know not to argue with a Wookiee. But this idiot didn't.
And things didn't end happily for him. Or Nonkin' Nien.
History
A Mollusk by any other name would speak as bad
- "Punch it, Chewie!"
- ―Han Solo upon first seeing Nien Nunb.
Nien "Nonk" Nunb was born on the backwards world of Molluskan, which is not to be confused in pronunciation with "Molest Han", he had little to do but spend time with his sister Aril "Nunk" Nunb. No one quite knows the extent of this relationship, but we do know that, eventually, Nonkin' Nien sold his sister to SoroSuub for the chance to drive a speeder. Seeing as woman Mollusks are exactly the same as human women, and won't shut their god damn mouths, we can completely sympathize with this decision made by Nonkin' Nien, as we all know that driving a speeder is so much more fun than speaking to a woman. Even a Mollusk woman. However, despite having the luck to escape from this Mollusk woman, Nonkin' Nien still wasn't happy. Being disreputable and evil, Nonkin' Nien stole from his employers in a dastardly deal of betrayal and eviltude! With his childhood 'friend' Shane Tevv, which is a bit of a girly name if you say it in the Molluskan way, the two of them began fighting against the Empire. Which isn't just a bit stupid. It's a lot stupid. So downright stupid that it's pretty much at the level of the New CIS stupid. Wow.
But Nonkin' Nien didn't get to Nonk over the Star Destroyer they sent after him and his buddy Shane, or "Shane ma homie" as the Nonker called him. Bored as hell after having the shit beaten out of him and his buddy, Nonker McNonkington decided he needed something new to do with his spare time that involved more Nonk and less fail. Therefore, he decided he wanted to enlist in some cool club that would allow his Mollusk-ness not to be discriminated against. Seeing as all the other clubs and gangs Nonker wanted to join to Nonk some old people about were all full, he was forced to choose to instead want to Nonk the Empire. Therefore, Nien joined the Rebel Alliance, but failed in his endeavors to have the name changed to the "Nonker Alliance" or the "Alliance of Nonk". Some people just didn't appreciate the power of Nonk, which many have suggested is a less powerful form of the G*nk seen in G*nkism. But, of course, we're not going to suggest that sort of thing when we all know that G*nk and G*nkism is all in a league of its own. Yet these Mollusks are a backwards bunch, and Nonking really is a good talent for them I suppose. So let them Nonk away!
Nonkin' the Death Star
- Lando Calrissian: "Staaaaay on target... staaaay on target..."
- Nien Nunb: "Nonk away!"
- — Smooth 'n' cool and Nonker attacking the Death Star.
When attacking the planet of those small hairy and bloody annoying things, Nien Nunb decided he was in it for the sake of the Ewok Juice, something similar in composition to Jawa juice but subtly different. Nunb, however, got the deluded idea that he could find more of it from space rather than on the planet. Now, as you've probably guessed, Nonk was alright at Nonking, but he was pretty bad at everything else. Therefore, he didn't quite get the grasp of the fact that there's no Ewok Juice in space. So he was very disappointed. Smooth 'n' cool had to bribe him off with blue milk and the promise that destroying the Death Star would bring him Ewok Juice. Now, the Nonker actually wanted to take over the Death Star, rename it the Nonk Star and Nonk away at the galaxy. Sadly, however, he decided to destroy it if it would bring him Ewok Juice, so he went ahead with his attempts to destroy it anyway. When the Death Star got blown up, however, Nonker realized he'd lost his cache of Ewok Juice and his chance at ever owning a Nonk star, having been tricked by cool 'n' smooth. Lando refused to apologize, so Nien went just a little bit crazy.
Even Smooth 'n' cool was scared shitless by this maddening of the Nonk, therefore he bought the Nonker the spice mines of Kessel to make up for it, and said he could mine for Ewok Juice all day long. He also said that any money he made he could keep to buy Ewok Juice, which pacified the Nonker. You see, when the Nonker doesn't get his Ewok Juice he tends to get very crabby; his mother always said it was his little cutey-tootey, whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. In fact, Nien managed to raise so many funds for Ewok Juice, and managed to ship in so much, that the Black Sun tried to kill him for it. But it was all okay, because Nonker Nonked the hell out of them, even though other people tried to help. Even when the spikey-alien-crabby-plastic-fake alien things invaded the galaxy, Nonker made his planet so strong and Nonked up that they couldn't take it down.
And he gorged on Ewok Juice forever more and so could not die.
