Military Instructor
| |
| Military Instructor Instructor Instructor from Hell Princess Irritating (Called by his Parents) | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld | |
| Born |
The Worst Day in the World |
| Died |
No one bothered to record the date; they were too busy celebrating |
| Physical description | |
| Species |
Human-mouse thing |
| Gender | |
| Height |
2.1 meters |
| Hair color |
None |
| Eye color |
Black (described as dark pits of torture) |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Era(s) |
A very, very sad era |
| Affiliation |
|
| Known masters |
Some idiot who couldn't buff up wimps either |
| Known apprentices |
All of his poor, poor students |
- "Stop picking on me, pervert! No I don't wanna go here! IT WAS MY PARENTS! No I'm not gonna do it with you!"
- ―One of the Instructor's students to the Instructor.
The Military Instructor is a seriously fucked up loser who attempted to run a military school. Pretty much none of his students passed, and he actually ended up owing the parents of the students money because he sucked so bad. The Military Instructor was a suspected terrorist, but he was cleared of that when the CIA realized how pathetic he was.
Biography
Birth of a Retard
The Military Instructor was a huge, drunk accident. His mom had had a shitload of Tarisian Ale, along with some British chick, and done it with his dad in a closet. Ten miserable, agonizing months later, the Military Instructor was born.
The Retarded Tike
The Military Instructor grew up with many, many problems (his mom dropping him on his head, possibly on purpose, being one of many). He kept pissing himself on the couch, shooting himself in the ass with a broken blaster, thinking he was cool when wearing his mom's thongs around the house on his head and saying "How do I look, boys?", and doing many other things. One day, his dad decided to go out and get a break from his son. While out in the open, the Military Instructor's dad was killed when some drunk battle droids started bombing the neighborhood. This drastically affected the Military Instructor.
30 Retarded Years Later...
By the time the Military Instructor was 35, he'd already wanted to open up a Military Academy to help people with problems like him, but honestly, who would be that screwed up? Anyway, he proceded to open up his stupid academy, named it [Censored, because the name was so gay], and began to get students.
Darth Ruptus Interrupts
Yo, Military Instructor, I'm really happy for you and yo shitty academy, Ima let you finish, but Beyoncé has one of the best videos of all time! The best videos of all time! Also, you're gay.
Teaching (Kinda) Retardedly
Okay, that was random...anyway. Students began immediately enrolling, such as Carth Onasi and Wedge Antilles. The second the Military Instructor saw Carth, he turned into some gay fanboy and immediately developed a crush. A couple nights later, the Military Instructor kidnapped Carth and proposed marriage. Carth started screaming, said no, failed all his tests the day after, got buttraped by a hobo, and got kicked out of the academy.
Retarded Encounter With Racism
While on vacation from his now failing due to lack of funding, the Military Instructor met a bunch of racists, who were against freaky mice-people like himself. The Military Instructor got in a fight with the racists, ended up losing, and the racists proceeded to mug him, hit him in the face with a lightsaber, and run off. After losing the fight and such, the Instructor curled up in a fetal position and started crying.
Retarded Face
The encounter with the racists left the Military Instructor permanently scarred; his face was all burned up and bloody, one of his eyes had been destroyed, and his nose looked weird. When returning to the academy, the Instructor's students started screaming and running around. Wedge Antilles pissed his pants. Some little boys started crying. Buildings exploded. Clearly, it was a mess. It got even worse when volcanoes started shooting out of the ground, a tidal wave hit the academy, and Sith bombers started...well, bombing, isn't it obvious? Fearing for his severely screwed up life, the Military Instructor got in his ship and tried to fly off, but his engines had been screwed with (thank you, curious children that broke into the hangar), and he crashed into a building.
(Retarded) Disaster
The academy was brought to the ground. Kids' parents started showing up, grabbing their kids and running off, and the older students stole a working ship and flew away. The Military Instructor started whining about how his "Academy had burned down!" and how his "Foot was bleeding like hell!" and stuff like that. Crying, the Military Instructor ran away. The academy was soon after turned into a rehab, and Amy Winehouse went there. While there, she wrote her song "Rehab".
Retarded Legacy
The Military Instructor, whose name was confirmed to be Svetlana (maybe he was some kind of terrorist, or even a hooker), wasn't seen until, 10 years later, his body washed up on the shore of some beach on Manaan, causing the Selkath to go on and on about peace, love, reproduction, and more shit. Everybody, especially his parents, started celebrating immediately. In then end, nobody gave a care that Svetlana had died. Well, except the Selkath.
Trivia
- Asajj Ventress actually beat the Military Instructor in an arm wrestle once. Seriously, that's sad.
