God
| |
| God (A.K.A: Kyle Katarn) | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld |
The blessed place of Sulon |
| Born |
In the beginning there was KATARN.... |
| Died |
NEVER |
| Physical description | |
| Species | |
| Gender | |
| Height |
Whatever he wants it to be |
| Hair color |
(see Beard) |
| Eye color |
Laser beam shooting |
| Cybernetics |
Multidimensional pockets of infinite storage space. |
| Personal shit | |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Era(s) |
All of them |
| Affiliation | |
| Known masters |
NO person commands GOD! |
| Known apprentices |
Everybody else |
- "Kyle Katarn doesn't need to Flow Walk, he just scares space/time."
- ―Random and Totally True Kyle Katarn Fact
God, otherwise known as Kyle Katarn or Mandalore the Bearded by all lesser mortals, is the exact opposite of just a simple man trying to make his way in the universe. Kyle Katarn makes the universe through His mere presence within it. Kriff it, he's the Star Wars Chuck Norris (only not gay).
He kicks ass, chews gum, takes names and sleeps with your wife in the process. He's just a guy with a lightsaber, some questions and the ability to destroy your planet just by thinking about it. He is the wielder of the Shoulderpad of Power, which is actually grafted onto His skin. As an indicator of His pure kick-ass-ness, He has a beard. Basically, Kyle Katarn rocks your freakin' socks off. He also has trans-dimensional pockets, allowing Him to carry objects such as rocket launchers in His pants with no discomfort—and is thus able to answer, "Both," to the question, "Is that a rocket launcher in Your pocket or are You just pleased to see me?".
Nearly 4,000 years before Kyle allowed the "Galactic Empire" to exist, he used the full use of Force pwn to create Darth Revan. Kyle humored himself by creating the D'arth Syyth to pit Revan against. Kyle armed both sides heavily, but not allowing each to know too well of the other. Revan discovered this an immediately attempted to destroy the D'arth Syyth, but Kyle found this conspiracy and erased Revan's memory. When the time was ready, ten years after the destruction of the Star Forge, Revan was on the pitiful light side, but remembered the Darth Syyth and attempted to find them. He hid, the Jedi Exile attempted to find him, and when a new ship entered the area, Revan's minions were attacked by the D'arth Syyth. Several days later, at the Battle of Coruscant, Revan was killed when he used a Force pwn and it destroyed all of the D'arth Syyth and himself.
Kyle was amused by this and forced the Sith to return. The Sith nearly destroyed the Jedi, but one Sith nearly killed the entire fleet, so the idiotic Sith was pwned by Kyle himself. The Jedi thought the Sith were gone, so Kyle conspired with the Sith to attack the Jedi with Palpatine.
Kyle lost interest and found out Palpatine was already dead. He then gave Jerec a lightsaber beatdown for laughs, and then pwned any others who disapproved of Kyle. Kyle then attempted to pwn the annoying Rosh Penin. Jaden Korr got to Rosh first, but Kyle destroyed Jaden, but allowed Jaden to live in another timeline.
Jacen Solo once tried to PWN him, but Kyle used Force beard deflection by catching the lightsaber on his beard, shorting the lightsaber out until Mount Sorrow stopped crying. Kyle then shot his Bryar pistol in the air, causing a Star Destroyer to crash on Jacen's head. This prompted Jacen to write the top ten hit, "Another One Bites the Durasteel."
Oh, he also killed Luke Skywalker and scored with Mara Jade Skywalker, after which they had 25 children that all became sexy red-bearded Jedi. Even the daughters.
Behind the scenes
Guess who wanted to play Kyle Katarn but got denied on all fronts?[1]
Notes and references
- ↑ The above comment was inserted by Darth Obvious
    
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