Kermit
| |
| Kermit | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld | |
| Born |
Who gives a frak |
| Died |
Brutally slain by HK-47, so HELL YEAH!! |
| Physical description | |
| Species | |
| Gender |
Male |
| Height |
1.00 meters |
| Hair color |
Silver pubes |
| Eye color |
Pingy pongy black |
| Cybernetics |
Metal balls |
| Personal shit | |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Era(s) | |
| Affiliation |
|
| Known masters | |
| Known apprentices |
Piglet (as Force ghost) |
- "I HATE SESAME STREET!"
- ―Kermit after being kicked out of Sesame Street and being tortured by Darth Elmo
Kermit was the love-child of Yoda and Yaddle. As a Padawan, he left the Jedi Order because he couldn't understand his parents most of the time, as they would often speak backwards. He came across Darth Elmo who introduced him to the Dark Side and the art of destroying planets. Kermit joined Sesame Street for two days. However, he failed to destroy a planet sucked at destroying planets, so he was kicked out of the group fled to Tatooine were he met Miss Piggy, the Gamorrean Queen. She seduced him and he fell for her because her gentle voice reminded him of his father.[1] Kermit was later "tragically" killed by Richard Simmons.
Biography
Early life
Kermit was born on Coruscant to father Yoda and mother Yaddle. Yoda had fucked Yaddle at some Jedi-Sith mixer. Yes, it was against the Jedi Code, but it was the sixties, man! They were hopped up on God knows what! Well, nine months later, Yaddle gave birth to a healthy baby tadpole. Growing up in the Jedi Order was difficult for young Kermit. The younglings would constantly tease him for sounding too much like Ernie, while his parents were of no help in this. Kermit was never able to understand a word they said, being as they enjoyed talking backward. Finally, at the age of ten, Kermit had enough of it. He packed his bags and headed to Nar Shaddaa.
Living on Nar Shaddaa
While living on the moon, Kermit met very uninteresting people. However, one day while shinin' shoes for Mace Windu, Kermit met Darth Elmo. At first, Lord Elmo didn't think much of the boy. This changed when Kermit killed five Twi'leks in a bar fight. What Elmo didn't know was that Kermit's cousin, Bubo had done the damage as Kermit was much too wimpy. Elmo accepted Kermit into the Sesame Street ranks.
Sesame Street is brought to you by the number 2, as in 2 days of no planet destruction
After two days of working for Sesame Street, Kermit was kicked out because he failed to destroy a single planet. Elmo was furious over this and tortured Kermit for hours. During this, Elmo felt a great disturbance in the Force. Light years away, he could feel his religion, the Brotherhood of the Bird, being exterminated by the evil Dr. Dick-Smith Deez Nuts and Bob Barker. Darth Elmo decided to keep torturing Kermit and ignore the threat against the Brotherhood, a move he would later regret. Hours later, the Brotherhood had met its demise, along with Elmo's lord, Big Bird. Darth Elmo blamed Kermit for this, as if he had not been busy torturing the frog, he could have helped the Brotherhood. Elmo decided to kill Kermit using the evil power of Tickle Torture. Kermit lasted twenty seconds of this power just before escaping and fleeing to Tatooine.
Miss Piggy, the Gamorrean Queen
Upon arriving at Tatooine, Kermit incorrectly landed his vessel in a no-dock zone. The frog was soon arrested and taken to the Gamorrean Queen, Miss Piggy. When he met the Queen, Kermit instantly knew she was the most beautiful being he had ever seen. Piggy, however, did not share the same feelings. After beating the shit out of him for several days, Piggy made Kermit her love slave as she became a frog-rapist. While working for Piggy, Kermit developed a friendship with his bodyguard, Gonzo. The two would hang out each day, as Gonzo would sneak Kermit jello puddin' pops. However, during this time, Gonzo realized his feelings for Piggy to be the same as Kermit's. Gonzo was in love with the Gamorrean Queen. The bodyguard secretly plotted a way to rid of Kermit so he could have Piggy hold him in her arms forever. The bad blood grew larger as Kermit married Piggy the following week.
Darth Elmo returns
After searching to find Kermit for years, Elmo's search had finally ended upon discovering his location on Tatooine. Lord Elmo deployed his secret apprentice, Darth Animal to take care of Kermit as Elmo secretly watched just outside of Kermit's location. Kermit, protected by dozens of Gamorreans and his spouse, Miss Piggy, was well aware of Animal's rage and knew his end was near. Darth Animal sliced right trough his Gamorrean opponents and soon nothing separated Animal from his target. Kermit proved a difficult enemy though, using his Frog abilities and his Ataru skills to dodge Darth Animal's attacks. In a last attempt, Darth Animal used all of his Force powers to PWN his green opponent with Force pwn. Lucky for Kermit, he was so thin that most of the attack missed him completely. Unlucky for Darth Animal, he had used so much of his Force powers in one attack that he injured all of his midi-chlorians. Unable to use the Force, he attacked Kermit mano-a-frogo. Swinging his lightsabers, Animal cut himself in thirty-four pieces. The Sith Underlord was no more. Soon thereafter, Darth Elmo sought a new apprentice to take care of Kermit for him. However, only weeks later, Elmo committed the ultimate act of treachery and killed himself to dominate his own empire. Kermit was one of the many to attend his funeral.
Death
- "Statement: This meatbag isn't worth the price of a bullet. I think I'll just use a nice vibroblade to make some frog legs. Many meatbags will give me credits for a chance to eat such a rare treat."
- ―HK-47 to Kermit
Gonzo's plan was ready. Paying HK-47 five credits, the bodyguard was ready to take over where Kermit was to leave off. "Tragically", HK-47 found Kermit in bed with Miss Piggy and used a vibroblade to make frog legs. Kermit's final words before death were, "It's... not easy... being... green..." The frog became one with the Force.
Biography: Part Deux
Waking up
Kermit woke up seconds later to find himself in the mouth of Poopa the Hutt being eaten. After escaping, he found that he had become one with the Force and was now a Force ghost. At this point, Kermit became severely depressed after realizing what had happened and attempted suicide, only to survive. He took off for Tatooine yet again in search for his Gamorrean Queen. Upon arriving at the world, Kermit noticed something was different. He could feel it. Something had changed. He spent days trying to find what was different before realizing that the Gamorrean Palace he had been living had been demolished. Going through historical records, he also found that Gonzo had been killed the night of his death by Miss Piggy, and that Piggy had in fact raised a child named Piglet. Kermit had woken up thirteen years later. To Kermit's shock, Piggy had died at the hands of Darth Darth Binks who had impregnated her using the Force. The frog realized that, being as he was a Force ghost and could not fight the living, he had to find this son of Piggy's and train him in the ways of the Force. Unfortunately for Kermit, Piglet was an idiot.
Prophecy of the Pig'ari: Meeting Piglet
One night while seeking shelter from a sandstorm in a cave, Piglet found himself meeting his "father", Kermit. The Force ghost told him of his origins and the ways of the Force. The frog then foretold Piglet the prophecy of the Pig'ari. While hesitant at first, Piglet agreed to become the apprentice of Kermit.
Piglet's first mission
After the sandstorm had passed, Piglet and Kermit traveled to the world Mandalore were the young pig would construct one of the greatest weapons ever made: the saw of doom. Piglet's first mission from Kermit was to travel to Alderaan and assassinate Miss Piggy's killer, Darth Darth Binks. While there, he was also to kill hundreds of hippies. Unbeknown to Piglet, he was being observed by none other than the killer of his master: HK-47. Unfortunately for Kermit, the two found that they liked each other's style of killing and quickly formed an alliance as the most deadly bounty-hunter/mass-murdering duo alive. Using the saw of doom, Piglet was able to kill the Force ghost of Kermit. We'll get back to you when we understand how killing a ghost is possible. Piglet and HK-47 would later destroy hundreds planets with unparalleled carnage and bloodshed. Kermit never got to see the death of Darth Darth Binks.
Legacy
Kermit, whose career took a brief but drastic turn as a Christian rocker later in his life, garnered much critical acclaim with his song "It's Not Easy Being A Witness All The Time".[2]
Powers and abilities
Kermit the Frog was considered very wimpy by the rest of the galaxy. Not only was he unable to destroy a planet, but he was also unable to kill a man. Despite this, he proved to be a challenging adversary for Darth Animal. As it turns out, most of his attacks were very easy for Kermit to dodge, due to his frog abilities. He even became the victor of the battle, due to Darth Animal accidentally killing himself. He was no match for HK-47 though, who made sure to chop his legs off so he couldn't hop away.
