Kaminoan
| |
| Kaminoan | |
|---|---|
| Designation |
Weird |
| Planet of origin | |
| Height of average adult |
very tall |
| Average length |
long neck |
| Skin color |
White-ish |
| Hair color |
none |
| Eye color |
Black |
| Distinctions |
their neck is really freaking long |
Kaminoans were cloners. Damn good ones, too. They lived on Kamino and saw things in higher spectrums of color than Humans, this meant they were considered very smart by some people. During the Great 20 Second Flood some of them drowned, others mutated into Aiwah and the rest of them just sat there and watched it all.
Not much is known about the Kaminoans because their planet was deleted from the Jedi Archives, later re-discovered and deleted from the archives again when the Kaminoans insulted Emperor Palpatine by killing some of his Imperial stormtroopers. All information in this article was gathered by Darthipedia. We managed to gather this information by interviewing clone troopers, some very hot Twi'lek ladies and two Kaminoans that left Kamino when people still knew where it was.
Kaminoan history
Before the Clone Wars
- "That'll teach you to cheat on me"
- ―A vengeful Jedi seconds before erasing Kamino from the archives
Before the Clone Wars nobody had ever heard of Kamino or the Kaminoans. No one knew they existed because a vengeful Jedi, who lost his girlfriend to a Kaminoan, erased them and their planet from the Jedi Archives. This caused the Kaminoans to be almost bored to death, a few days before they would commit mass suicide, Count Dooku found the planet and told the Kaminoans to start cloning Jango Fett. This saved the Kaminoans, who were now no longer bored. During Dooku's time on Kamino, several Kaminoans died of unknown causes, at least two bodies being fund a day. Autopsies showed a surprising lack of blood in the corpses and two puncture wounds in each of the bodies' necks the killer was never found, though it should be noted that the killing stopped right after Dooku had left the planet.
Kaminoans during the Clone Wars
Important Kaminoans before and during the Clone Wars were Taun We and Taun Kiwi. Taun We was in charge of making Clone troopers and her brother, Taun Kiwi, was responsible for making mutated Kaminoans and Living, Breathing, Talking, Flying, Hovering, Strafing, Bombing Republic Gunship™. To make the gunships he used a virus that muted Kaminoans into weird half Kaminoan half computer, creatures. The rest of the Kaminoans did not know Taun Kiwi was mutating Kaminoans, they thought he was mutating other people. When they found out what Taun Kiwi was really doing they wanted to arrest him, but he had already escaped by the time the Kaminoan police reached his laboratory.
During the clone wars, many people that hated the Republic and their clone troopers tried to invade Kamino and kill the Kaminoans, but unfortunately none of these people every succeeded. The Kaminoans had anticipated that many people would hate them for making clone troopers, so they had a made an extra clone army to protect Kamino from all the weird people in the galaxy. The army was also a very good tool for payment collection. They kept their personal clone army a secret, they only revealed when they were attacked or when someone refused to pay. The army usually caused the attackers to run away, and always convinced the customers to pay. On one occasion, when the Confederacy of Independent Systems attacked the planet, the Kaminoans had to fight a real battle. This was not a simple argument about payment, the Confederacy wanted to destroy Kamino and the clone army did not scare them. Not knowing what to do in this situation, the Kaminoans asked the Republic for help. The Republic was afraid the Confederacy would destroy their only source of clone troopers, so they sent a clone army and some Jedi to defend help defend the planet while the Kaminoans fled to the bottom of Kamino's ocean.
Kaminoans and the Empire
- "Destroy all records of the existence of the planet Kamino. I don't want anyone to find that planet ever again. Let the Kaminoans rot in their boredom!"
- ―Palpatine, after he heard about "Kick the Empire's ass day"
After Palpatine had "made" his Empire, he sent Darth Vader to Kamino because he was going to need more Clone troopers Stormtroopers. Unfortunately for the Empire, the Kaminoans had other plans. Although they hated the Jedi, the Kaminoans loved the Galactic Republic because they had always paid them on time, sometimes even a day early. Because the Empire had a reputation for always paying their bills late, the Kaminoans didn't want to make clones for them, instead they made a clone army for themselves and kicked the Empire's and Darth Vader's ass during Kick the Empire's ass day. After this battle the Emperor was so angry that he ordered his stormtroopers to destroy all records of the planet Kamino, the Kaminoans were once again deleted from every archive in the galaxy. I would love to write that no one ever heard from them again... but unfortunately the story does not end here.
The second Boring Era and the arrival of new "rulers"
During the next two months the Kaminoans experienced the second Boring Era, although this time was not as boring as the first Boring Era, at least two Kaminoans had to be taken to a hospital because they were so bored they had started to clone random bugs. Because no supply ships were sent to the planet the Kaminoans' only food was fish from the planets oceans, eating the same thing every day caused them to be even more bored. However, one day a ship discovered Kamino by crashing into it, the ships crew somehow managed to survive the crash, spending four hours in Kamino's stormy ocean and almost being eaten by the bored and hungry Kaminoans that rescued them from the ocean. Because the planet they had crashed on technically did not exist, no one would ever come to rescue the Hot, Female, Twi'lek that were on the ship. The ladies were used to being drooled on by nerds and geeks, so at first they liked the fact that no one knew were they were. The male Kaminoans seemed to be attracted to their new guests and the Twi'leks soon had hundreds of Kaminoans doing what ever they ordered. On Kamino they had all the food, men (that did not drool) they needed, they lived in luxury for four whole days before they realized the Kaminoans could not satisfy their "other needs." They then ordered their Kaminoan slaves to make some (non drooling) clone troopers for them to "play with."
Twi'lek trouble
The male Kaminoans loved the hot female Twi'leks and gave them everything they asked for, the best food, the very best (and "biggest") clones and many male Kaminoan slaves to help them get dressed. The only negative thing were the hundreds of female Kaminoans that wanted their husbands and boyfriends back, this group of female Kaminoans grew everyday. This left the male Kaminoans only one choice, hide the Twi'leks. But they knew the female Kaminoans would eventually find the Twi'leks, so the they started to gather weapons and other stuff you need when fighting a war against your wives and girlfriends. The female Kaminoans also knew that a war was unavoidable and they were also gathering weapons, their most powerful weapon against the male population of the planet was sex, or, no sex. They refused to have sex with any male Kaminoan unless he first told them were to find the female Twi'leks. The female's plan did not work, none of the male Kaminoans revealed the location of the female Twi'leks. The female Kaminoans now no other choice... they had to actually start looking for the Twi'leks themselves. They searched every place on the planet, causing the male Kaminoans to grow increasingly worried that their hot Twi'lek women would be found and tossed back into the sea, so they started to build a huge ship that they and the Twi'leks could use to escape the planet.
The great male Kaminoan vs. female Kaminoan war
Fights between male and female Kaminoans were starting to get normal, but when a female Kaminoan kicked a male Kaminoan in the balls one day the male population declared war on any female Kaminoan that did not recognize the beauty and sexiness of the female Twi'leks. The female population responded by shooting the male representatives that had informed them about this ultimatum in the balls, the first battle of the war had been fought and won by the females, but it would not stay like that for long. Not long after the first battle, the Army of Twi'lek hating female Kaminoans that want they're men back struck again. This time they raided a bar where many male Kaminoans came to discus the beauty and sexiness of the female Twi'leks. This second battle was more violent then the first, three female Kaminoans got shot in the head (yes, the men knew at what part of the body to shoot), and eight male Kaminoans were castrated.
The war continued for several hours, by this time the female Twi'leks and their many clone slaves had already retreated to the escape ship. Because they had everything they needed -food, fuel, a ship to escape with, male clone troopers to play with and to protect them- they decided that they no longer needed the Kaminoans and left the planet without them. The female Kaminoans had won the war, the male Kaminoans were offered a choice, they could either promise that they would only love female Kaminoans or they would be castrated. The females also demanded that they be the leaders of the planet because the male population was clearly not mature enough (and they thought with their dicks to much) to rule the planet. However, many male Kaminoans looked at the stars every night, hoping that the Twi'leks would one day return...
Is this it?
- "This is it! This is the end of the article!"
- ―Darth Obvious
Yes, Thank god, this is it! this is all the information we have about the Kaminoans. unfortunately there is not much more information about the Kaminoans because, as you might have guessed, they and their planet technically don't exist. The only information we have about them is what individual clone troopers and the hot Twi'leks have told us... Damn... interviewing those Hot Female Twi'leks was fun, one of them even let me... ehhh... anyway, this is everything we know about them, if you have more information, or if you're a Hot Female Twi'lek, please contact Darthipedia.
