K'Kruhk's hat

"It's pointy."

―Supergeeky1

"K'Kruhk stole that hat from Rayden in mortal combat, and since K'Kruhk is immortal he won."

―Madclaw

K'Kruhk's hat.
Biographical information
Born	At the dawn of time.
Died	At the end of time.
Nationality	Hat
Occupation	Being freakin' sweet.
Physical description
Gender	Hermaphrodite.
Height	Freakin' sweet height.
Hair color	is freakin' sweet.
Eye color	is freakin' sweet.
Career
Voice acting in	a freakin' sweet voice.

[Source]

K'Kruhk's hat was a freakin' sweet hat. Let's get that out of the way first. Whatever hat you may own, may wish to own, may once have owned or may be owned and worn by the elderly lady next door on Thursday is nothing compared to K'Kruhk's hat. Do you hear me? Nothing. Born at the dawn of time, this creation was the first thing George Lucas God ever envisioned, conceived and created for the galaxy. K'Kruhk was the man blessed with the awesomeness to retrieve this hat from an ancient tomb on the dark world of Malibu. In true worship of its amazing features, (which included lightsaber resistance and a free pair of woollen mittens upon purchase) K'Kruhk took it around the galaxy upon his head and various things happened in the story of the great hat.

What things, I hear you ask?

Well, K'Kruhk used the recipe printed on the left inside flap to make special fudge brownies, recipe courtesy of Darth Vader. He was also able to use the hat as a wok, and a cult of religious worshippers sprang up on the planet Bith after K'Kruhk visited the planet and showed his hat to the various members of the planet worshipping just how freakin' sweet this hat was. This also had an effect on the various fanboys and girls around the World who respected how freakin' sweet it was, but took this to a whole new disgusting level. Eventually, tired of all this stuff and angry at how the quality of their site was dwarfed by the awesomeness of the hat, Wookieepedia chose to destroy it's individual article.

Yes, the hat poured righteous wrath down on them for that.

History

Birth

"Bantam gave us Waru, Lucasarts gave us Katarn, and Dark Horse gave us the hat. All Del Ray gave us was a purple chicken."

―Darth Sidious

The hat was first created in a flash of light, a puff of logic and a whiff of something that smelt decidedly like rotten eggs being incinerated in the desert of Korriban. Which is, many say, where the hat first appeared. As the hat sat there, slightly bemused, and pondering that which had led it to being created and conceived in such a place, a big, hairy hand reached down and grabbed it. Some say K'Kruhk was awesome prior to finding the hat. Others say the hat was what made him awesome. Either way, very few had heard of this "K'Kruhk" prior to his discovering of this freakin' sweet hat. But, having found it, K'Kruhk chose to put it on his head. Any lesser man would have been disintegrated due to not meeting the requirements of awesomeness, and women can't be awesome, (all they ever do is nag, goddammit, nag!) and so K'Kruhk was the one chosen by the hat. For K'Kruhk had little hand in choosing the hat; that hat called to him, and he answered.

The hat picked K'Kruhk.

Thrilled at this prospect of having a new, freakin' sweet hat, K'Kruhk took it back to the planet of Coruscant, to the Jedi Temple. Now the pride of the Jedi Temple, being praised and fawned over by his fellow Jedi, K'Kruhk and his hat were big news. They were so big news that Yoda attempted to creep up on K'Kruhk and steal the hat, but the hat gave Yoda an electric shock through the Force that sent him leaping backwards. For only the hat chooses its master, not the master the (freakin' sweet) hat. This meant that the Jedi Temple meeting soon degenerated into a bitch fight between Yoda and K'Kruhk, which K'Kruhk undoubtedly won due to being the master of this freakin' sweet hat. It was around a year after discovering the hat that K'Kruhk found the chocolate fudge brownie recipe imprinted on the inside of the hat and, using the hat as a wok, made the best food he'd ever tasted.

Such is the promise of the hat.

Hat in adulthood

"It is... pointy. And freakin' sweet."

―Captain Obvious

The freakin' sweet hat could be worn with such cavalier impunity and badassery.

In order to spread the Cult of the Hat throughout the galaxy, having been asked by the hat to do so, K'Kruhk traveled to the planet Bith. In return, the hat promised him eternal life, as K'Kruhk cannot and may not die. On Bith, the locals recognized just how freakin' sweet the hat was, and so offered K'Kruhk and his hat far more than the pair had initially expected. A cult, in worship of the freakin' sweet hat, soon sprang up, with daily prayers being made and imitation hats handed out in return for chip fat and goose feathers. Although K'Kruhk and the hat felt very comfortable on Bith, they said that, for now, they had to leave. The hat said that he would not destroy their planet, and K'Kruhk said he wouldn't either (although, without the hats consent, he had little power to be able to do so anyway) and so they left, travelling across the galaxy once more.

It was then that the hat met someone new.

Even the rebellious, untamed, youthful and crazy Cade Skywalker was humbled and awed in front of the hat, and begged to be able to wear it in order to seduce Deliah Blue. The hat, however, was not for such mortal things as seducing women, (noble a pastime as it may be) and so the hat said no to Cade Skywalker as well. Allowing K'Kruhk to survive the invasion of crabs and more crabs, and allowing him to reach the position of Jedi High Council member, it was the hat that also granted him eternal life and power, because it was just so freakin' sweet. The one time K'Kruhk ever relinquished the hat, he loaned it to Palpatine. It saved his life after the attack by Ghetto Jedi, but K'Kruhk took the hat back again.

What the hat did

"It's not a question of what you can do for the hat, but what the hat can do for YOU."

―Common knowledge

The hat had many powers, and did many things, for K'Kruhk in the time it served him. What were these things?

• … it gave him eternal life.
• … it allowed K'Kruhk to place an entire species inside it, use it as an Ark and save them from total destruction.
• … it fried chips upon demand.
• … it could be used as a musical instrument.
• … it was the Star Wars answer to the iPod.
• … HoloNet news endorsed it as "sexy", "freakin' sweet", and "sexily freakin' sweet".
• … K'Kruhk sang in a fine, strong baritone when wearing the hat, but not at all when he didn't wear it.
• … Xizor offered K'Kruhk a planet in return for the hat, but the hat/K'Kruhk said no.
• … the hat had its own talk show.
• … Bastila Shan tried to buy it when shopping.
• … the years spent hiding by Thrawn were actually spent searching for the hat.
• … Darth Vader once had a hat just like it, but was forced to eat it to stay alive.
• … K'Kruhk could pull a bunny from the hat. Not just any bunny, but Max armed with a Bryar pistol.