Jesus Patrick Bach
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| Jesus Patrick Bach | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld | |
| Born |
3 B.C. |
| Died |
33 A.D. |
| Physical description | |
| Species | |
| Gender | |
| Height |
Heroic |
| Hair color |
Brown and blond |
| Eye color |
Blue |
| Personal shit | |
| Butt buddies | |
| Asshole enemies | |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Affiliation | |
- "Interpretation is the key to interpreting the interpretation of the key that interprets interpretation."
- ―Jesus Patrick Bach. We don't get it either.
Jesus Patrick Bach, more commonly known to his dyslexic friends as Ussej Padric Bac, was a German composer and Jedi Knight turned Shaman of the Free Willy during the Galactic-Ultra-Insanely Bloody-Cat, Kitty, Feline, etc.-War.
Biography
Diaper days
- "I did not have sex with that wampa!"
- ―Jesus Patrick Bach after being accused of murdering the pregnant wampa after supposedly fathering her child.[src]
Jesus Patrick Bach was born on Alderaan, one of two planets, the other being Tatooine, that all great heroes come from. He was a German musical prodigy from an early age, but he became a Jedi Knight. While on Corellia, where Superman was born, he and his Jedi Master were involved in a speeder accident, killing a pregnant wampa. This wampa's child, however, was spared. Her grandwampas named her Monica Lu Wampa, and she would later become a major influence in Jesus's life. Jesus was accused of murdering the wampa, but he was let go when the authorities realized no one cared about wampas.
Jedi Knight
After the accident, Jesus became a Jedi Knight. He was, of course, a hero, and to prove it he took his shirt off at any possible opportunity. He also had the wise answers, but they were coupled with a "bantha in the headlights" look that put people off. Nevertheless, he served throughout the Galactic-Ultra-Insanely Bloody-Cat, Kitty, Feline, etc.-War, butchering numerous insanely bloody kitties in the name of peace, freedom, justice, and security. What a guy!
Despite being considered a hero, he became mentally disabled for a brief period of time after his best friend, a Dash Rendar wannabe, destroyed a planet. He was cured of his mental disability, proving that autism is a hoax like the moon landing and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, for one very simple reason: the hot blonde damsel in distress.
The Assaulthead Crisis
- "Assaulthead: STOP CALLING ME A FUCKING JESUSPATRICKBACH BUTTFUCKER. STOP CALLING ME A HOMO!!"
- ―Jesus does not tolerate bullshit.[src]
One of his enemy kitties, who was also a Sith Mega-Super-Overlord, during the war called himself Assaulthead. Assaulthead would often personally target Jesus, calling him names like "nazi" and "vaginafucker." This was intolerable, at least at first. Jesus attempted to strike back and strike back hard, but he realized that Assaulthead kept coming back for more. Therefore, after one last assault against Assaulthead, Jesus gave up and ignored him. The vile attacks likely continue to this day.
True love and destiny
- "Nobody fucks with Jesus. Nobody except for Monica."
- ―Jesus Patrick Bach, a man of few words and tastes.
Every hero needs someone who can pull him back from the edge. Jesus did this, and had sexual relations with that woman on the side. Her name, of course, was Monica Lu Wampa, and she was his one true love. After the war, Jesus and Monica fled to the Unknown Regions and found the Bendy Bendu, who told them about a God called Yahweh, though there was only one real God who was born later in the form of Kyle Katarn. Jesus became a hero to them too. Surprising? Not really. He just had that affect on people.
It was with the Bendy Bendu that he became the Shaman of the Free Willys. He went and lived in another dimension where he performed this job, helping little children into his van so they could "find his hairy Wookiee" and "have some hard candy." Depending on three conflicting reports, he either did this until he was arrested by the police, inducted into NAMBLA, or until Kata...er, God said he could go to Heaven and have sexual relations with that wampa again.
Legacy
As any clearly rational person might imagine, Jesus left an impeccable legacy, second to no one other than Kyle Katarn himself. His legacy lived on at least until the time of his descendant, Christian Bale, who was galactically renowned for being the man-crush of certain super geeky fanboys.
Personality and traits
- "Goddamn house-cleaner's stealing from me again. DAMN YOU DORANTES!"
- ―Jesus Patrick Bach upon discovering that his maid, Nimrod Anthill, stole five dollars out of his wallet. Is that border wall done yet?[src]
Jesus did not have any flaws, but he had a number of great attributes. They are so immense that there is no point in even listing them here. One of Jesus's pet projects was ending illegal immigration in the galaxy. Strange evil creatures from the Mesican Galaxy would often jump the great barrier at the edge of the galaxy in order to find a better life, but they were stealing Jesus's tax dollars so he would have nothing of it. He made it his life's mission to end this threat to stability.
Powers and abilities
Like all heroes, Jesus was all powerful. He mastered the Force, so much so that he even created his own type of Force: the Force of Others. This all powerful binding energy field came equipped with SHOOP DA WHOOP powers, and he could fire the Force of Others using this power. As you can probably imagine, he killed pretty much anything with this.
Behind the scenes
Jesus Patrick Bach was created by the President of the United States, Brandon Rhea, and is likely one of the greatest creations known to man. Rhea doesn't mean to toot his own horn, but he's a pretty damn good writer. He would not have gotten to where he is on the internet and, more importantly, real life if he wasn't. Anyone who disagrees with this can go straight to hell, because his names include God, God of Charm, God of Star Wars, and Adena's Slave.
Now all of you, especially you damn Russians, need to take note of something. Rhea will NOT tolerate any laughing, comments, poking, prodding, or intercourse suggestions when it comes to Jesus's love, Monica. Rhea really doesn't appreciate having outcast Wookieees come onto IRC under the name MonicaLuwampa and say that they should have sex in the Lincoln Bedroom. Jesus would kill you.
