Jemima Butterworth
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| Aunt Jemima Butterworth/Darth Buttery Biscuits | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld | |
| Born | |
| Died |
Sometime before 13,040 BBY |
| Physical description | |
| Species | |
| Gender | |
| Height |
1.5 meters |
| Hair color |
Black |
| Eye color |
Brown |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Era(s) | |
| Affiliation |
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| Known masters | |
- "My syrup is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be... unnatural."
- ―Jemima Butterworth
Aunt Jemima Butterworth was an expert syrup maker living on Corellia during the Puppet Crisis. She was also better known as being the girlfriend of the very flamboyant Darth Pillsbury whom she had met during her time at the Sith Academy of Culinary Arts. Jemima struggled through many troubles throughout her life, including the dropping of an inflatable forklift on her head during pregnancy, the public embarrassment of becoming a "cheat" on Iron Chef: Sith Edition, a second public embarrassment as she found out her boyfriend was in fact a gay puff and the revelation that she never really existed in the first place. Butterworth eventually became a highly feared Sith named Darth Buttery Biscuits, a name that would cause minor panic throughout the entire galaxy for days.
Biography
Early life
Jemima Butterworth, born Aunt Jemima Butterworth, was born and raised on Haruun Kal. Her parents taught her for years how to be a good house wife, as was the tradition in her family. Instead, Jemima decided to go out and get knocked up to make the family complete. Upon doing that, Jemima's mother dropped an inflatable forklift on her head, causing the pregnoid to go into a deep coma for twelve-thousand years to come. Upon waking up, she found her water broke several thousand years ago and it was finally time to have the baby. She gave birth to three delicious triplets. Jemima decided to leave Haruun Kal and set her sights for Corellia.
Sith Academy of Culinary Arts
Upon arriving at Corellia, Jemima enrolled at the Sith Academy of Culinary Arts at which she trained for years under the teachings of Darth Baker. One of the academy's students, Darth Yeast, caught her eye. The two began dating for several years to come, up until the point of his death when a subordinate left him unrefrigerated as he molded. Jemima was saddened by the loss of her boyfriend, but quickly found a fling; Darth Slice, one of the academy's other students and "brother" to Yeast. Finally, after fifteen years of training at the academy, Jemima was now a Sith.
First mission for the Sith
Now that Jemima was a Sith, she was sent out on her first task my her master. She was to compete on Iron Chef: Sith Edition where she had to invent a brand new food. Jemima found that she was unable to think of anything clever, so she quickly gathered plywood and cut them into two by two piece squares. Then she got some burlap and cut them into two by two piece squares, as well. Jemima put them on the plywood before going to the beach where she collected shells and driftwood. When she was done, she took them and glued them to the plywood. She somehow won an award for that, created just for her original thinking. This caused much outrage in the Iron Chef and Sith communities. Darth Baker refused to train her any further.
New start
After the public embarrassment of Iron Chef: Sith Edition, Jemima opened up a masseuse parlor on Coruscant where she would knead several well-known bread and dough-based Sith. During one of her many workdays, Darth Pillsbury walked in to have his dough kneaded. Pillsbury had been one of the Sith Academy of Culinary Arts' students along with Jemima, so the two instantly hit it off. Over the next few weeks, rumors spread of a romance between Pillsbury and Jemima. Eventually, a publicist of Pillsbury confirmed the relationship. Pillsbury helped Jemima start her own syrup factory, Aunt Jemima Butterworth’s Syrup Emporium, where he remained by her side for the next several months.
Scandal
When a story was ran in an issue of Martha Stewart Living claiming Darth Pillsbury was actually married, Jemima did further investigating and found the story was indeed correct. The following day, Pillsbury held a press conference announcing the story was true. Pillsbury was using money from Aunt Jemima's syrup emporium to start his own strip club. During the same conference, he also announced he didn't have sex with "that woman". Jemima was devastated as she watched Pillsbury walk over to hug his life partner, Gunter. She became even more devastated upon watching them [CENSORED FOR THE SAKE OF HUMANITY].
Back into the Sith
The very next day, she went back to work at her syrup emporium when she was visited by her former master, Darth Baker. The Sith Master agreed to accept her back into the Sith as her anger had grown because of the Pillsbury scandal. However, she had to do further training. She finally graduated years later. At this point, she officially changed her name to Darth Buttery Biscuits, a name that would quickly spread throughout the galaxy.
Second mission for the Sith
Her next mission was to assassinate an alleged deadly woman from the past. To kill her, Jemima had to go to the past. Learning the totally super duper c00l awesome powah of Flow-walking, Jemima traveled to 13,040 BBY where she killed her own mother on the pot. Yes, that's right, she was sent to assassinate her own mother before she gave birth to Jemima. So, technically, Jemima was never even born. Yeah, sounds lame, doesn't it? Like something Star Trek would do.
Legacy
Nobody ever remembered Aunt Jemima Butterworth because she never even existed. The end.
Lightsaber
Jemima was one of the few people to ever wield the ultra-rare light rolling-pin, a weapon forged by Butterworth herself with help from Jesus Patrick Bach. The weapon was as sacred as the Pig'ari to many Jemima fanboys, who would later push for a canceled Jemima Butterworth porno entitled "Big Rolling-pins in Small Crevices" to be released.
Behind the scenes
- Many were outraged when Aunt Jemima Butterworth was retconned to have never even existed. One fan of Jemima, <insert name here> said, "WUT??? JEMIMA NEVR EXISTED??? BUT SHE WUZ TEH GREATEST SITH EVR!!!" Despite this, the uber-fans of Jemima have no lives anyway, so it doesn't really matter.
- Jemima Butterworth is also known as being one of the very few Sith to never destroy a planet. I'm serious. She never destroyed a planet. I just... I just don't get it... **sigh**
Appearances
- Cookers of Evil
- The Face of Idiocy: A Book About that White Blob
- Aunt Jemima Butterworth and the Syrup Factory
- Big Rolling-pins in Small Crevices (cancelled)
