Jabba Desilijic Tiure
| |
| Jabba Desilijic Tiure | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld | |
| Born |
He is tooo old and fat |
| Died |
On the khettana blows up |
| Physical description | |
| Species | |
| Gender | |
| Eye color |
Big, googly |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Affiliation |
Asshat |
- «Looks like shit. Smells like shit. Tastes like shit. Good thing we didn't step in it.»
- ―Jawas scavenging the wreckage of the Khetanna
Jabba Desilijic Tiure, also known as Jabba the Hutt or sometimes Big fat sack of horse shit, was a fat piece of shit who spent most of his days lounging around in his palace watching nimble Twi'leks gyrate and dance, amongst other things that only a pervert would be interested in. Contrary to Rebel propaganda, he was not choked to death by Princess Leia. Instead, he choked on a sizable chunk of Frog fillet in his Jawa juice sauce which had lodged in his throat. Likewise, contrary to Rebel propaganda, Princess Leia did not destroy his sail barge. It was, in fact, the explosion of Jabba's flatulence.
Early Life
When Jabba was born, he showed his love to his parents by shitting all over them, as is Hutt custom. He then ate his parents, the doctor who delivered him, several nurses and 1000 (perhaps more, we may never know) bean and rice burritos. He then went to visit his grandfather at his empire, eating everything in sight.(and everybody too)
Criminal Empire
Several hundred years later (damn, he lived looooooonng) he attended the Boonta Eve classic, though he didn't watch it, he just fell asleep and pissed all over the front row. His male Twi'lek Bib Fortuna had to wake him up at the end.
For some reason or another, this gave him the idea of starting a ridiculously large criminal empire. Many criminals at the time thought this was a good idea.
The criminal empire ranged all around the world, and would ship spice to all corners of the galaxy.
Its headquarters was Jabba's Palace.
Events Leading to his death
He received a gift from Luke Skywalker, which contained two droids and a giant bean burrito. Then, well here's the short version: He tried to feed Luke to the Rancor, put Leia in the sexiest outfit ever, and got blown up!
Legacy and Contribution to Society
However, as Jabba proves in his earlier life, he was more than just a fat piece of shit. During his brief tenure at UCLA he was able to find a cure for male ED and his paper on theoretical asstrophysics (not misspelled) one him the consideration for a Nobel prize. Unfortunately for him, Asstophysics is not real science and he was laughed out of academia.
Upon returning to a Galaxy Far, Far Away, Jabba settled on the birth place of all things whiny (a.k.a. Luke and Annie), where he started a shelter for homeless female Twi'leks who could not afford to buy proper clothing. Unfortunately, his constant exposure to Twi'lek dance moves and Bith psychedelic acid tests led him down the mob-boss path.
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