Imperial Security Bureau

The Imperial Security Bureau (ISB) was one of several government departments within the Galactic Empire dedicated to the preservation of order and perpetration of outright nastiness. Although a branch of the Commission for the Preservation of the New Order (COMPNOR), it was autonomous. It was responsible for gathering intelligence, dispensing intelligence, disregarding intelligence, lacking intelligence, and ensuring many Bothans died to bring us this information.

History

Origins and Growth

First formed in the months before the Clone Wars as a reorganization of Republic intelligence agencies, ISB, then under name of the Republic Security Bureau (RSB), was the brainchild of Armand Isard, who pawned it to Buck Rogers before going off to create Imperial Intelligence. Its purpose was the same as that of Republic Intelligence: to consolidate the existing collection of departmental acronyms into one, thus ending quarrels between rival departments over seating arrangements at public functions. Among those united were BBC, LSD, IHOP, FUBAR, and KFC. As implied, some acronymic organizations avoided absorption: Republic Intelligence (RI) survived to become Imperial Intelligence (II), as did the Republic Anti Civil Liberties Union (RACLU), which became the IACLU.

Upon the consolidation’s success, Chancellor Palpatine ordered Rogers to “do something intelligent” with RSB/ISB. Rogers did, using it to investigate the financial records of the InterGalactic Banking Clan (IBC). Soon, RSB/ISB agents and operatives had fabricated evidence of corporate theft of profits from IBC’s popular root beer production line. When an RSB/ISB officer leaked this news to the media, IBC stocks plummeted. As a result, IBC drifted into the Separatist camp. Palpatine, however, was impressed, and he authorized RSB/ISB continuation.

During the Clone Wars, RSB/ISB worked alongside Republic Intelligence (RI) to provide intelligence on the Confederacy of Independent Systems (CIS) to the Grand Army of the Republic (GAR). It also provided police troops to augment the Republic Police Force (RPF) in efforts to arrest, torture, and execute innocent civilians who had the misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. On the home front, RSB/ISB operatives clamped down on radical minorities, like the Nabooboo, who demanded such unpatriotic, treasonous acts as negotiating with the CIS. But RSB/ISB’s most spectacular wartime accomplishments were covert, and therefore unknown to the public: the instigations of the Yoda vs. Yaddle and Windu vs. Department of Interior Decoration court cases.

Apogee and Decline

Upon the Declaration of the New Order, RSB was renamed ISB, and was subordinated to the board of grizzled old farts who ran the Commission for the Preservation of the New Order (COMPNOR). Nevertheless, throughout the reign of the Empire, ISB was second only in size and influence to it. But COMPNOR control was nominal: it was also responsible for public relations initiatives, such as feeding Gungans to carnivorous Banthas), thus dividing its assets. ISB retained dominance in the intelligence field. Imperial Intelligence (renamed from Republic Intelligence) was a rival; however, the overabundance of intellectuals on its board of directors meant that, despite its name, the organization as a whole was unintelligent.

ISB reached its greatest power when Moff Maria Von Trapp seized control from her father, in an attempt to imitate her arch-rival, Ysanne Isard of Imperial Intelligence. A woman obsessed with “reaching personal fulfillment through a career,” Von Trapp sought to expand ISB into the realm of politics. This move brought the whole organization into conflict with COMPNOR, whose directors, with standard Imperial sexism, considered Von Trapp a “diapers-clad infant baboon” who sought compensation for the fact she “was born with a pair of cancerous tumors on her chest.” Von Trapp’s attempt to focus ISB efforts against COMPNOR was unsuccessful. It did, however, provide the Emperor with a bundle of laughs, and a fistful of credits won from betting on the outcome with Prince Xizor.

When Palpatine died at Endor, ISB began its long, slow decline. Von Trapp sought to forestall this seizing power, ruling as Emperor, but without the masculine title and without the accouterments, namely snappy black robes. It didn’t work: Isard beat her to it. Moreover, huge swathes of territory seceded after the attempt, citing ISB integration with the political structure under the name of ‘’’Imperial Security Bureau Commission for the Preservation of the Commission for the Preservation of the New Order’’’ (ISBCOMPCOMPNOR) as the reason. The real reason was that Von Trapp had become a chain smoker who no longer had a good singing voice, and who spent all of ISB’s time and resources trying to get the B’omarr Monks to “solve a problem like Maria.” Also, the acronym was too long to remember.

ISB survived the ensuing decade of disaster to become an official department of the Imperial Remnant at Bastion. With its resources exhausted, it resorted to hiring talkative old ladies who live next door as agents. Most of its reports began with: “My Aunt Edna heard that Mr. Fifer’s granddaughter’s best friend’s cousin’s turtle’s husband’s pet bantha said....”

Role

As its name implied, ISB was responsible for the Empire’s security, both inside the outside and outside the inside of its borders. To this end, intelligence gathering operations were continually launched, and agents and operatives were scattered throughout the galaxy. Their missions were kept secret from one another, often causing embarrassing accidents when agents in the field met each other and killed each other for knowing too much. Such occurrences were very common during the last half of the Galactic Civil War.

ISB was also responsible for morale within the Imperial military, a job it shared with COMPNOR and Uncle Mickey’s Happy Blaster Day Initiative (UMHBD). ISB accomplished this through a sub-department named the Imperial Commission for Personnel’s Emotional Optimism (ICPEO).

Organization

Reflecting its multiple roles, ISB had multiple branches. The opinion of outsiders was that the ISB command structure resembled "a big alien vegetable with a smoothbore shotgun." The meaning of this is unknown, however. ISB departmental organization was as follows:

• Board of Directors
  • Bored of Directors
    • Beard of Directors
  • Board of Conductors
    • Department of Twelve-piece Big Band Ensemble (DTPBBE)
  • Department of Intelligence Gathering (DIG)
  • Department of Surveillance (DS)
  • Department of Intelligence (DI)
    • Department of Intelligence Gathering (DIG)
    • Department of Intelligence Distorting (DID)
    • Department of Intelligence Scattering (DIS)
    • Department of Intelligence Misplacing (DIM)
  • Department of IHOP (IHOP)
  • Department of KFC (KFC)
  • Commission for Personnel’s Emotional Optimism (ICPEO)
  • Commission for Planetary Destruction (ICPD)
    • Sesame Street Observation Team (SSOT)
  • Commission for Extermination of People with Bad Feelings about This (COMPBFT)
  • Initiative for Fresh Linens aboard Star Destroyers (IFLASD)

Branches

Board of Directors

The Board of Directors was the controlling authority of ISB. In order to make unanimous votes possible, it was composed of just one director, called the Executive Director.

Bored of Directors

The Bored of Directors was where all the other directors went because they weren’t needed.

Board of Conductors

The Board of Conductors was the leadership for the department wherein musicians with German names like Beethoven and Handel and Bach, names which, being German, firmly indicated their fascist allegiance, were assigned. It was a member of this board that composed the music and lyrics of The Imperial March.

Department of Surveillance

The Department of Surveillance was a sub-organization dedicated snooping around and acquiring video and document evidence against perpetrators of Evil against the Empire. Many agents serving this department habitually used ISB resources to spy on attractive females and hot Twi'leks instead, a trend which contributed to the Empire's inability to track the Rebel Alliance.

Department of Intelligence

The Department of Intelligence was where champions of the annual Imperial spelling bee and extreme trivia challenge served the greater good by offering fascinating, but otherwise useless, trivia regarding the Galaxy.