Gonzo
 Gonzo attempting to eat a child. | |
| Gonzo | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld |
Unknown |
| Born |
After his mother |
| Died |
Before his father |
| Physical description | |
| Species | |
| Gender | |
| Height |
Tall enough |
| Hair color |
Blue |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Affiliation | |
Gonzo was the brother of Watto, Rebo, and Greedo. He was really not that great of a guy. He was also a Turd. Want to know about his sorry-ass life? Well read on. But may I warn you, you will never read a story filled with so much tragedy, heartbreak and sorrow. I suggest that you turn away immediately. Go back to the cave you crawled out from and never return to this article again.
You have been warned...
Biography
Early life
Gonzo distinguished himself early in life as the dumbest of his brothers. He had a brief stint at a university where he and his brothers formed the comedic ensemble The Max Bros.. While Watto, Greedo and Rebo were known for offending college professors and the physically handicapped with their roles, Gonzo was famous for his racially and ethnically offensive roles. He would often star as a bizarre mixed-marriage love-child with a terrible Wookiee accent.
Unable to get a job because of his offensive acting, Gonzo sought refuge in the only place hospitable to deviants of his kind: the Mos Eisley cantina. High on cheap blue milk he decided it was a good idea to try and sell the stuff to Imperial stormtroopers and was soon arrested.
Working for Kermit
After a brief time in jail, Gonzo resumed his role as a burden to society by trying to peddle frog and Wookiee porn. It was in this capacity that he met Kermit and was hired on the spot to be his bodyguard. Gonzo spent many wonderful years guarding Kermit until one day Kermit stole from him the love of his life, Miss Piggy, the Gamorrean Queen. As Kermit wed Piggy, Gonzo secretly plotted his revenge on the frog. After several months of plotting against the frog, Gonzo's plan was ready. Paying HK-47 five credits, the bodyguard was ready to take over where Kermit was to leave off. "Tragically", HK-47 found Kermit in bed with Miss Piggy and used a vibroblade to make frog legs. Kermit became one with the Force.
Coming back to work the next day, Gonzo was to then comfort the ailing Piggy. The Gamorrean Queen thwarted Gonzo's plan, bashing him over the head with her own hooves. Things got worse when Gonzo attempted to sweet talk Miss Piggy, saying, "hey pork chop, did you fart? Because you blow me away!" In response to the bodyguard's sweet talking, the pig knocked Gonzo unconscious using her collectible Dwight Schrute bobblehead (only $19 U.S. on the online NBC Universal Store! BUY IT BEFORE IT SELLS OUT AGAIN!!!). Believing Gonzo was in fact dead, Piggy continued on with her day as Gonzo laid across the kitchen floor of Piggy's palace for six hours to come.
After waking up, Gonzo left the palace and tried to drown his sorrows by joining the intergalactic party circuit.
Transformation
The morning after Lando's Super Carbonite Rave Party, Gonzo found himself lying next to a dead MANDALORIAN male escort. He promptly stole the escort's passport and went into hiding on the MANDALORIAN homeworld.
Gonzo then stole Gonzo's identity. This changed his name from Gonzo to Gonzo. This was a very important part of his life story, as it would change his life forever. Gonzo's transformation into Gonzo was now complete.
Gonzo's last stand
Gonzo tried to make a living in the MANDALORIAN underworld by hosting secret book-readings of his brother's book, A Guide to Mandalorian Relations, but this proved to be his downfall as he was soon discovered by a group of Wookiee tourists who wanted him to host an interactive session. Faced with the prospect of mass Wookiee-Nookie or death, Gonzo opted to end his own life.
Legacy
Gonzo has become somewhat of an icon to racial bigots across the galaxy. The underground holomovie circuit is flush with movies about his last stand where he is portrayed heroically, such as I Choose to Wook the Other Way and How Many Frogs Does it Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?.
See also
- Dearth Nadir, someone who looked much like him and shared the same name as well as his hatred for Kermit, but was a completely different character.
