Drawkcab H'trad
| |
| Darth Judas | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld |
Israel |
| Born |
Yes |
| Died | |
| Physical description | |
| Species |
Jewish |
| Gender |
Male |
| Hair color |
Hair Disorder |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Affiliation | |
| Known masters | |
- "Say Shalom to my little friends!"
- ―H'trad, to Jesus, referring to Roman Stormtroopers
Drawkcab Boris Edward Travis Roger Yusav Arthur Lector H'trad later renamed Darth Judas was a minor Sith Underlord during the time of the Jedi Knight Jesus Christ. He was born on the planet Isreal to parents Steve Perry and Perry's creation Guri. His parents had high expectations for him until he failed out of pre-school. He was then sent to the Sith Academy where he trained with Darth Generic. But he pretty much sucked at that after he was found smoking Weed in an empty classroom with Generic. Angry his parents sent him to an old friend and Sith Overlord, Darth Awesome to be whipped in to shape. He was. Darth Awesome had a four inch thick whip, hurts like shit. He was then sent to kill Jedi Master Jesus Christ to redeem his pretty much pointless life so far.
Killing Jesus
- "The bastard raped my sister."
- ―H'trad testifying against Jesus
H'trad was sent to kill Jesus by his master, Darth Awesome . Jesus had discovered the mystical planet of Earth. Awesome thought the planet was to some matter of importance and didn't want the Jedi to have claim to the planet, so he sent his apprentice H'trad to kill Jesus and claim the planet for the Sith. H'trad infiltrated Jesus's ranks by becoming a joint-peddler who was welcomed into the group as long as he provided them with free smokes. Jesus taught the ways of the Jedi to the people of Earth and H'trad had to stop him. Using mind tricks he was taught as a Sith, he turned the leaders of the known Earth against Jesus. Using a signal (Flipping Jesus off after Jesus offered him bread), H'trad sicced Roman Stormtroopers on the Jedi teacher. After a torture session Jesus was sent off to a trial where H'trad testified against Jesus stating that Jesus "raped my sister" and "killed my parents". Jesus was sentenced to crucifiction by the barbarians Earth People to the glee of H'trad.
Unknown to H'trad, Jesus used a mind trick to make everyone think he was dead, but he really escaped and opened a wormhole that brought him back to Coruscant. And H'trad being the idiot he was, got high, and didn't realize that Jesus was escaping.
Returning Home
When H'trad returned to his master, Darth Awesome, he was honored with a party and a Darth name, Darth Judas. He was also given his first lightsaber (they couldn't trust him with one before), which he then stabbed his cousin with after a few gallons of vodka. His lightsaber was promptly taken away from him and he was stripped of his darth name. Pissed off, H'trad started his own Sith Empire that consisted of a tree and two rocks. H'trad, not wanted to be tracked by his parents, who he believed were searching for him when they were really just partying now that there loser son was gone, he wrote his name on a piece of paper and put it in a mirror and read it, "Darth Backward". And, lo, Darth Backward was born.
Darth Backward
Starting a Sith Empire was harder than Backward thought, so he decided to start a Sith Academy in the alley way behind Darth Awesome's Sith Academy. Location, location, location you dumbass. Anyway, Backward tried to recruit his old friend, Darth Generic, to teach at the school, but Generic had committed suicide to try and get himself noticed and, well he died. No one noticed. So, Backward recruited a squirrel and a grasshopper as students, but the grasshopper was eaten by the squirrel during the first lesson. Backward, proud of his only pupil, lead a raid on the other Sith Academy's fridge, but the squirrel fled after one of the Academy's pupils charged the two. Backward was alone and tried to fend off the lightsaber-wielding Sith with his fists. It didn't work. Backward died.
Funeral?
Instead of his funeral, Backward's parents celebrated his death with two thousand of their closest friends. Backward's body was burned and chucked off a cliff. A pointless end to a pointless life.
Legacy
Most of the "UFO"s claimed to be seen by humans since the time of Jesus are really Jedi-intelligence ships searching for more information on the mysterious planet Earth. One day, a few years after Jesus and H'trad had left Earth, one of the ships crashed near Jeruselum where Doc was staying. Now being the smartest one, Doc realized it wasn't a message from God, it was something else. When Doc arrived at the ship he found four dead men dressed and the same clothes that Jesus had worn when he first arrived on Earth. Doc searched the strange "rock" and found thunder sticks and lightning swords that he hid from his fellow Earthlings. He also found a "Bible" that only contained stories about Jesus. Doc realized that it was written in the same way that Jesus would teach "Hebrew". Doc translated it and brought it to his fellow cabal. He read the stories to his friends and when he got to Jesus' death in the book, he was confused. The book called H'trad, Darth Judas. Not knowing what Darth meant they named H'trad Judas.
Appearances
- The Bible
- Star Wars Episode XIV: A New Galaxy
- A Guide to the Star Wars Universe, Second Edition {Cut content}
