Diane Vader
| |
| Diane Vader | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld |
Korriban |
| Born |
to fanboys screaming her name |
| Died |
highly unlikely |
| Physical description | |
| Species |
human |
| Gender |
Female |
| Height |
tall |
| Hair color |
auburn |
| Eye color |
brown |
| Cybernetics |
it isn't genetic, you know |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Era(s) | |
| Affiliation |
|
| Known masters |
you wish |
| Known apprentices | |
- Jedi: "Yo Mama is so fat and ugly..."
- Darth Vader: "'This is my mother, you dimwit!"
- Jedi: "Whoa... that hot chick is your mom?"
- Darth Vader: "Yeah, I get that a lot."
- ―A Jedi and Darth Vader having a conversation about Diane Vader
Diane Vader was a Sith Mega-Super-Overlord who was the mother of the famous and awesome Darth Vader. Many fanboys, upon discovering that Darth Vader had a mom, went searching for her on the Internet. When they found Diane's picture they immediately had an intense desire to become Darth Vader's new stepfather. Back off, boys. She will Destroy your planet if you make any serious advances. Money, of course, is always welcome. So is dark chocolate. Preferably Italian, though Swiss works as well. Just no nuts, she hates nuts.
Diane was born on Korriban to Sam and Madeline Vader. She was often buying discount clothes at Darth-Mart while men stared at her, Aayla Secura temporarily gone from their minds. Many men asked her out, but she was too busy studying to apply to the top Sith college, Darthvard. Of course she was accepted. There she met the Sith college student Palpatine, who actually looked half-way decent at the time (remember, this was before all that plastic surgery). After they had an accidental kiss at a party Palpatine had developed an enormous crush on the beautiful Diane. After he kidnapped proposed to her, she thought she could add more to his life so she accepted. They had a son, Darth Vader. When Diane found her husband having relations with his young apprentice Darth Maul she left him, raising her son by herself on a Death Star. Her son was a moody teenager who was never had a life despite all she tried to do. Finally she couldn't take it any more and had his lousy father Palpatine train him.
Some jealous woman named Shmi Skywalker was upset that she couldn't birth anyone so cool as Darth Vader and instead had a whiny hippie, Anakin Skywalker. Even the story about the midi-chlorians wasn't enough to make anyone care. So she, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Diane's jealous lover, and Luke Skywalker, her other jealous lover, set up a scheme that had Anakin Skywalker as Darth Vader. Shmi got her fame, but Diane was cast into shadows. But at least now you know the truth. For more truth, press the scroll button on your keyboard, or press 1 for more options.
Biography
Early Life
- "Sigh..... Hello and welcome to Darth-Mart, I bid you Darth...no, not another paper cut!"
- ―Diane, as an apprentice of Darth-Mart
Diane was born on Korriban to Sam and Madeline Vader already a powerful Sith. The legacy of her family through her father Sam could be traced thousands of years to Darth Bane, the famous founder of Darth-Mart. Obviously, her parents made her work in the family business every day after school. Diane hated the way she had to say the same things over and over, hated getting paper cuts, and most of all hated how men would swarm around her. All this made Diane decide she was not going to be CEO of Darth-Mart like her father, but instead would apply to Darthvard and hopefully become a successful Sith Mega-Super-Overlord after she was done with college.
Palpatine
Meeting Palpatine
- "From the moment I kissed you all those years ago, not a day goes by when I haven't spied on you in your room with my high-powered telescope. And now that I've finally gagged you and tied you to a chair.... I'm in agony. Diane.... will you marry me?"
- ―The way Palpatine finally won Diane's heart
Diane was accepted into Darthvard college with sly looks between her legs from the Dean, who she Force choked just so he got the message. She was a top student and earned straight A+s from her female teachers and straight A++++s from her male teachers. Everyone liked Diane and always wanted to be her friend. She was destined for greatness from her first two minutes there onward.
One day a friend invited her to a Sith college party, which is like a college party, but everyone does much more damage when they get drunk. She accepted. Typical of most college parties, when everyone got drunk they started doing things they normally wouldn't do. So when the extremely drunk Palpatine kissed the extremely drunk Diane, she didn't smack him. In fact, she kind of liked it. Which makes you wonder what was in that Corellian Ale she had.... really.
Anyway, there was an immediate but brief attraction between the two that was gone when Diane recovered from her hangover. But Palpatine was persistent, stalking her whenever he thought she wasn't watching, or when he knew she was because he just liked looking at her. Well, you can't say he didn't have taste.
When it was obvious she wanted nothing to do with him, Palpatine had the bright idea of kidnapping her until she was forced to like him. Diane was scared for Palpatine's sanity, but attracted by his desperation. Finally she decided that he wouldn't be that bad of a husband if she coaxed him back to sanity, so when he popped the question she didn't step on him and they were officially married.
Darth Ruptus interrupts
Yo, Diane, I'm really happy for you, Ima let you finish, but Beyoncé has one of the best videos of all time! The best videos of all time!
Declining Feelings
- Diane: "Darth!? You're naming him Darth? What kind of idiotic name is that?"
- Palpatine: "What? Do you have any better ideas?"
- Diane: "James.... or Timothy... but Darth? Do you know how that's going to look on his birth certificate? Naming him after a Sith title! What are you thinking?"
- Palpatine: "Ah, quit nagging me, you old lady."
- ―The name debacle that started the less-than-cordial-feelings Diane and Palpatine shared for each other
When they graduated, the new married couple decided to move to Tatooine. Well, they didn't really have a choice. Palpy didn't pay off his student loans so the agency was looking for him. Wary of the ten million credit bounty Palpatine had on his head, they had to go to Tatooine to evade their pursuers. You thought this was optional? No one ever goes to Tatooine if they can help it.
Three years into their marriage, Diane gave birth to a son she named James but Palpatine called Darth. They got into a whole argument about the name, but Diane won, so the birth certificate read James Darth Vader Palpatine, which pleased neither of them. To make him feel better, Diane called him Darth but Palpatine was too moody to care. Little did Diane know that he had started a relationship with someone else that would be the undoing of their marriage.
The Horrible Truth
- "Oh Palpy....Palpy, Palpy, Palpy...."
- ―Diane just before she used every deadly Force power known to Sith on her husband
One day Diane was doing the dishes when she heard a series of funny noises coming up from the attic. When she came to investigate, she found her husband doing IT with his apprentice Darth Maul. Force-pushing Maul out the window, she Force lightninged, Force choked, Force hurled, Force fried, and did basically employed every deadly Force power known to Sith on Palpy, which took most of the day. Yes, now you know why Palpatine wanted plastic surgery. That visage he has now looks like heaven compared to the one Diane left him with.
Not wanting to leave her son behind with a guy who can't even get his name right, Diane took her son with her, dropping the Palpatine so he was just James Darth Vader. Using her pension she got working Darth-Mart to buy a Death Star, she traveled far, far away from Tatooine, cursing Palpatine and wondering why she just couldn't have killed him and put him out of his misery.
Training Vader
- Darth Vader: "Why do I have to fold up laundry if I'm going to be a Sith?"
- Diane: "Folding laundry builds character!"
- — One of the common exchanges Diane Vader had with her son, James Darth
Diane trained her son as an apprentice from birth on a Death Star. When he was old enough, she made him take out the trash, and help her do the laundry. What Vader really didn't get is what these things had to do with being a Sith, but Diane made him do it anyway. Often when he was good she let him know what being a Sith was really like and took him on planet destroying sprees. Darth Vader developed a fetish for this that lasted throughout his entire life.
Diane also taught Vader lightsaber combat, which Vader grew so good at even Palpatine was slightly afraid of him in one-on-one combat. He was no match for Diane though. Vader never told anyone that his mother beat him at every sparring session no matter how hard he tried, because that would be embarrassing, right?
Diane showed lots of concern over her son's personal life. She set him up on several blind dates with good women that Vader liked, including Sylvana Zen who especially caught his interest. Sylvana caught other people's interest too, including some geek's named <insert name here>, but only Darth Vader truly won her.
When Vader was in his 20s Diane had to give him up after the following conversation:
- Diane: "Let me get this straight... you were jealous of Darth Malak's metal jaw so you dumped hot oatmeal all over yourself to get a life-sustaining suit?"
- Darth Vader: "Yeah, so?"
- Diane: "Go to your room, young man! And take a bath! You're grounded for two weeks!"
- Darth Vader: "But mom...."
- ―Diane and her son, about the Oatmeal Incident
Vader spilled hot oatmeal all over himself in order to get a life-sustaining suit. Unfortunately, that stupid idiot didn't think about who was going to pay for that suit, did he? Diane's Darth-Mart pension didn't cover enough to get him the suit. However, she heard Palpatine was loaded after becoming the Emperor of some galaxy. He could pay for it. So she called her ex-husband up and asked him if he could. Palpatine agreed, but she'd have to bring her son to him and let him be his apprentice. Diane complied grudgingly, knowing it would be the last time she'd be seeing her son. Pulling her son away from her, she dragged him up to Palpatine's office on Coruscant, where he became the well known Darth Vader of today. Diane had a quiet celebration for something she thought would never come: she was a single woman without a kid again!
Relationship with Darth Ipedia
- Darth Ipedia: "So, how long have you been Darth Vader's mother?"
- Diane: "Almost 26 years, actually...."
- — Darth Ipedia and Diane, having a romantic candlelight dinner
While aboard her Death Star, Diane met a young Sith Underlord named Darth Ipedia. Seeing his lack of Force power, she informally trained him as her apprentice. While in her 50s, she still looked hot and Darth Ipedia was strongly attracted to her. He attempted to make some advancements toward her, but she thankfully beat him down. Still, the attraction remained.
When Darth Ipedia died at the hands of the much more awesome Sith Darth Awesome his will was uncovered. Apparently he had left Diane with an admin post at his pet project web site Darthipedia... as well as all his clothes, which she donated to charity (no one bought these because he never washed them). So today the mother of Darth Vader sits at home, typing away at her computer, editing an idiotic fanboy wiki. Indeed, we actually do have a female Dathipedian, isn't that surprising? Like I said, no serious advancements unless you don't care about the safety of your planet. Just keep sending in those chocolates. Remember, no nuts.
