Derek J. Reda
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| Derek J. Reda | |
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Author |
Derek J. Reda is the author of the acclaimed Bib Fortuna and the Rise of the Dark Falls.
He is also, incidentally, the first person to successfully lobotomize himself with a spoon. Twice, and the son of Karen Traviss[1]
Ever seen Reda and George Lucas together? We haven't, either. Clearly, Lucas is trying to hide the publication of Dark Falls!
Personal History
Derek J. Reda was just your average self-lobotomized Swedish/Slovakian amphibian -- until he discovered his peculiar gift for lyric prose.
Armed with a poetic license and metaphors so purple they verged on ultraviolet, Reda proceeded to dazzle the fan-fiction community with his innovative rewrites of existing series, all of which revolved around "some sort of Viper".
Reda was briefly indicted for the death of FanFiction.net administrator V.V. O'Reilly, who hanged himself on his internet cord after perusing one of Reda's vignettes. Prosecution argued that Derek J. Reda should be charged with literary manslaughter, but the author was subsequently acquitted; after all, as Kansas Senior Circuit Judge so aptly declared, "You can't blame the man for the impulses his fiction instilled in the readers. On second thought, the character of Mikey is a complete Mary Sue, but still."
Complaining that he had been "incessantly antagonized on the basis of thoroughly ridiculous claims", Reda retired from the fanfic community, and, indeed, mainstream society on the whole: he quit his job, sold his home, and moved to California to "eschew these hard, metal homes that men so arrogantly build themselves, these cold intrusions upon Nature, and seek a more Natural habitat in accordance with the Primordial wellbeing of man; to pursue, in short, the delicious, soulful harmony of vast, titanic branches bas-relieved on a sky of leaden consistency, the branches of which dendrological titans are interspersed with the ripe delicacy of ferns that arc like the crest of a mounting wave." He was subsequently evicted from Muir Woods by the Forest Service, who assured him that the Endor sets had been torn down years ago, and that no, the Bill of Rights does not guarantee the right of squaters to inhabit National Monuments.
Thoroughly perturbed "even to the depths of my soul", Reda attempted to continue his Naturalist lifestyle in nearby San Francisco. He was briefly jailed for indecent exposure. Eventually granted internet access for good behavior, he spent a record-breaking forty-eight hours spamming the StarWars.com Books, Comics, and Television Forum with his demands that LucasFilm Licensing appoint him sole Expanded Universe author. By way of justification of his talents, Reda insisted, "d00d im so much better than ne eu author i meen kja rights like a amature lol!" Upon his inevitable ban, he proceeded to inundate the moderated Feedback Forum with allegation of violations of his Natural Rights, speculations about the ancestry of the offending moderator, et cetera. None of his posts were approved, a fact which he repeatedly cited as evidence of "mod tyranny" during his subsequent posts. Interviewed by a fringe board, Reda would later recall, "Gee whiz, you would not believe how paranoid the moderation is on [the official site]. I mean, I ask politely, and they permaban me. Sheesh. I am under the distinct impression that all of these anti-fan epithets -- "troll", "spammer", "Talifan", you know -- have been invented by insecure authors to insulate themselves from the reality of their own problems." Upon his release from prison, Reda continued his quest to become an officially sanctified Star Wars author. After bombarding LucasFilm Limited with forty thousand identically worded requests to "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME BE THE NEW STAR WARS AUTHOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (all in point-seventy Slasher font printed on hot pink paper), Reda finally earned the attention of George Lucas, who decided to get rid of the man by publishing a limited run of his novel, Bib Fortuna and the Rise of the Dark Falls.
The novel, officially relegated to a very special Canonical category all its own ("Let's just call it VS-Canon and not talk about it anymore, okay?" commented Holocron Keeper Leland Chee) follows the political exploits of Bib Fortuna. A scheduled review of the book (to have been published in Publisher's Weekly) was canceled when the reviewer succumbed to insanity and embarked on a five-state killing spree, bashing in the heads of his victims with his hardcover edition of Dark Falls. In light of this decidedly negative publicity, LucasBooks pulled the novel; questioned about the incident, marketing manager Fritz O'Harris declared innocently, "Why, I have not the foggiest what you're talking about. LucasBooks has always denied the existence of this alleged "Derek J. Reda", and we continue to deny --". The denial, alas, was interrupted (and basically invalidated) when a nude Reda leapt from the crowd screaming obscenities and attempted to crush O'Harris under his own podium.
Detained for aggravated assault, Reda managed to escape into the backwoods of coastal California. There he remained, alone except for the company of his laptop, Pookie.
In exile, Reda nevertheless managed an impressively prolific career of Wikipedia vandalism, habitually inserting himself into Wookieepedia on April Fool's day, until he was finally fatally bitten by some sort of Viper.
Awards
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This user helped promote the article Bib Fortuna and the Rise of the Dark Falls to an Article of Eviltude. |
notes and references
