Declaration of the New Order

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"I love democracy! And tyranny...and theocracy...and anarchy...and bantha jerky sandwiches..."
―Palpatine in a speech to the Republic Pre-Imperial Senate

The Declaration of the New Order was the founding document of the Galactic Empire. It was written on the backs of several fast-food receipts by the then-Supreme Chancellor Palpatine during an extra boring session of the Republic Senate Pre-Imperial Senate in the 1000th Year after Ruusan 1st Year of the Galactic Empire. Until the end of the Galactic Civil War Revolt of the Rebel Scum and the Liberation Conquest of Coruscant it was enshrined in the Republic Imperial Museum of Culture, if anyone in the Empire actually had any...I mean Palpatine could draw cartoon butterflies but that was about it...

The Text

Preamble

When in the course of sentient Human events, it becomes possible for one people ring to rule them all Sith Lord to dissolve the political bands which have bound them to a populace unworthy of basic civil rights, and to assume the POWAH! unlimited POWAH! of the Sith to which Martial Law and ME!!! entitle them... Secretary Pampy? Are you taking this down? ...servitude and eternal oppression the opinions of POWAH! unlimited POWAH! requires that I should damn well do as I wish! Shove that in your hookah and smoke it, Jedi!

Plans of Eviltude

When we I the people Sith wields POWAH, Unlimited POWAH, I shall use it for EEEEEVILLL and DARKNESS because I am EEEEVILLL. With POWAH! Unlimited Powah! At my side, I shall—

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Warning: The following section is an interruption brought about by an emotional outburst by Darth Ruptus. Darth Ruptus has been drinking heavily during the writing of this article and now refuses to sit quietly and continue reading. Everything said in this section is the personal opinion of Darth Ruptus and is not considered canon.

Yo Palpatine, I'm really happy for you, and I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyoncé has one of the best declarations of all time!. The best of all time!

The interruption of Darth Ruptus ends here.

—liberate the people from the burden of their miserable lives. All Rebel Alliance people that are a pain in my backside will be zapped with my POWAH!

Imperialization Act

We I, the people person of the First Galactic EMPIAH, in order to establish a new and perfect ORDAH, which means whatever the hell I feel like, hereby establish the Act of IMPERIALIZATION. Imperialization will be facilitated via the liberation exploitation of former-Separatist worlds, and the peaceful EVIL and POWAHFUL placement of Imperial troops on all worlds of da GALAXY in order to properly facilitate the process of converting it into my bitch.

Postamble

And when the day comes that a fat man shall crash into my Death Star, let it be known that he shall be made to know my POWAH! UNLIMITED POWAH! And also let it be known that everything goes as I have foreseen, even when I haven't foreseen it. And it shall come to pass that a Wormie shall rise, and I shall zap him full of lightening because I want to, and I shall deal most harshly with his insignificant rebellion of scum.

This is the Declaration of POWAH! UNLIMITED POWAH! Made by Supreme Chancellor Emperor Palpatine the First only Emperor of the Republic Galactic Empire.

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Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Declaration of a New Order.

Appearances

  • Mein Cramp
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