Darth Sorrow

Darth Sorrow
Biographical information
Homeworld	Some forest moon full of teddies
Born	He's a kriffing mountain
Died	See above
Physical description
Species	Mountain
Gender	None -- displayed both male and female and whimpering adolescent Jedi characteristics
Height	As mountain-Very tall After erosion-Slightly less tall While on human body-Not so high
Hair color	See birth
Eye color	See birth
Chronological and political information
Era(s)	Rise of the Sadness Era
Affiliation	Mountain Guild Association of Rocky beings with feelings of depression Great Sith Family Legions of fish
Known masters	Darth Obvious
Known apprentices	Darth Ackbar

[Source]

"I cry, therefore I am."

―Darth Sorrow

Darth Sorrow was a mountain Sith Mega-Super-Overlord. Emotionally unstable for a large portion of his life, Darth Sorrow was a master lightsaber user, and used Form VIII: Crush-u, also known as the way of the Ding-bat, drawing on his inner sadness to blast his adversaries to oblivion. With a midi-chlorian count of over 60,000,000, Darth Sorrow was one of the most powerful bad guys ever to rule the Galaxy.

However, he was not always evil. Born with a name unpronounceable to other species, Sorrow lived a happy youth on his native Endor, playing with Ewoks and Yuzzums. However, tragedy struck in 4 ABY, when the Empire decided to build a road through Sorrow's parents. Mount Sorrow was left familyless, and very, very, very sad.

He was trained by Darth Obvious on Endor, and after being forced to kill his master, he swore a vendetta against the Empire and the Force; the two things he felt we responsible for the death of his mentors. He traveled the Galaxy in an attempt to destroy them, incurring a wild adventure, where Sorrow killed a dysfunctional family, became the leader of a bunch of fishy things, fought with an insane, quadruple lightsaber wielding Gungan Sith, gate-crashed a New Year's Party, destroyed some planets, and died.

Biography

Early Life

Darth Sorrow was a very cheerful, jolly mountain as a youngster. He played with Ewoks, stargazed with his parents, and played baseball with the other mountains. Then, in 4 ABY, the Empire arrived on Endor, and began construction on the second Death Star. Mountain range Sorrow (the family's name) was in between the Imperial base, and the local strip club. The Scout troopers were desperate to get to the club, so, after much pestering, the Empire had a tunnel built through Darth Sorrow's two parents. Their last words to him were "what the hell is happening to my stomach!?"

Sith training

Darth Sorrow mourns where his parents were once located.

Darth Sorrow underwent a massive personality transformation. His former, cheerful self was gone; replaced by a deep sense of sadness. He used all his effort to try and move, but it was unsuccessful. He cried and cried for weeks on end, drowning several Imperials in the process. Then, over fifty years later, a Sith Mega-Super Overlord arrived on Endor, looking for a new apprentice. Darth Obvious used the Force to shrink Sorrow, then transferred him onto the body of a muscular human male. He was fitted with stone armor (made with the remains of his parents) and trained in the ways of the Sith. He should have been one evil mo'fo', but he wasn't. He was still very, very, very sad.

Becoming a Sith Mega-Super Overlord

"I'm sorry, I... I really just don't feel like talking about it right now."

―Darth Sorrow

The two Sith lived on Endor for many years. Darth Obvious liked Endor because it was the perfect temperature to point out things that everyone already knew, and Sorrow liked it because he could visit the spot where his parents once stood. He eventually got used to being able to move, and mastered Form VIII: Crush-u. To use Form VIII, the user must have allowed themselves to feel depressed in the fight; he must give himself over to the sadness of battle. However, sixty nine years after the death of his parents, Sorrow learned that Darth Obvious had taken another, secret, apprentice. The two dueled, with Obvious coming just out on top. Sorrow lay on the ground, weaponless. Just as Obvious prepared to deliver the final blow, Darth Sorrow used Force cry me a river, drowning Darth Obvious. Darth Obvious' last words were: "I'm wet. I'm drowning. The sky is blue."

Darth Sorrow, now even more sad than he was before, went to Darth Obvious' house, and killed the other apprentice, Darth Fellatio, who attempted to choke him. Sorrow used Force grief to finish off Fellatio, then packed his bags, blew his nose, and left Endor for good. He was very, very, very sad at the loss of his parents and his Master. He started his own personal vendetta against the Empire and the Force; the two things which he felt were responsible for their deaths. Some kid had pretty much taken care of the Empire for him, so he set his eyes on the Jedi and the Sith. He thought that if they were wiped out the Jedi and the Sith, the Force would cease to exist. He began plotting, although he was still very, very, very sad.

The Great Sith Family

"Mohammed would never wanna come to me."

―Darth Sorrow

Sometime after leaving Endor, Sorrow heard about The Great Sith Family. He decided that joining the Sith was a good idea, he could take them down from the inside, while helping them defeat the Jedi. However, Darth Sorrow did not like the Great Sith Family. The had principles and morals and the like, things which Darth Sorrow had learned to disregard in his chronic depression. Eventually, they drove him insane. Very, very, very insane. Now, if you know someone who is very, very, very sad, and very, very, very insane, you'd want to stay away from them. One evening, the family decided to play a game of monopoly. After several hours, all Sorrow had was Dagobah (one of the two crappy brown locations). In a fit of anger, he murdered the whole family, making it look like a typical monopoly-related family row gone wrong.

Darth Ruptus interrupts

Yo, Sorrow, I'm really happy for you, Ima let you finish, but Beyoncé has one of the best videos of all time! The best videos of all time!

The Great Army of Fish

With the Sith all but defeated, Darth Sorrow turned his attention to the Jedi. Knowing he would need an army to defeat the thousands of Jedi, he began to roam the Galaxy in search of one. Eventually, he stumbled upon the desert world of Mon Calamari. The fish and squid of the planet were all almost dead—their once water-filled land had had a devastating drought, and they were very thirsty. Darth Sorrow felt they would be poor warriors, and he decided to move on. However, as he left, he saw a mountain that looked just like his mum. Overcome with grief, he cried, and cried, and cried. Over the space of a week, the planet was once again filled with water. The people of Mon Calamari pledged their allegiance to the mountainous Sith, and one of them, Darth Ackbar, became Sorrow's apprentice. The Jedi were quaking in their boots, or at least that's what Darth Sorrow liked to think. I truth, they weren't quaking at all. and they didn't have boots. Nudity had become part of the Jedi Code—after all, Jedi say they need no personal objects, and clothes are objects. And personal. Usually.

Another Sith

One fateful afternoon, Darths Sorrow and Ackbar were skipping through a field when they saw another two Sith, Darth Darth Binks and Darth Blarg. Now, although Binks's Rule of poo was a little vague as to how many Sithies were allowed, the Rule of two (self-explanatory), which Sorrow operated under, was not. The four Sith engaged each other in a massive duel. Lightsaber were buzzing around all over the place, and eventually Binks killed Darth Blarg and Darth Ackbar in an attempt to scratch his nose. Sorrow then cried Binks a river, thinking he had killed the clumsy Sith, but in truth he managed to swim away.

Massacre at the Jedi Temple

The Jedi's New Years Party wasn't exactly a raging success.

On the last day of 100 ABY, Darth Sorrow and his Legions of fish stormed the Jedi Temple on Ossus, gate-crashing the Jedi's New Year's Eve party. The Jedi were ill-prepared to deal with such an attack; many were intoxicated on a wide variety of inebriates. Sorrow and his fishy friends made light work of the Jedi, who seemed to think it was a game. When his fish needed air, Sorrow thought of his miserable life, and cried them a river. Eventually, every single Jedi lay dead on the floor. The Empire were all but defeated. Each member of the Jedi Council lay in a pool of their own blood. The Sith Family had been wiped out. Sorrow was practically victorious. Yet he was still very, very, very sad mountain, to say the least.

Weapon of Mass Destruction

Some time after being born, Darth Sorrow traveled to a Highly industrialized planet run by robots, and had a Superweapon built. The weapon had the ability to destroy planets by unleashing a wave of sadness upon each planet. Powered by Sorrow's inner depression, the weapon destroyed many, many planets in its time. However, Darth Sorrow's first moment of happiness in many many years would be its undoing. While "visiting" a mountainous planet in the Outer Rim, something strange happened to Sorrow. On the horizon, he saw a mountain shaped like his father. Just as the weapon fired, a rush of happiness filled Sorrow, and the weapon malfunctioned and backfired on Darth Sorrow, making him very, very, very happy and cheerful. He did not like this; he'd lost the ability to cope with happiness a long time before. Just minutes after the machine malfunctioned, Sorrow cut off his arms and legs in an attempt to make the giddy feeling inside him stop. In hindsight, Sorrow reckoned that was a bad decision. Not only were his limbs somewhat useful, but the very thing he was trying to make go away was what he had longed for dozens of years. Yes, a very bad decision.

Home sweet home

With his adversaries defeated, Darth Sorrow thought he would no longer feel sad. This was not the case. In a fit of unoriginality, he returned to his parents' graves. Nothing happened. THE END

Personality and traits

"Life. It would suck bad enough if I didn't measure it by geological time. *sigh*"

―Darth Sorrow

Darth Sorrow was very sad, mopey, grumpy, depressed, miserable, doloris, unhappy, sad, sorrowful, gloomy, somberly, desolate, heavyhearted, melancholic, tragically, sorry, sad, wistful, mournful, pensive, blue, dejected, dispirited, downcast, downhearted, sad, low, tristful, spiritless, dull, dysphoric, doleful, rueful, plaintive, lugubrious, woeful, lamentable, regretful, sad, dismal, joyless and very, very, very sad.

Powers and abilities

As well as being a master of Force cry me a river and Force grief, Sorrow had many more tricks up his snot-covered sleeve. He was also proficient at a variety of other Force powers—his Force facial tissue was said to knock down even the strongest pencils. He also utilized Force scream, Force self-pity and Force lock oneself in one's bedroom and cry for hours. However, despite seemingly like a perfectly happy, stable mountain, Sorrow had a deep secret—inside he was ever so slightly depressed. Although very few ever noticed it during Sorrow's reign, there were tell-tale signs of sadness. The tearful days, the attempted suicides and the self-inflicted wounds may not have been obvious activities of someone suffering from depression, but a select few made the connection. Needless to say, none survived to tell the tale to anyone. Except me.

Behind the scenes

Darth Sorrow was created by pothead writer C. P. M. Lancsna in 2007. He was the main antagonist in Sorrow Wars Episode IV: A New Hopelessness, played by Sir Kilimanjaro.

Appearances

• Sorrow Wars Episode I: The Phantom Sadness
• Sorrow Wars Episode II: Attack of the Crying
• Sorrow Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Tears
• Tales of the Mountains
  • Mountains and Molehills: Darth Sorrow's Tale
• Sorrow Wars Episode IV: A New Hopelessness (first appearance)
• Sorrow Wars Episode V: The Depression Strikes Back (first identified as Darth Sorrow)
• Sorrow Wars Episode VI: Return of the Emotion
• Star Wars: The Secret of Monkey Island

Sources

• Episode III: Visual Tissue
• New Essential Guide to Mountains
• Star Wars: The Depression Handbook