Darth Pillsbury
| |
| Darth Pillsbury | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld |
Unknown |
| Physical description | |
| Species |
Human-like |
| Gender | |
| Height |
2 Feet, 3 inches |
| Hair color |
He has no hair, did you even see the image? |
| Eye color |
Blue |
| Cybernetics |
Television |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Affiliation | |
| Known masters |
Every Sith alive at the time |
| Known apprentices |
None, nobody wanted to be his apprentice |
- "Poke me in my stomach and I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine!"
- ―Darth Pillsbury
Darth Pillsbury, born Buttery Skywalker, also known as That Annoying White Puff! was quite possibly the most unspectacular Super-Megalomaniac-Overlord Sith Lord in history, often failing at the dumbest tasks the Sith gave him (such as getting publishing rights for his memoirs). Indeed, many even wonder how he managed to achieve the latter rank (although the scientific community continues to debate it until this day, as they have nothing better to do. the general explanation is "What the hell?! That's what we call dumb, blind luck!"). He once tried to become a Jedi, but he failed, so he became a Sith instead (why they accepted him in their order is still unknown).
He was also the official mascot for Sith Happens Condom and Pregnancy Test Emporium. When Darth Elmo sent him on a suicide mission he was killed. The Sith never found out what went wrong, but they were all very surprised that a great Sith *cough* loser *cough* like Darth Pillsbury got killed during a suicide mission.
Biography
Early life
- "Today only, 40% off Jar Jar's Supa Neatsa Birth Control Pills!"
- ―Buttery during his famous advertising career
Darth Pillsbury's original name was Buttery Skywalker, and he was born on Tatooine to Crescent and Flaky Skywalker. Buttery never saw it fit to divulge much of his childhood, but whenever he did, it always involved the words "Back in my day...," "I walked to school," and excessive swearing, along with the accompanying groans of the very unfortunate listener.
Historians believe from this and other evidence that he was well liked. According to his transcript, he completed high school, then went to the Southeast Outer Rim Technical Academy and Cathouse. He dropped out after he was caught selling death sticks at a 360% markup. His earnings from this allowed him to buy his way into the advertising market.
The Sith Happens Condom and Pregnancy Test Emporium, the Jedi and more
Buttery soon became the official mascot for Sith Happens Condom and Pregnancy Test Emporium, making millions of credits in the process. During his time there, he met the love of his life, Gunter and the two began dating. However, Buttery felt hollow, as if his life had no purpose. He decided to apply with the Jedi, and for only reasons the Force probably knows, they accepted him as an entry level lightsaber polisher. As content as he should have been (him and Mace Windu enjoyed a poker game every week, with Yoda joining in and hustling the table here and there), he soon grew enraged, now realizing his life was indeed a failure (it is at this point that historians accept the slight chance of a distorted childhood) and he left the Jedi for the Sith.
The Sith
Apparently not picking up on the Jedi's not-so-subtle parade in the streets at Buttery's departure, the Sith allowed Buttery in their ranks, and he adopted his Sith name: Pillsbury, a combination of Pills, as in birth control, and 'bury alive', his desired fate for his ridiculers. He somehow rose through those ranks, using cliff notes and his "working" relationship with Darth Elmo (who actually hated him) to eventually ascend to the rank Super-Megalomaniac- Sith Overlord. A rank which was invented to make him feel "better" and more evil, or just to make fun of him, nobody knows.
His first mission was to help a team of Sith Lords infiltrate a McDonalds on Coruscant and gain enough money to then infiltrate a taxi company to gain better working conditions for Gungan drivers, then once they had gained their trust, use them to gain access to Darth Vader's secret stash of Sony Build-It-Yourself Superweapon kits. The plan failed because Pillsbury taped a paper saying 'Kick Me' to Darth Sorrow's back; not surprisingly, Sorrow did not take this well at all, and his excessive crying tipped off Vader's secret police.
Cloverfield
One of Pillsbury's old friends, The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, had turned against the Sith. Rampaging through the streets in an incident that would later be named "Cloverfield", Marshmallow Man caused quite a stir. It was then the Sith knew who they had to send to take care of him: Pillsbury. At first, he was adamant that he did not want to kill his old friend. But after convincing him with a day-long poking of his stomach, Pillsbury head off to stop his friend. Upon his arrival, Marshmallow Man immediately tried to stop Pillsbury. However, it soon turned into a fierce battle. Finally, in an attempt to stray him back to the Sith, Marshmallow committed suicide. He stuck his head in an oven and baked himself. Pillsbury came back a changed puff.
Return to the Sith
At this point it would have been much better to kill Pillsbury, but Elmo had other plans for the bumbling fool. He sent Pillsbury to collect a payment from Darth Pillsbury]]]; what Pillsbury didn't know was Elmo had already given Jabba an extension, and Jabba was not exactly a patient slug. When Pillsbury went to Jabba's exotic dance bar, Jabba grew furious and sent his henchman after the doughboy, but he managed to thwart them with his white bladed lightsaber (the color white, interestingly, is now banned by both the Jedi and the Sith).
Encounter With Darth Azula
- "Poke you in the stomach? I'm not perverted! And I don't want to make you more powerful!"
- ―Darth Azula to Darth Pillsbury in a cantina
Darth Pillsbury was in a bar, drinking off the situation with Elmo, when a women, whom he thought was hot, walked in. The women was Darth Azula, and she provoked him into a fight. They battled in an alley, where she defeated him and left him wounded. Darth Pillsbury went home and had a hangover the next day.
The Death of a hero *cough* Loser *cough*
At this point Elmo was done with Pillsbury, but he had no good reason to just get up and Tickle torture him to death (it is general consensus among the Sith that no reason was ever needed). Pillsbury, because of his rank, now was "rewarded" with the task of clearing Transfat's Moor on the northern quadrant of Chipsahoy during Elmo's campaign to conquer the planet for its vast tibanna gas resources. Elmo of course knew it was a suicide mission as the Chipsahoy residents were better equipped, all of them carrying lock-on miniature superlasers (supplied by none other than Boba Fett for reasons unknown). Pillsbury of course was completely oblivious and walked into the deathtrap like a complete idiot. His body was literally baked to death by the superlasers broiling power, and he never became one with The Force. His funeral was attended by the Sith, but only because of the superb catering and a concert by the Rapping Hutt Grannies and hot Twi'lek girls. It was at that very funeral Elmo met Pillsbury's life partner, Gunter.
Legacy
For weeks, Gunter secretly plotted his revenge on the Sith Lord who had killed his puff. Gunter quickly gathered an X-wing and wrecked havoc on Yo-Mamaopolis, slaughtering two people and luring Elmo into the trap. Darth Darth Binks ordered Elmo to exterminate the man. Elmo fell into the trap as Gunter targeted his weapons onto the furry Sith. Fortunately, Elmo's apprentice, Darth Animal, was able to warn him just before being blown to oblivion. Darth Elmo escaped unharmed and killed Gunter in a matter of seconds several hours later.
Personality and Traits
- "Hoy hoy!"
- ―Pillsbury's battle cry
Pillsbury had an IQ of -5 and had a fetish for people poking his stomach. He often exaggerated his abilities; he was only proficient in Force Panzy Slap, a skill many Sith saw no value in whatsoever. He dabbled in Tickle Torture, but never mastered the technique.
Pillsbury's E-harmony.com profile and MySpace that were self-authored described him as a "plump good looking albino male, looking for some fun, enjoyable outings to Starbucks, and long walks on the beach."[1]
He is notable as the only Sith ever not to receive a plaque on the Sith Academy's men's bathroom wall.
Quotes about his childhood
His childhood was described by the following quotes.
- "I don't have a son..."
- ―Crescent Skywalker, the "father"
- "The kid was loved like a cold... got us off of work for a couple of days, but other than that..."
- ―Flaky Skywalker, Crescent's life-partner
- "He was a fat white... thing."
- ―Luke Skywalker
- "I made the dimwitted mistake of dating him in high school... um, let's just say I am now a carrier of fifty-one different STDs"
- ―Anonymous
Appearances
- The Face of Idiocy: A Book About that White Blob
- The Life of Darth Elmo (Movie)
- The Life of Darth Elmo (Novel)
