Darth Perfectly Sane

"You remind me of one of my victims. FRIENDS! I… I meant 'friends'. Heh."

―Darth Perfectly Sane

Darth Perfectly Sane was a Sith Underlord whose low level of Sithly achievement was due to his refusal to admit to being an evil, psychotic killer. Throughout his life he went to considerable effort to appear to be a really very normal fellow—even working as a sales representative at the Sears in Des Moines, Iowa—who would absolutely never insert the business end of his lightsaber into his regional sales manager's sternum.

Eventually he was defeated by his chief rival, Darth Psycho.

Sith initiation

"Do as I command or I will sever one of your limbs. And it will hurt."

―Darth Obvious

Darth Perfectly Sane chose his own Sith title, and initially protested the addition of the "Darth" prefix, feeling that it detracted somewhat from the overall effect he was going for. However, his Sith sponsor, Darth Obvious, reminded him that as a Sith, he was expected to include the "Darth" and that he might get excluded from the Annual Sith Barbecue if he chose an unusual name. Lord Obvious also emphasized the need to advertise Sane's affiliation to any non-Sith he might encounter, and when Sane expressed disagreement with this particular tenet of Sith philosophy, Lord Obvious demanded compliance in his typical direct fashion.

The tauntaun incident

"Oh dear. No no, you see, it's not what it looks like… He, er—that is, I was just… It – it was like that when I got here!"

―Darth Perfectly Sane

During a trip to an important business conference, Darth Perfectly Sane came upon a wild tauntaun and, believing nobody was looking, cut it open with his lightsaber and crawled inside. He was soon discovered by Todd, the electronics department VP, who reacted with understandable concern. When Darth Perfectly Sane explained he had crawled inside the tauntaun for warmth, Todd reminded him that they were on Mustafar at the time. Sane revised his story several times, and Todd eventually dropped the matter.

Relationships

"As you can see, officer, I am a very law-abiding citizen… No no, there's no need to open my freezer… Ah, well, er, yes, you see, those are… No, sir, please don't confiscate that! I need it! It's my … inhaler! … No, really, it is! And I can prove it! Just put it in your mouth … No, no, other end … Okay, and now press that button on the side. … OHHH! Oh dear, what a mess… I'm terribly sorry, officer, I, heh—I thought that was my inhaler! … Officer?"

―Darth Perfectly Sane

Darth Perfectly Sane is known to have had only one romantic encounter. A few months before his violent death, he invited Susan from Receiving over for Chinese takeout and a movie. Despite the awkwardness of his invitation, Susan (for reasons known only to herself) accepted. The details of the evening remain unclear, but it is known that Susan ran home screaming, alerting the other residents of Sunnyview Apartments to trouble. The resulting 911 call (and its grisly aftermath) resulted in Darth Perfectly Sane's dismissal from the Appliances department.

Appearances

• My Absolutely Non-Homicidal Career: The Darth Perfectly Sane Story
• More Fun with Averageness and Common Decency: A Tale of Darth Perfectly Sane
• That's Not Blood, I've Just Been Repainting My Imperial Royal Guard Costumes: The Healthy and Innocent Wisdom of Darth Perfectly Sane