Darth Nerd
| |
| Darth Nerd | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Born |
39 BBY |
| Died |
1 ABY, th exploding computer incident. |
| Physical description | |
| Species | |
| Gender | |
| Height |
Short-ish |
| Hair color | |
| Eye color |
Squinty |
| Cybernetics |
Artificial right hand created by himself after chronic pain from, er... "looking" at images of Guri |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Affiliation |
|
| Known masters |
Himself |
| Known apprentices |
Darth Geek |
Darth Nerd, born Flappy Skywalker, was the supreme overlord of the Gates Galaxy and the nerdiest Sith Mega-Super-Overlord to ever face the galaxy. Flappy Skywalker was born the son of Darth Bill Gates and Shmi Skywalker along with his whiny older brother Anakin Skywalker. For four years after birth, Flappy had been building something up inside of him only 47.543246436 percent less powerful than God himself. The Force grew strong in him. While visiting at the local Burrito King one day with his family, the power erupted from him upon eating the ultimate burrito. Dozens of innocent people just barely escaped the food establishment with their lives. Unfortunately, Flappy's father was not one of them. Darth Bill lay dead as Shmi, Flappy and Anakin watch local law-enforcement scrape Darth Bill off the french fry-encrusted floors of the fast-food place.
The next day, while Shmi was attending her late husband's funeral, Anakin and Flappy engaged in a fight back at their house until Flappy decided to leave. While trying to leave, Anakin rudely pushed his brother out of the window where, he was caught by several Happy Pony Lovers who tried to bring the boy back to their hideout. Flappy, however, escaped their wrath and lived in a Cyber-Cafe for the next 23 years to come.
After venturing out after his twenty-three year disappearance, Flappy began exploring Tatooine, searching for a way home. As night came, Flappy ran into a cave where he rested for the night until finding the corpses of the now dead Happy Pony Lovers in the cave. Suddenly, an angry Jawa jumped out and kidnapped the man. The angry Jawa turned out to be none other than the ferocious Darth Jawa, a Master Juicer. Jawa attempted to juice the nerd, only to be juiced himself. The extremely pissed Flappy transformed into his highly evil counterpart, Darth Nerd. Having no-where else to turn, Darth Nerd traveled to the Microsoft System, picking up an entourage on the way, and dominating the system as his father had done years before. After several "exciting" adventures with his posse, including one about the show preview button, Lord Nerd found himself in an assassination attempt, as his now Jedi brother Anakin had become a Jedi Knight. Barely escaping the assassination attempt, Darth Nerd hunted his brother down and engaged in a massive duel with him. After defeating Anakin (though not killing him, just making him more whiney), Darth Nerd found the ghost of his father who told his son to journey into superstardom.
After failing that dumb superstardom idea, Darth Nerd decided to settle down and get married to the love of his live; his computer. After going through a hellish wedding, Darth Nerd died when his wife malfunctioned and crashed the ship into a sun on the way home. Lord Nerd became one with the InternetForce
Biography
Early life - Death of a father
Darth Nerd was born Flappy Skywalker on November 8637th, 39 BBY to father Darth Bill, the king of the nerds and mother Shmi Skywalker. At the early age of two, Flappy's brother, Anakin, was able to feel something in young Flappy he had not sensed since his birth. Something evil and horrendous was in the works, but Anakin wasn't able to realize what it was.
At the age of four, Flappy's parents took the kids to the local Burrito King for a day of family fun. Unfortunately, Flappy ordered the ultimate burrito, a substance which few had survived its wrath. Just as Flappy began eating his ultimate burrito, the anger, evilness, and overall fury of Flappy released for the first time ever. Rumbling began to shake the entire food establishment. Most people were able to leave in time, save for several peasants. They can be spared. However, to Shmi, Anakin and Flappy's shock, Darth Bill lay dead, body strung across the broken windows. Of course, they weren't able to identify the man right away due to his misshapen face, but deep down, they knew it was him. Hours later, the police concluded that it was a positive match; Bill Gates was dead. Still, they continued their family fun day and went to the circus to torment a few Sand People. Anakin was even able to win a stuffed bantha (he killed and stuffed it himself).
Happy Pony Lovers - In Darth Jawa's hands
The next day, Shmi left to go to the funeral of her husband and left Anakin and Flappy home by themselves. Anakin and Flappy had a massive fight over the incident the previous day after Anakin had promised to give the stuffed bantha to his brother. However, Anakin did not go through with his promise and decided to keep it for himself. Flappy, furious over his brother's decision, packed his bags and tried to leave before Anakin threw him out of the window. As a furious Flappy falls to his almost certain death, a group of Happy Pony Lovers were able to catch the boy and take him as their own. As they made their way back to the uber-super-secret Happy Pony Lovers hideout where Flappy was to be eaten, the boy managed to escape and find an abandoned speeder bike where he lived for the next twenty-three years to come.
Twenty-three years later after feeling it was finally time to come out of his home, Flappy left the speeder and journeyed throughout the deserts of Tatooine until finding the corpses of his kidnappers in a nearby cave. Upon finding these, Flappy realized he had ventured into the wrong place. The now grown-man did his best to escape the cave. He did not make it. Found by the butt-ugly Darth Jawa, Flappy was taken to Jawa's Jawa juicer where the Master Juicer would often make juicy remains out of his friends as the boy was told he had two options. The first option was to buy the juicy remains of the Happy Pony Lovers. The second option was to be juiced himself. Flappy, fearing for his life, opted to drink the Happy Pony Lovers, despite how disgusting their consumption was. When Flappy failed to have a smile on his face while drinking it, the evil Darth Jawa decided to juice the man anyway, to Flappy's horror. As the man was about to be thrown into the juicer, he was asked if he had anything else to say. Flappy heroically responded with, "PLEASE DON'T JUICE ME!!! I'LL DO ANYTHING!!!" It was at that point the man turned the tables on his foe and kicked the Master Juicer into the grinder, effectively killing him.
Flappy, feeling the Force alive in himself now more than ever, claimed his title and transformed into the super-powahful Darth Nerd. There was no turning back now.
Microsoft System
After just barely escaping a group of weird people on his way home and returning from his twenty-three year-long disappearance, Darth Nerd came home to find that nobody had remembered him. In fact, he had also found that his mother was involved in a cover-up story to erase his father's own existence, blaming the pesky midi-chlorians on his and Anakin's births. The reason behind this remained unclear, though it is speculated that Shmi was collecting money from the government by saying the Sith Happens Condom and Pregnancy Test was to blame for not protecting her from the midi-chlorians. While flawed in many ways, yes, it was enough to help her receive enough money to get those Wookiee-waxes for down there. Lord Nerd also found that his very own brother had become a Jedi. The Sith Lord decided it was time to move on and start a life of his own.
While traveling to the Microsoft System to take his father's place as ruler, Darth Nerd came across a group of jitterbug-dancing missionaries and enlisted them as his own personal entourage. Finally, the time had come. Lord Nerd made his way to the Microsoft System and swiftly dominated it with ease. The man literally went from controlling a group of dimwitted missionaries to controlling billions of men, women, children and animals. He could do anything he wanted and get away with it. Because of this, he murdered several of the less-important members of his entourage just for fun. Things were never better for the man.
Wikipedia
- "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY COMPUTER?!?"
- ―Nerd, talking to Simon, "calmly"
Five years later while discovering the "wonders" of Wikipedia, Simon the Killer Ewok, a member of Nerd's entourage angrily ran into Nerd's room and repeatedly stabbed his computer. A furious Lord Nerd responded to this with the usual Force lightning, and after the first hour, gave the Ewok a chance to speak. Simon explained that Nerd had been messing up Wikipedia somehow. Before, Simon had a chance to give the reason, Darth Nerd beat the shit out of the furry creature with a baseball bat, calmly might I add. The man then gave Simon a chance to explain, in which Simon replied that Nerd hadn't been using the show preview button, a button essential to wiki-editing. Nerd departed from the Microsoft System where he traveled with his posse to Bogden where the funeral for his computer was held.
Several hours later, while messing around on his office-mate's new computer, Darth Idol Guy found himself frustrated at the slowness. Another one of Nerd's entourage members, Bing Crosby walked in to find the Internet was not connecting. Bing took a look at the wires and oddly began chewing on them, just as Simon entered. Simon, however, instructed Bing to chew the blue wire instead of the red. Lord Nerd returned to find people eating his computer and calmly attempted to drop inflatable forklifts on their heads. When he failed to do so, he realized he just wasn't the same Lord Nerd anymore. Depressed, he packed his bags once again and left for the Doctor Phil Show, bringing along with him his entourage.
- "Our guests tonight have been through hell and back. They found themselves at war with each other, dropping inflatable forklifts. All because of one tragic incident involving the show preview button, these men hate each other. And the most ironic thing of all is that Bing Crosby wasn't even involved in the violence. Instead of using violence as a means of solving issues, we should all learn at what really matters here. And in this case, it's the show preview button. Whether you hate having to load a page twice just to see if everything looks alright or you don't mind it at all, the lesson tonight is to just use it anyway, regardless of your hatred towards it. Either that or just kill Jimbo Whales. The latter actually works better for all of us, so that might be good. You might wanna look into that. Anyway, good night everybody."
- ―Jerry Springer's "Final Thought" segment
After arriving, Dr. Phil found his guests throwing chairs at each other and beating one another up. Upon finding his guests acting in such a behavior, Phil kicked the group off his stage and told them that they were too insane for him to handle and they have The Jerry Springer Show for shit like that. While at The Jerry Springer Show, the group discuss their issues there. Things finally became clear for everyone when they realize to just use the show preview button, the solution to everything.
Several days later, Lord Nerd had everyone gather around to watch the show preview button being used. After everyone agreed it was mighty awesome, another problem had been solved.
Don't you wish you had the last fifteen minutes back after reading this? Well, you might want to avoid the next section. It's essentially the same deal. Just a heads up. Anyway, let's see what's in store for Darth Nerd...
Revenge of Anakin
That night after showing everyone the show preview button, Lord Nerd prepared himself a nice bubble-bath. After an exciting night of looking in the mirror and saying "hi" to himself and watching home-movies dressed as a Mexican, Darth Nerd drifted off to sleep, dreaming of puffy clouds and Ricky Bobby. Then, Darth Idol Guy stomped into Nerd's room quickly and awoke his co-worker while Simon came running and threw a can of hot soup at Darth Nerd's computer, destroying it. Instead of calmly using Force lightning and baseball bats on Simon like the last time, Lord Nerd grabed a machine gun and began firing at the Ewok. However, he soon found the reasons for Simon's doings and agreed it was for the best. Not only did the computer contain a bomb, but as Lord Nerd soon found out, it was planted by his own brother, Anakin. Darth Nerd packed his bags and traveled to Tatooine II to find his brother so he could do something unspeakable.
Anakin Skywalker, being the macho man he is (9_9), was found by Darth Nerd in a tattoo parlor eating a burrito. Anakin was surprised to find his brother still alive, but prepared to go into battle. A chaotic fight broke loose between Darth Nerd and his brother as countless battles, tests, name-calling, Yo Mamaing (despite sharing the same mother), and of course, quizzes erupted. However, everything came down to one last fight: the burrito duel. Two brothers prepared themselves for a ferocious challenge that could change the galaxy as we know it. Anakin's first bite came from the transformer burrito, causing him to not only gag but turn into an Alaskan, as well. The Alaskan transformation wasn't what Anakin was hoping for, as it was useless against Nerd's Force powers. The next bite was for Darth Nerd, in which he ate his most powerful burrito, the ultimate burrito. Blasting almost everyone in the room to oblivion, Darth Nerd was sure this would kill his brother. He was wrong. Anakin used his Force powers to block the attack as the game went on to round two. Anakin took another bite from the transformer burrito, resulting in him changing into a woman. A hot one, too. Of course, the competition was over as legions of fanboys tackled Anakin as Darth Nerd ran for his life, hiding in a dumpster.
After sitting there for a few hours, waiting for things to die down, Lord Nerd noticed he wasn't alone. Sitting next to him was a wide-eyed boy claiming to see dumb people. Darth Nerd climbed out of the dumpster with caution to find a person he never expected: Darth Bill, the Force ghost of his father. Nerd was told by the man that Anakin had forever been changed into a woman, thanks to him. A whiny woman, to add to that. Darth Bill was proud. He also added if Nerd were to seek superstardom throughout the galaxy, he would be almost instantly successful, despite being a nerd. Because of this, Darth Nerd went on to seek success as a superstar.
The life of a superstar
Now, Darth Nerd had to figure out a way to become a superstar. The first thing that came to him was to back to return to the Doctor Phil Show where he would find out if he was a superstar. Figuring he was already on a talk show, he felt he already was a superstar. Dr. Phil, however, thought otherwise. But what he says doesn't really matter, anyway. A confident Darth Nerd then spent the next several weeks trying to find a holo-program to star on, but nobody would have him. Thousands of shows turned down Lord Nerd. Except for one... Darth Nerd landed the role of Elliot Reid on the up-and-coming show Scrubs, a show about weird window cleaners which was sure to be a hit. Nothing was going to stop Darth Nerd of becoming a the top superstar now! Until he found out that Elliot Reid was actually a woman on the show, in which he considered his options. He could give the role up and look for another job. Or he'd stay on the show and be forced to have Wookiee-Nookie with Zach Braff. Naturally, he gave the role up.
Darth Nerd's next attempt of superstardom was to go on the Oprah Winfrey Show, but upon finding that Oprah was in fact a man, Nerd gave up and went back to the Microsoft System to celebrate Shabbos by sleeping.
The wedding of the century
Nerd returned home after his many attempts of superstardom to find a toilet, beaver, "Weird Al" Yankovic, Steve Perry, and the Frog-Buster in his room playing poker and eating pizza with a group of Cubans. An angry Nerd explained that he had in fact ordered a toilet repairman, a beaver tail, "Weird Al" Yankovic and Journey CDs, busted frog legs and Cuban cigars, not what he came home to find. Still, he kept them around for a bit to discuss his life problems. After listing all of his problems in life, including his unsuccessful superstardom, Steve Perry told him that the only solution was to don't stop believing and faithfully welcome the woman of a lifetime with open arms. Darth Nerd, angered at this due to his hatred toward women, threw the group out of his house. It was at this point he realized he could find that right one and it didn't have to be a woman either. <insert gay joke here> He could in fact marry the true love of his life: his computer.
Five months later, Darth Nerd began his wedding to his computer. Every one of his friends came; Simon, Idol Guy, Bing Crosby, Tom Cruise, the Secret Toilet of the Alk, Darth Darth Binks, Christian Bale, and even Jerry Springer, Dr. Phil and Oprah Winfrey. As several minutes went by and Darth Nerd reached in to kiss his lovely bride, a massive fight erupted. Chaos spread throughout the room as Oprah began killing Dr. Phil with the wedding cake while Jerry Springer tried to break it up. However, upon the Secret Toilet of the Alk, he began babbling stupidly in love as his bodyguard, Steve Wilkos, took over the duties of breaking it up. Simon threw toothpicks at Bing Crosby's eyes, on the other hand, as Darth Idol Guy began running around in a toga. The Frog Buster was, of course, beating up a coat hanger while the beaver ate his own ass. This somehow made everyone's problems alright. Regardless of the fight, Steve Perry still sang. Why? Because he's awesome, silly. To calm everyone down, Darth Nerd got out his ultimate burrito and warned everyone. He'd use it if necessary. However, upon seeing the burrito, the entire audience became calm. The wedding finished with the honeymoon being held right on-stage. **cough**
Death
As Darth Nerd ventured home with his new bride, he realized that he could use "her" to spread a massive virus throughout the entire galaxy and kill all other computers, leaving "her" the final one remaining. This would of course result in the death of Wikipedia, Wookieepedia, Darthipedia, SWFanon, SWGames, SWGames Jr. and most importantly of all, Rebelpedia, but would result in the Microsoft System being forced to manufacture more computers, thus improving the amount of people buying from him. Darth Nerd would surely become the next Darth Bill. Nothing could go wrong!
Until something went wrong. Unfortunately, he died when the computer malfunctioned and forced the ship to crash into a sun. Nerd was instantly killed and became one with the Force.
Legacy
Twenty-five years later, a dedication opened up in his office where everyone Darth Nerd had ever met gathered around to look at hot images of Guri on Nerd's newly reconstructed computer while singing the song "We Didn't Pop the Tire". To honor Darth Nerd, of course...
Behind the scenes
Many giddy fanboys debate whether or not Lord Nerd actually died upon crashing into the sun. He could have just as easily eaten an ultimate burrito seconds before, and launched himself out of the ship using the extreme powers of flatulence granted forthwith. Or he could not have. You decide.
A song was written by Hillbilly Joel in honor of Darth Nerd, appropriately named We Didn't Pop the Tire, after the unmentioned tire popping life of Nerd.
