Abso Bar Binks
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| Abso Bar Binks | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld | |
| Born | |
| Died |
Finally committed suicide, w00t! |
| Physical description | |
| Species | |
| Gender |
Ambiguous |
| Hair color |
Blonde (duh) |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Era(s) |
Desa Era of da Maxi Bombad Binks Sithies |
| Affiliation | |
| Known masters |
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- "NOOOOOOOOO!"
- ―Darth Vader upon seeing "Princess Leia"'s identity revealed
Abso Bar Binks, also known as the Sith Lord Darth Detestable, was a female male[1] Human-Gungan hybrid Sith Mega-Super-Overlord/fashion model/singer/porn star notorious for being one of the least popular beings in the galaxy (take that, big scary stone face). The daughter of Tira and Darth Darth Binks, Abso was hated by each and every being in the galaxy, even God Himself. Abso even managed to break God's almighty Bryar Pistol by causing it to destroy itself. Planets were known to implode due to her mere presence since she he was so god-awful.
Abso was also known for being obsessed with Darth Kira to the point of insanity, the latter grudgingly taking her as a Sith apprentice just in case he/she would come in handy.
Abso was unusually sexy, but was outclassed in that regard by Kairi because Darthrai wrote both of their Darthipedia articles.
Biography
Abso Bar Binks was born to Darth Darth Binks and Tira on the planet Weeabooboo in 19 BBY. During this time, some absolute genius decided to kill Abso's parents[2], traumatizing the adorable Gungan girl boy for life. This caused Abso to develop an extremely annoying and psychotic persona.
At one point, Abso was accosted by Cad Bane, but the Shinigami Gelus wrote Bane's name into his Darth Note, killing him. This Darth Note went to another Shinnygami, Darth Rem, who gave the Darth Note to Abso and became her guardian thanks to her extraordinary ability to survive five seconds next to the highly irritating ambiguous-gendered blond(e). Naming Abso "Darth Detestable" despite her/his insistence on "Darth Misa-Misa" due to its inherent "kawaii-ness", Darth Rem also took Abso as a Sith apprentice.
Eventually, Abso developed an obsession for Darth Kira and became his apprentice, working with his plans to kill his arch-enemy L. However, with Darth Vader's help, L eventually captured Abso and put her[3] in bondage, which led to her giving up her Darth Note.
Abso was eventually freed and sent on a mission to undermine Darth Vader. Disguised as Princess Leia, Abso was sent on board the Tantive V as a decoy to give Leia herself more time to escape. The plan worked, but not for the reasons intended: Vader had put up enough with Abso merely existing and decided to teach her a lesson. On board the Tantive V, Vader tortured and apparently killed Abso just for the lulz.
It is rumored that Abso survived the incident and committed suicide the year after Darth Kira died, but this has yet to be confirmed.
Legacy
It was rumored that the Human replica droid Hatsune Miku was designed to be a benevolent version of Abso Bar Binks.
The image speaks for itself
Where's your God now?
The one thing that Abso Bar Binks was good for
Abso Bar Binks was only useful because fangirls would no longer churn out slash fanfiction between Darth Kira and L at a speed fast enough to send their computers into hyperspace. Instead, they churned out the homoerotic bullshit at 143,236,305 times that rate in a desperate attempt to erase Abso from existence.
It was rumored that Darth Secret owned a collection of Abso Bar Binks porn, but he had since denied these rumors, destroying the planets of any individuals who tried to hack into his viewscreen. However, Ahsoka Tano has openly admitted to owning her own collection of Abso porn.
Acting career
Abso Bar Binks has acted in a variety of films, all of which are unwatchable and involve the worst kind of Gungan porn:
- Death Note
- Death Note II: The Last Name
- Misa-Misa's Happy Sweets
- Sith Girls are Easy (with Scarlett Rain)
- A One-Night Stand with a Shingami
- Hannah's Bananas
- Sex Crimes of the Trade
- Super Sex Sisters Brawl
- Star Trek
In addition, Abso was a regular performer on holowowdiscogoddesses.com, and was one of Attichitcuk's favorites.
Singing career
Abso Bar Binks was also a J-pop singer who produced several highly unsuccessful Weeaboobian-language albums:
- Hell's Door
- Let's Make a Happy Love!
- I Want Change the Masturbation
- Hotohoto Suteimii Rereiishon
- I am Not Hatsune Miku
- The Transformed Man (with James T. Kirk)
Abso's most popular least unpopular song, "Misa no Uta" (from Let's Make a Happy Love!), was one of the most widely-hated songs in the galaxy, except on Felucia where it was widly popular among young Felucians and continued to be regularly played at pool parties.
Darth Misa-Misa introduces herself
Behind the scenes
- "Okay, Jar Jar needs to become more likable. I know! Let's put him in a cute girl's body!"
- ―Retarded Japanese anime creator
Abso Bar Binks was portrayed by Eddie Murphy, who also portrayed Dash Rendar, Xizor, Jarael, Beldorion the Hutt, Greedo, Darth Ducky, Steve Ballmer, Rocky Balboa, Neytiri, Darth Darth, and many, many others.
The name "Misa-Misa" is a portmanteau of "mesa" and "misogynist".
Notes and references
- ↑ The English translators of Super Star War Fight Z hated the character so much that they referred to her/him as a male, though the funonicity of this is disputed
- ↑ Unfortunately, Darth Darth Binks came back to life afterwards...
- ↑ Let's just call Abso a "she" from now on, okay? It's getting kinda tiring.
