Darth Evil
| |
| Darth Evil | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld |
Venus |
| Born |
It was before your time |
| Died |
Never |
| Physical description | |
| Species |
Whatever you want, baby |
| Gender |
Female, so very female |
| Height |
Petite yet long legged |
| Hair color |
Perfect |
| Eye color |
She was looking at Me! |
| Cybernetics |
All natural |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Era(s) |
Every one |
| Affiliation | |
| Known masters |
You wish |
| Known apprentices |
Just about everyone in the Galaxy |
- "Darth Evil was a very evil Sith."
- ―Darth Obvious
Darth Evil was the darkest, most evilest Sith ever. And she didn't have to destroy planets or kill anyone either.
One of the greatest (in terms of eviltude) Sith of all time, Darth Evil was a woman. And not just any woman, the woman of your dreams, and mine, and everyone else's. She was a woman of such extreme hotness and passion that even someone as sexually ambiguous as C-3PO would be completely overwhelmed by mad, umm... relational urges at the very sight of her. And that was her thing, she was smart, gorgeous and perfect in every way but she never put out. Not to anyone. Not ever. Such was the greatness of her evil.
Legend says that she would appear to anyone as the very realization of their most coveted fantasy, and play out a whole fairy tale for you, without the 'happy ending'. Many Jedi came over to the Dark Side sheerly out of the emotional stress of meeting her. Many Sith have destroyed planets just at the sight of her. Did I mention she was evil?
Anyway, legend also has it that she could not die (even death was afraid to come near her), so she might still be around today. That girl next door who likes you? Could be her so watch out...
Born before time even existed, as the story goes, she created the universe through her complete evil. Then, leaving the rest of the work to some unknown named Kyle Katarn, she founded the Sith Order, a group of less awesome (but still awesome) people dedicated to evil. There was a member of the Galactic House of Lords (strangely a lady) that started a religion known as the Female Equality Manifesto (FEM), with her as the sole deity. It has carried on through the lines of hot female Sith ever since.
Darth Evil clearly exists in the minds of all Darthipedians and editors of any fan wiki. What those cannot have, they create in their minds, and sure I'd fucking destroy a planet for her too.
Once you have started down the Darth path, forever will she dominate your destiny, <insert name here>. Yes, you are doomed to pine for her until the day Tatooine freezes solid and Hoth has tropical beaches. Why? Because you are cursed by her even though she doesn't know you, the extent of her evil is so great. It happens to all Darthipedians. Except for Female Darthipedians, and we all know those are just urban legends.
You see, a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, the original leaders of Darthipedia dared cross her. Leave it to them to make a crappy wiki. Having zero tolerance for crappy articles, Lady Evil and her disciples set out to create some good articles and destroy the crappy ones (but how many articles would this wiki have if they did?). No one had much of a problem with this, but it was difficult for the FEMs and the Darthipedians to exist in harmony. Finally in an all-out duel the FEMs gained control of the wiki, but later lost it thanks to the oh-so-heroic efforts of the Darthipedians. So now Darth Evil put a curse on everyone on this wiki who has been here for more than two weeks. If you have there is no hope. If you haven't than it isn't too late... what the hell are you doing on this wiki anyway?
If you have the courage to scroll down, then do so. Those without the courage will experience vomiting, nausea, or extreme hair loss. Now who wants to read this article? All two of you? Okay. Then scroll down the page, <insert name here>, and be prepared to stomach the evilness of it all...just make sure you leave your will with me...
Birth
- "She didn't create the universe. The universe created her. And then she created the universe. Though she didn't really. That was Kyle Katarn. Or was it? I guess what I mean is that she was the original Creator that created all the stuff before Kyle actually created it. No, that's not what I mean. What I'm trying to say is...My point is...What I'm trying to tell you is...Strawberry smoothie?"
- ―Someone telling how Darth Evil created the universe, even though she didn't because Kyle Katarn did...or did he?
Darth Evil was the darkest, most evilest Sith ever. And yes, I did paste that from the first sentence. I'm just trying to emphasize this point before we continue.
She was so evil that she was created by the living Dark Side itself. The dark side was a hermaphrodite, like the Hutts but it smelled a lot worse. The Dark Side enjoyed checking out strip clubs on Venus, the strip club capital of the galaxy, but unfortunately because of its extreme b.o. never had relations. Getting depressed, our hermaphrodite dark side decided to have relations with itself. I don't know how it managed, but it did. Somehow it also got pregnant with itself. The result: Darth Evil.
Creation of the Universe
- Jedi: "And Darth Evil created the universe out of the most vile concoction ever: evil."
- Padawan: "So the universe is made out of pure evil?"
- Jedi: "No. There was also onions, garlic, creamed spinach, hot sauce, and that gross sticky green stuff I get on Tuesdays with my pork chops. Damn, I wish my wife was a better cook..."
- — Jedi discussing Darth Evil[[|[src]]]
For no apparent reason other than her pure evilness, Darth Evil then created the universe out of the things we fear most. She created it out of disgusting food, of fussy relatives, of gross warts and awful smells, all of which can be described in the passage below. This is the time when you can hand me your will. Hand-holding will cost fifty bucks, and tissues an extra twenty-five.
It's Christmastime and you're at your Grandpa Jim's house. You are trying out the new digital microscope from Uncle Ted while wearing the hand-knit sweater Grandma Sue gave you every Christmas (when is that lady going to get some imagination for a change?). Suddenly, the warning bell inside your head starts to ding. You check the clock. Two minutes to five. And she was never late. Never. Not in the past fifteen years since you've known her.
The clock rings five just as the apple-shaped form of Aunt Marge appears in the doorway. "Where's my <insert name here>?" she shouts, looking wildly around the room for you while everyone else tries to conceal their smirks. You put on what you think is a brave smile while you mutter a hi, hoping she doesn't notice your disgusted look at the humungo wart on her nose.
She tackles you on the couch and covers you with kisses. Your nostrils fill with her characteristic smell of mothballs, soap, and old people, making your head spin. You catch a refreshing whiff of her coat and you know that she hasn't washed the thing since your middle school graduation.
"Now who wants some of my homemade guacamole?" she bellows, her voice too loud as always. You unconsciously cringe. Aunt Marge's guacamole was something that even Jabba the Hutt would turn sickly green at the very mention of. Your face pales as you remember the time you found something that looked suspiciously like a rat's tail in it when you were seven.
I'm going to give you a few seconds to calm down................................now I'm done. In any case, Darth Evil created the universe out of pure evil and fear, aka the Dark Side. When she was finally done, she instilled terror into all her creations of herself, the Sith, and Aunt Marge (Shiver). Indeed, Darth Evil was evil in a way most Sith just couldn't be. Wanting to spread more evil around, Darth Evil left her post as Supreme Ruler of the Universe and gave it to Kyle Katarn, who won it in a raffle.
The FEMs
Many millions of years later when time actually existed, there lived a member of the Galactic House of Lords named Madeline Lee Vader. She was one of the three members (not to mention the only female) actually in the House of Lords that didn't abdicate, though she never came to the meetings.
Anyway, Madeline is what we call a Sith through association: not much of a Sith herself but she has a heck of a lot of relatives who are. Her husband, Sam Vader, a descendant of Darth Bane was CEO of the famous Darth-Mart. Her daughter Diane was one of the best Sith of all time. That would make her the mother-in-law to Palpatine, but that's something someone would hide from the rest of the world. She is also the grandmother of the famous Sith Darth Vader. There are rumors that she descended from Kreia after her daughter Brianna got married, but with the looks she has, it probably isn't true.
Being a Sith (though not altogether a good one), and also a feminist (like Atris!), our girl Madeline searched for a good female Sith as a postergirl for women to join the Sith. There weren't that many out there, as this was before the time of Diane Vader, Olivia Kenobi, and Sylvana Zen. So Madeline went searching every Monday to no avail. It was finally on a Friday that Darth Evil came to her.
The Coming of Darth Evil
On a dark and stormy Friday night (which was strangely Friday the 13th. Coincidence? I think no!) our friend Madeline was lying on the living room couch watching a horror film. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Madeline was too engrossed in her horror film to answer, so she shouted for her daughter Diane, three floors up, to get it.
Surprise, surprise, Darth Evil came through the door, and, in a fit of glorious biblical unoriginality, was carrying two stone tablets (like Moses!). Darth Evil was Madeline's perfect female Sith, but at the moment Madeline had more pressing matters to attend to. Who was going to finish those leftover pork rinds in the fridge, huh? Darth Evil responded by applying Force lightning to the whole fridge, frying everything inside, so I guess that answers that question. This shocked Madeline at least into pretending to be interested in what Darth Evil had to say.
She'd be a postergirl and Madeline wouldn't even have to pay her for being in photographs, on one condition: All female Sith that signed up this way must worship her as their goddess with all the rules followed. There were over 750 rules, but the five commandments say it all:
- You could not eat meat. This includes beef, turkey, chicken wings, and especially not pork rinds. Yes, Madeline, we're all paying for your mistake.
- You shall have no other gods but Darth Evil. That's right: no Kyle Katarn, no Steve Perry (gasp!), and especially no Gonk. Gonk is evil! He is a box. Gonk is an evil box! Duh-duh-duh-duh-DUN!!!!
- You must have some associations with the Overly Litigious Association that Can't Take a Joke (OLACTAJ).
- Most importantly, never, ever have any relations with any guy whatsoever unless under special circumstances. If you're not quite sure what those circumstances are, ask Darth Evil if she approves of your situation. She won't, and will probably Force lightning you for asking, but it was worth a try!
- If you ever do have children, the first thing you should do is grovel for Darth Evil's mercy. Then kill all the boys and keep all the girls. We need more females in Star Wars anyway. What really peeves me is why Shmi Skywalker couldn't have followed this rule. It couldn't have killed Padmé to do it too.
With those rules in mind, the pact was signed. The first female Sith Darth Evil received was Madeline's kid, Diane Vader. Being the mother of all female Sith the religion passed down through her. She brought her son Darth Vader up to it and persuaded his girlfriend Sylvana Zen to join too. Then she bought Olivia Kenobi from her father Obi-Wan Kenobi and taught her the religion also. Mara Jade was known to practice it before she was tainted by Luke Skywalker. Luke's Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Lumiya is a confirmed practitioner of the FEM religion. So the members of FEM just mentioned in that itty-bitty paragraph were:
That stuff gets around! Like kudzu!
Darthipedian Involvement
Finding the Wiki
- Darth Evil: "This wiki has reached untold heights of craptitude. I swear, if I see one more crappy stub article like this again..."
- Diane Vader: "Palpatine's penis?"
- Darth Evil: "Yeah, they've crossed the line. Diane, prepare to boot up your Death Star. Oh, the smell of destroyed wikis helps me get up in the mornings..."
- — Darth Evil and Diane Vader, discussing the fate of Darthipedia[[|[src]]]
One cheery Sunday, Darth Evil was checking out her computer, when suddenly she forgets how to make pancakes. So she checks out the baking wiki (yes, we have one) in search for a recipe that is delicious yet nonfat. To her great disgust, the baking wiki contained no information on baking at all. In short, it was crap! Utter crap! From her pure evilness, she destroyed the wiki. Then it occurred to Darth Evil: How many of these wikis are out there?. Probably millions. The first step was to Google "crappy wikis". As luck would have it, the first result was Darthipedia.
Battle of the Wiki
- FEM: "In order to spare lives, we're going to challenge you to a thumb-wrestling contest: our deity against any of the other deities you have on that disambiguation page."
- Darthipedian: "Bring it on, muthafrackah!"
- — The proclamation of Darth Evil
Thus began the Darthipedian War. Though both sides lost many brave soldiers, Darthipedians suffered more casualties due what is now call the Darth Talon Effect, or what-happens-when-you-try-to-pick-up-female-Sith, moron. Finally tired of all this amusement, Darth Evil challenged any deity the Darthipedians were nominating to a thumb wrestling contest. Not knowing what to do, they put up a vote on which God should be their champion.
Of course, each God had their own excuse not to go: Kyle Katarn would never go against his former boss, Steve Perry was busy finishing his 591st novel, John Williams made a musical reply no one could understand, Revan was busy scavenger-hunting for those slug thingies, and Morgan Katarn said he was on a fishing trip, but really was at a casino gambling away his son's college fund. Nice one, Morgan.
The task fell to Gonk, the only deity that didn't back down with a lame excuse. G*nk, being his usual generous self, agreed to help the desperate fanboys. In their relief, however, no one noticed that G*nk didn't have any thumbs, and thus unable to thumb wrestle with Darth Evil. So when the match started, Darth Evil won easily. The almighty G*nk was forced to make her coffee. She and her FEMs blocked all the Darthipedians that opposed her, then destroyed all the crappy articles. Thus our great wiki was reduced to 6 or 7 articles, from the biggest to the smallest wiki in just 7 days.
Disappearance
- "What the hell was that?"
- ―The wonderfully poetic words of a Darthipedian, in reaction to Darth Evil's disappearance
That wouldn't work for some determined Darthipedians. Started by this big burly dude only known as the Choker and Revan's first cousin twice removed, anti-FEMinism (no pun intended) spread like wildfire. Some of the smarter ones met up and prepared to attack the FEM stronghold.
It was a lame attack, but nevertheless affective. Revan's first cousin twice removed, a college student, had the brilliant idea of making it look a lot like Senior Prank Week. Some Darthipedians TPed the walls, while a few of the more creative ones threw rocks with slingshots that were actually...bras. They carried torches, poster signs, and sang songs, which gave it an LA in the '60s look too. The FEMs, trapped inside their stronghold, had no way of reaching their lightsabers, thus could not win. Victorious, the Darthipedians rushed into the building ready to collect their spoils.
They found Darth Evil. They screamed taunts at her, demanding she admit she finally met her match. Suddenly, an electric ray of blue light flashed through the hallway, knocking everyone ten feet away from where they were and seriously injuring their backsides. Then they realized what had happened.
Darth Evil disappeared. Just disappeared. There was no note, no greeting card, no piece of paper with a room of a Motel 6 and a phone number written on it (which disappointed the Darthipedians). Nothing. No one knows where she went.
Some say she died, but most think she was too evil to die. Many think she's still somewhere in the galaxy, trying to entice a rebellion in the Darthipedia Cabal. Others assume she went to Kreia, where they sit and plot to conquer the galaxy. I guess we'll never know for sure.
Let us know if you get any leads of her location though. We'd all like to...erm, see her.
