Darth Bob
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| Darth Bob | |
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| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld | |
| Born |
Exactly the day he was born |
| Died |
Exactly the day he died |
| Physical description | |
| Species | |
| Gender | |
| Hair color |
Rust Orange |
| Eye color |
Black |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Affiliation |
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| Known masters | |
- "Life is a gift, life is... ah who the hell am I kidding? Go ahead and kill yourself."
- ―Darth Bob
Darth Bob, born Bob, was a man of few words, all of which were unintelligent nonsense, and brother to Elmo. Like many young boys Bob was born. At a young age, Bob's parents took the boys to meet the highly feared Sith Lord, Darth Fellatio. However, upon meeting the man, Bob gained crabs, forcing the parents of the young boys to shave all of the fur off of his skin. Just weeks later, Bob was dropped off at the door of a slaughterhouse, never to speak to his parents again.
Soon after, Bob became an employee at the slaughterhouse as the scruffy-looking nerf-fluffer, earning less-than minimum wage. While fluffing a nerf one day, the owner of the slaughterhouse mistook Bob as a Chinaman and dropped an inflatable forklift on his head, resulting in massive scars across his body. The young man stayed at the woman's house for the next few weeks while healing, developing a deep friendship with her. Before he knew it, Bob was adopted by the owner.
Within the following days, Bob became a a total failure a successful business man who, upon realizing that he was in fact in love with his new mother, scored with her. Caught in an affair with his mother by the slaughterhouse workers, Bob was humiliated. Feeling he had no-where else to turn, the young man fell to the Dark Side, becoming highly moderately feared Darth Bob. After this, Bob's life was devoted to finding and ruining the lives of homosexuals. Over the next several years, Darth Bob had many failures and little triumphs, his greatest of which was the kidnapping of his own brother, who had since become the highly feared Sith Lord, Darth Elmo. Proving that Darth Bob was just a loser, Elmo's secret apprentice, Darth Animal, freed the puppet and nearly killed Bob himself. Darth Bob, however, was able to escape the wrath of Animal and go into exile. After his brother committed "the ultimate act of treachery" and killed himself, Bob formed an empire of his own and tried to overthrow Darth Darth Binks with his army of Banana Peels. Unfortunately for Bob, he failed miserably yet again, later killing himself.
Biography
Early life
Bob and his twin Elmo was born on Endor to unknown parents. When the twins were only months old, their parents took them to meet the highly feared Sith Lord, Darth Fellatio. Unfortunately for Bob, Fellatio gave him crabs, forcing his parents to shave the fur off of young boy. Just weeks later, Bob's parents abandoned their son on the doorstep of some random slaughterhouse on some random place and they never spoke of him again. Being as Elmo was so young at the time, he would never remember this moment.
At the slaughterhouse, Bob soon found himself employed at the age of four months, fluffing nerfs, a job which he would hold until the age of two. While fluffing a nerf one day, the owner of the slaughterhouse happened to walk-by and mistook Bob for a Chinaman, resulting in the woman dropping an inflatable forklift on the boy's head. Massive scars covered Bob's body, as the owner let her employee heal in her house. While healing at the house, Bob and the woman developed a close friendship, in which Bob was hoping to take things to the next level eventually. However, things came to a halt when the slaughterhouse owner adopted Bob as her son, launching Bob into the world of business as her child.
"Wookiee-Nookie" with his mother
As the days passed, Bob found himself more in love with his now mother than ever before. But business was at hand, as he was on strict orders from his mother to sell two dozen live wampas off as really large frog legs to Darth Baker. This failed as Baker tried to cook the young boy and serve him as dinner. Bob was able to escape and soon quit the business to retire at the age of three. While playing Halo one day, Bob's mother returned from work. The boy began working his magic and soon found himself in a position with his mother only used by practitioners of Wookiee-Nookie. Bob's mother was doing this unwillingly, of course, but the boy just kept on going. Unfortunately for the men's eyes, two slaughterhouse workers entered the house and saw the blinding sight, deeply embarrassing Bob. Trying to pull himself off of his mother, the boy also found that he was stuck to her somehow. In one final attempt to end the Nookie, Bob jumped out of the window, resulting in the two landing into the sewers of some random place, killing Bob's mother on impact. Bob, amazingly, survived unscathed after landing on the tub of lard he called his mother.
Into the sewers of some random place
Bob lived in the sewers for many months, growing more and more insane. For food, Bob would eat his own mother. For drinks, Bob would, eh... let's not go there. I mean, he's living in a sewer. How many possible ways are there to get something to drink in a sewer? You can figure out the rest for yourself. This lasted up until his fourth birthday in which he finished off the remains of his mother and was forced to journey deeper into the sewers, hoping to find a way of escape. While not finding his escape route, the boy was able to meet a Sith Lord living in the sewers named Darth Random. Unfortunately, Darth Random was too drunk to help Bob at first. But upon becoming sober, Darth Random showed Bob the way our of the sewers. Once out, Random also noticed that the boy might make a good apprentice. The Sith Lord made his request, and not knowing where to turn next, Bob accepted. This of course meant that Bob had to follow his new master back into the sewers to be trained in the ways of the Force.
Revenge on homosexuals
Over the course of a month, Lord Random taught the newly deemed Darth Bob in the ways of the Force. Bob's training was almost over when after a grueling week of sleeping, shitting, jerking off to "Afro-Grannies" and generally doing nothing, Darth Bob "killed" his master with the random patent-pending "Force bore to death", lecturing his master on the importance of green beans to society. Random, however, survived and sought vengeance on Bob. Moving to Coruscant, Bob deeply contemplated why his mother was never attracted to him over the next few weeks. Believing that the only reason she wasn't attracted to him was because she was in fact homosexual, Bob vowed to kill/ruin all gay people – starting with Bert and Ernie.
Taking a disturbing photograph of Bert and Ernie just outside their bachelor-pad, the images shocked the galaxy. Darth Bob was extremely pleased. However, Bert and Ernie came out of the closet the very next day. To Darth Bob's dismay, the couple's lives remained not ruined, causing the Sith Lord to officially become pissed off.
Darth Elmo and the video
Bob was not happy about his failure to kill and/or ruin the lives of Ernie and Bert, so he continued to plot. Finally, after several months, everything was ready to go. The Sith Lord contacted the leader of Sesame Street to destroy Bert's planet. What Bob didn't realize was that Bert and Ernie in fact worked for Sesame Street. Not only that, the leader of Sesame Street was actually Darth Bob's brother, Darth Elmo, who was now a Sith Lord. Lord Elmo showed up along with Bert and Ernie pissed at Bob's apartment. Darth Bob ran off to some random place yet again, being closely followed by his brother, who was totally oblivious to the connection between the two. Making his way back to some random place, Bob locked himself in a broom closet at the slaughterhouse he had once worked at waited there for several minutes, just before Elmo destroyed some random place. Darth Bob managed to make it off the planet alive. However, his planning didn't end there.
Return of Darth Random
Making it back to Coruscant, Lord Bob met with a beautiful young woman named Zoe who worked part-time on Yo-Mamaopolis. The two began dating for several months. However, Bob found it hard to trust Zoe as she was, what many guys consider to be, a drunken slut who spreads her legs for everyone she meets. Her sluttiness almost compares to that of Prairie Dawn, who would often seek thrills by dressing up as a four year-old schoolgirl. However, Bob had to put his fears to rest as he found that his four-hour lecture on the importance of green beans to society did not in fact kill his master, only boring him into unconsciousness. Random was now living on a desert planet believed to be the Jawa homeworld. Upon arriving to the planet he found a very distressed, and very alive, Darth Jawa, who had thought to have been killed years before by Jawa's apprentice, Darth Elmo. Apparently someone drank fifty gallons of Jawa juice and didn't pay!!! Using the Force, Bob could feel that this was Random. Darth Jawa agreed to help Bob, and the two ran after Random (being led by some conveniently placed tracks). Eventually, the two Sith Lords caught up with a very tired and very drunk Darth Random. Bob pulled out his Big Book of Gay Insults and Jawa revved up his juicer. However, Jawa's juicer backfired and turned Jawa into Jawa juice, himself. Bob restated his mastery of Force bore to death by boring Random, showing him how to fluff nerfs. Random, realizing that there was now way to survive this attack, took one last gulp of Darth Jawa, just before being killed.
Returning home
Upon returning home, Darth Bob was shocked to find that his girlfriend, Zoe, was pregnant. What was even more shocking was that Bob had never even slept with Zoe. Nine months later, Darth Bob found that his brother, Darth Elmo was in fact the father of the child. This upset Bob very much. It was enough to push him over the edge. Darth Bob formed a group of renegade Sith called the "Suicide Darths", which consisted of six other losers coolness-impaired Sith; Darth Asshole, Darth Boner, Darth Fat Guy, Darth Grotesque, Darth Banana and Darth Megatron. Darth Elom supposedly tried to join, but Darth Bob rejected him because his name was so similar to "Elmo". Together, the group devised the ultimate plan to get revenge on Darth Elmo by puppet-napping him.
The Suicide Darths needed someone to get on the inside, gain Elmo's trust and then betray him. Bob sent Darth Megatron to do the job, knowing Elmo's love of machines that destroy things. After a month of gaining Elmo's trust, Megatron led the puppet into a trap; the bathroom. While sitting on a toilet reading a Muppet porn magazine, Darth Fat Guy ran into the bathroom and sat on Elmo, trapping him under the massive blob. This nearly killed Elmo, but just rendered him heavily unconscious. Next thing they did was took Elmo outside and got him liquored up. Elmo, so drunk he could barely feel his fur, began doing the hokey-pokey. During this, Bob began remembering all of the horrible things of his past. The man decided it was time to tell Elmo the horrible truth that they were in fact siblings. But first, Darth Bob set Elmo on fire, just to watch him burn. The Sith Lord made sure he captured all of this on video. However, little did they know Elmo's secret apprentice, Darth Animal, was lurking behind every corner, ready to rescue his master. Darth Banana, who had bribed his way into becoming the ringleader of the Sith Lord's, abused his former apprentice, by making him watch the Darth Barney Show intro continuously until Darth Elmo wished for death.
At this point, the entire galaxy knew about Elmo's kidnapping. Bob knew the time had come to reveal his true, made-up self to his brother. Sitting the badly bruised Sith Lord in a chair, Bob asked Elmo about what happened to his family. Elmo told him of how he killed his parents after they wanted a second child. Bob revealed that in fact, they wanted a third child. Bob was actually Elmo's long-lost brother.
Shortly after the revelation of Bob being Elmo's brother, Darth Animal struck. Slaughtering all of the other Sith (minus Darth Banana) and freeing his master, Darth Elmo, Animal, Bob and Darth Banana engaged in a very short lightsaber duel, just before Animal Wookiee-Nookied Bob close to death and threw Darth Banana into a vat of blue milk. Darth Bob was able to escape, however, and only hours after his escape, uploaded the footage of Elmo's torture to YouTube so the entire galaxy could see how wimpy the Sith Lord really was.[1] Finally, after days of being tortured, Elmo was at peace. Surviving the tortures, Darth Elmo grew more and more evil by the day as the hunt for Bob and any remaining Sith Lord's continued. Darth Bob was then forced into exile, changing his name back to his birth-name, Bob and getting extensive plastic surgery to look entirely different (much uglier).
Revenge on Bert and Ernie
Bob now found himself doing what he had done the most during his training: sleeping, shitting, jerking off to "Afro-Grannies" and generally doing nothing, only this time in exile. Over the course of the next few years, Bob kept this up until he learned of his brother's death. Elmo had killed himself in what the Sith would later call "the ultimate act of treachery". Bob was not saddened to hear this news in the least, but still attended the funeral of his sibling. However, now that Elmo was dead, Bob could return to the Sith once more as Darth Bob and rage war against the homosexuals, starting with Bert and Ernie. After years of planning, Darth Bob once again stalked the couple outside their bachelor-pad, this time taping the couple doing acts that I, Hugh Hefner, care not to talk about. Bob had what he wanted and released the video into the public. This time, Darth Bob's plan was a success as Ernie, who had since joined with the Yuuzhan Vong and destroyed your Chewbacca, became so depressed, he shrunk to a mere 199,999 pounds. The depression became too much for Ernie to handle, and he strapped a bomb to himself and blew himself into a gazillion pieces in a move later named "destroy your Ernie". Bert, who had now turned Sesame Street into a liquor store, was so distraught that he attempted to kill Darth Bob after chugging a six-pack. Bert failed, however, as Darth Bob killed the drunken puppet. Feeling completion, Bob decided to move on and form an empire of his own.
An Empire
While searching for an army of his own, Lord Bob found a planet of Banana Peels who worshiped him as a god. Two seconds later, Darth Bob sent his new army off to die against fight Darth Darth Binks' own Empire so Bob could dominate it. Along with the Banana Peels, Bob would battle Binks himself. That’s really too bad for Bob. After a millisecond and the loss of all four limbs, Bob stabbed himself through the chest. That’s right, he really is a looooooser! And to add insult to it, the Banana Peels joined with Binks.
Legacy
Darth Bob was remembered, if anyone did in fact remember him, as an idiot Sith who had it coming. The end.
Personality and traits
- "Uh, wait... gimme a minute. I need to think of something cool to say..."
- ―Darth Bob on being quoted
Darth Bob was a pathetic fatass that was also coolness-impaired for his entire life. Bob, unlike most Sith, never destroyed a planet. Yes, this did contribute to his loserness.
Powers and abilities
Bob was a master of the rarely used Force bore to death. But other than that, he pretty much sucked.
Appearances
Sources
- Darth Bob: The Biography I Would Have Written Had I Not Been Whooped by a Gungan
- Darth Bob: The Inappropriate Side of a Sith
- The Pop-up Encyclopedia of Sith Lords
