Darth Banana
| |
| Darth Banana | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld |
The Fruit Bowl |
| Born |
Sometime |
| Died |
Possibly sometime around...now |
| Physical description | |
| Species |
What the hell do you think?! |
| Gender |
Male/Pedofile |
| Height |
Tall but squishy |
| Hair color |
None |
| Eye color |
Drawn on |
| Cybernetics |
His Ding Dong |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Era(s) |
All of them |
| Affiliation |
|
| Known masters | |
| Known apprentices |
|
- "Join me, <insert name here> , and I will make your face the greatest in Koridai, OR ELSE YOU WILL DIE!"
- ―What Darth Banana says to get people to join him
Darth Banana also known as Darth Banana the Unholy or better known as Satan is known as one of the most powerful Sith of all time and was a former Sith Mega-Super-Overlord and Socialist Revolutionary. He is nearly as old as Kermit and plans to rule the Universe with a Squishy Fist. He is also the second master of Darth Elmo, one of the most evil beings of all time. He joined the ranks of the Sith when he was mistreated by his fellow Jedi and his newly made-master; Mace Windu. He was trained by Darth Dateline NBC and became very strong in the Dark Side. After being named Darth Banana by his master he attempted to take revenge but got his ass kicked. He formed the Yum-Yum Confederation by rallying an army of Lemons, Oranges, and Apples and attempted to destroy the universe, but Darth Banana was foiled when his army was eaten by a ravenous horde of vegetarians and other hippies. Darth Banana escaped somehow though. He was snooping around the woods when he messed with God's woman, he got thrown down a well. He later ditched his former master in the Middle East. He trained Darth Plagueis and only 16 years ago trained Darth Elmo for a brief period of time, who failed him utterly. He initiated the Great Universe War (and was partly responsible for the Yuuzhan Vong War), the death toll being 360 Dectrillion, and by the end of it, was presumed dead once more. After training his last few apprentices (five in total, Darth Chav being the 3rd), he retired to Korriban and lived inside a chamber-pot for some years, before being captured by the authorities and crammed into an escape pod and jettisoned into Jabba the Hutt's butt crack. Despite this, he is reported to be still at large.
Biography
Early Life & Becoming a Jedi
Darth Banana was born to a relatively peaceful environment in the Fruit Bowl, in the Unknown Regions near the Soviet Union. He was always a bully, eating his fellow students at St. Palpatine's School for Incredibly Criminal Boys. He eventually became a menace to society (NOTE: He passed some of his secrets of Anti-Socialism to his apprentice Darth Chav, a.k.a. Jax Pavan.) and nobody liked him. He survived many assassination attempts possibly orchestrated by Yum-Yum Pong. He eventually murdered all his imaginary friends and family and left home in search of a better future.
Sometime during this time, he met Mace-muthafucking-Windu, who took him under his muthafucking-wing and brought him to the Hippie Dope Shack. His muthafucking master usually beat him up and pwn'd him every day. The young banana became a victim of racism and was bullied frequently by the other Fruits. He was also bullied by the teachers, especially his cooking teacher, in which every lesson involved making banana-affiliated food. The cause for his misery may have come from the events of the Even Newer Sith Wars in which the Banana Alliance had joined the Sith cause for galactic peace.
He once attempted to masturbate to amuse himself, but was saddened to find that most banana's do not have a penis and build his own one. He failed and just turned the 'penis' into an appliance to be an arm that integrated into spaceships. The R2-D2 sex arm was born.
He was also strong in the Force, one time, pulling a Super Star Destroyer onto a McDonalds which ended in a lawsuit that claimed much of the unfortunate Padawan's money. This made him really pissed and gave him a strong hatred of Lawyers. To add to his misery, one Christmas, he was given two presents, one a yellow lightsaber (very racist), and a video entitled Sex Rampage XVIII, but it was in fact a very upsetting (to bananas) recording of making a banana milkshake. The young banana had had enough, and begun to look at the reaaally old holocrons in the Jedi temple, and too his delight, found they were mostly porn films. But one day, Mace-muthafucking-Windu got really pissed after nearly being PWN'D by a girly little kid with a bucket on his head and started to peel his apprentice. Then, it happened...
The Great Tragedy and Fall to the Dark Side
- Darth Banana: "I have had enough of the **** ways of the Jedi, I don't need nobody bitch! **** you!"
- Mace Windu: "I AM SO MUTHAFUCKING TIRED OF ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKING DARK JEDI, IN THIS MUTHAFUCKING GALAXY!"
- — Darth Banana and Mace Windu on turning to the Dark Side
Darth Banana struck out at his master and punched him in the face, knocking him into a conveniently placed hole and nearly (completlely if not for God planning to mug Mace Windu and get some publicity) PWNing one of the greatest-muthafucking-badass-muthafuckers of all time. In his rage, he slaughtered 2,507,318 fellow Padawans and squished all the Banana's in the local Supermarket. Horrified at what he had done, (the banana's of cause, the Padawans could go to Hell for all he cared) ran away from home and vowed never to go to Coruscant, even though he still went there form groceries and to visit his long-deceased Aunt.
One visit, he met the great Darth Dateline NBC, while working at the local Burrito King, who sensed the Dark Side within him. Darth Dateline NBC took the banana back to his lair and began training him in the ways of evil. Darth Banana, under his master's guidance, started his own chat show named Chatana-Banana. Sadly though, most people didn't take the show seriously and took it as a Darthipedia prank. Furious, Darth Banana trained vigorously and became the only person to finish the Sith trials without becoming something like this ever. He was named Darth Banana, Dark Lord of the Fruit. and began his reign of terror.
The Yum-Yum Confederation
Using everything he had learnt from his master, he gathered an army of food from around the galaxy, assembling one of the greatest fighting forces in known history. He destroyed many vegetarian-inhabited worlds and was achieving his ultimate goal-Destroy your universe, until the battle of Rosemary Blossom hill. What happened was a massacre... no... pure murder. As the thousands of Fruit gathered to wait for the army the Galactic Republic had sent for them, a force nearly OVER 9000 times there size emerged in a dazzle of sunlight...
Millions of Hippies, Vegetarians and Alderaanians emerged from hiding places and descended upon the Food. A bloodbath followed. The attacking vegetables were decimated within a millisecond, and utterly destroyed within one second. Darth Banana somehow survived to fight another day. Feeling rather pissed, he found a mysterious house in the woods and broke into it. He ate all the cookies in the cupboard and had weird sex with some chick called Jan. He also broke all the beds (he was very overweight by this time) and didn't flush the toilet. Five minutes later, a the three bears God came home and found what had happened, he put Darth Banana through much torment like beard rape and then threw him down a well. After losing all his money gambling, he had a huge argument with Darth Dateline NBC which ended in Darth Banana ditching him on Tatooine.
Training his first Apprentice
While on vacation it the Unknown Regions, he met an young, deformed thing called Plug, who was strong in the Dark Side. Darth Banana eventually kidnapped the Gungan. The young abomination refused to join him at first, but after Darth Banana put him through some of his...special treatment, he obliged. Over the next decade Darth Banana taught the thing (which was named Darth Plagueis for some reason) how to do the nasty which Midi-chlorians like make loved ones live longer, regrow body parts, live forever, feel really... reeeeaaaaaally gooooood... and make your penis longer. They joined a gang called The KKK: Sith Lord's Branch, without realizing it was the Ku Klux Klan: Stupid Inbred Terrifying Homophobes and Laughable O'ribble Racist Dumbasses Branch. They couldn't care less.
The group was eventually wiped out by a reborn Mace-Motherfucking-Windu. Thanks to his knack of surviving tricky situations, he escaped. After about ten years of training his young Paddywack, he released Darth Plagueis into the wild, who almost immediately started being a bit of a ne'er-do-well. With nothing to do, Darth Banana became so bored, he attempted suicide several times all of them failing because :
1. He did not have a neck to hang himself by.
2. He had no real stomach so cyanide poison wouldn't work.
3. His skin was especially tough so he couldn't get squished or splatted
4. However, he was mouldy inside and nobody wanted to eat him.
5. He was waterproof so he couldn't drown.
6. Nobody wanted to sell him weapons because he smelled like shit and his lightsaber was made of rubber.
He gained great prominence in the secret Sith order because all the others were so stupid, even a banana could usurp control more successfully than any of them.
Second Apprentice
After spending several decades in hibernation, he awoke sometime during the Whatever era of stupidity (aka the Rise of the Empire era). After living in a cardboard box behind Tesco's for some time, he went out in search of a new apprentice. He eventually found a new apprentice in young Darth Elmo, who's former master had asked Darth Banana to continue his training. The furry Sith Lord was arrogant and thought that the old Sith teachings were a load of Bullshit. Darth Banana continuously raped Elmo, which made the young Dark Jedi more twisted and evil.
After spending several years attempting to train rowdy Darth Elmo, Darth Banana was voted Miss Evil Villain of the Hour which improved his temper considerably. At one point they journeyed to the homeworld of ET in order to investigate the crisis that had been caused by the Milky Way Bar famine. Darth Banana became so fat during this time that he had to be carried around by sedan chair for the next three years. Darth Elmo learned a lot during this time, but it was not to last. As a proper test for Darth Elmo, Darth Banana took him to the Annual Sith Apprentice Show. The whole thing ended in disaster when Elmo murdered his competitors and raped the judges. Darth Banana and Darth Elmo were forced to be shamed by the Sith Order and given a six-week ban from Darthipedia. Darth Banana threw his apprentice out into the gutter and abandoned him. Sometime later, Elmo fell in with the dangerous Sesame Street.
Darth Banana was busted soon afterwards for infecting so many people with HIV, although he escaped. By this time, he had mutated into a full banana.
