Darth Animal
| |
| Darth Animal | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld | |
| Born |
A big mistake |
| Died |
Killed himself |
| Physical description | |
| Species |
Mandalorian-Wookiee Hybrid |
| Gender | |
| Height |
About 1.2 meters |
| Hair color |
Red and black |
| Eye color |
Yellow-ish |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Affiliation | |
| Known masters |
Darth Elmo (informal) |
| Known apprentices |
No, he's too unstable for an apprentice |
- "Mess with Darth Animal you do not, for glass he eats, man."
- ―Yoda warning his Padawans about Darth Animal
Darth Animal, born Animal Goldberg-Fett, was a raging madman from Kashyyyk. Born to a Mandalorian father and a Wookiee mother (which technically made him a Klingon), he was Darth Elmo's main enforcer because he Pwnd ultimate due to his unique heritage. His official Sesame Street title was Darth Elmo's Hand. He destroyed three planets before joining Sesame Street, impressing Darth Elmo so much that he was given the moniker Darth and a less subtle one. His main task in the Sesame Street organization was to utterly destroy anyone who would oppose his masters rule. he was in fact the last line of defense for Darth Elmo the Treacherous. Later in his career, he used Force disco in the horrible Twi'lek Purge, and afterward escaping Darth Darth Binks's wrath using only his primal cunning. His end came when he "argued" with Kermit on who had the better lightsaber form (Darth Animal's Jar'Kai vs. Kermit's Ataru).
Biography
Born from raw rage
Once upon a time on Kashyyyk, an inebriated Mandalorian trooper named Cassus Fett, who was also high on spice, tried to pick a fight with Wookiee Goldberg, an insane female Wookiee. Little did he know that the Wookiee had Tatooinian rabies and was in fact a fearsome Madclaw! The short fight ended up in Wookiee-Nookie, with the Mando impregnating the hairy woman. Three weeks later, a premature Animal was born, resulting in him becoming a Madclaw! just like his mother.
Ultimate PWNerer
- "Cookie??"
- ―Cookie Monster offering Animal a truce
Because he was born a Madclaw!, Animal PWN3D everything he could get his little hairy hands on. As a mere toddler, he had destroyed four villages and one spaceport. The Wookiee Elders tried to outcast him, only to be PWND themselves. As a last resort, the remaining Wookiee Elder Council members hired Sesame Street to take care of the horrible threat. Darth Elmo and Cookie Monster soon confronted Animal, but before the vicious fight could erupt, Darth Elmo sensed something in Animal that he had not sensed since the death of his lord, Big Bird. Ordering Cookie Monster to recruit him into the Sesame Street ranks, Elmo believed that this madman could be somewhat of a return of his slain god. Animal agreed, but before he was given his bones, he had to prove himself worthy by destroying as many planets as he could within one week.
Claim to fame
Dropped on the world of Ossus near a Jedi Academy, Animal PWN3D nineteen Jedi Masters, eighty-eight Jedi Knights and one-hundred and seven Padawans with his bare, though hairy, hands. His mere presence corrupted the Force at the Academy and in a huge Dark Side whirlwind, Animal received the knowledge to make his own lightsabers from the refuse—poorly, might I add. With Ossus destroyed, Animal had two more planets to destroy. He traveled to Malachor IX and PWN3D it with Force bash within four hours. With one planet to go, he went to Melmac, brutalizing the inhabitants and destroying the planet, rendering local resident Gordon Shumway homeless. Animal had finished his quest, thereafter known as "PWNAGE-A-TROIS".
Sesame Street
- "You are an Animal. You make Elmo proud. Henceforth, you will be known as...Darth Animal. You will answer to me, and only to me...Bitch."
- ―Darth Elmo the Treacherous to Darth Animal the Maniac
Returning to Darth Elmo, he was given the title Darth and Bitch. Paranoid as Darth Elmo was he kept the existence of Darth Animal hidden from most of the Sesame Street members, Cookie Monster was kept silent with the promise of Cookies, Unlimited Cookies and Kermit who also knew of his existence had already left the Sesame Street ranks. Grover, Bert and Ernie never had the slightest clue that Darth Animal the Maniac was watching them closely from the shadows. His first official assignment was the destruction of Ryloth, as the consequence of Darth Elmo's intolerance towards Twi'leks. Obliterating the Twi'lek turf and eating most of its inhabitants. This feat pissed Darth Darth Binks intensely off since he loved Twi'leks, personally confronting Darth Animal and killing him. Unbeknown to the Gungan Sith Mega-Super-Overlord, Darth Animal was not defeated due to his primal cunning and playing possum. Darth Animal returned to his master and was promoted to Sith Underlord.
Dick Smith Deez Nuts
After many years of living alone, Dick Smith Deez Nuts, who was now a Madclaw! thanks to a powerful bite from his own creation, Wookiee Goldberg, grew more and more insane. Years prior, Deez Nuts with help from Bob Barker killed Big Bird, the leader of The Brotherhood of the Bird and used his guttings to create Wookiee Goldberg, Animal's mother. Light years away on a distant world, Darth Elmo, who was attending the funeral of Darth Pillsbury, could feel Deez Nuts inside of him using the Force. Elmo quickly prepared his secret apprentice to find and exterminate Deez Nuts. The two, after many days of searching for Deez Nuts, eventually found him hiding in a cave on Kashyyyk watching the Spice Channel. Upon seeing Animal, the doctor immediately knew he was the son of Wookiee and somewhat of his own grandson. However, he also knew he had to kill the two. Each person grabbed their lightsabers. Unfortunately, Deez Nuts' hands were completely lubed up from earlier, causing the lightsaber to slip and stab the doctor. Elmo and Animal walked off pissed because they traveled light years to just watch some old coot stab himself and die.
Mission to Yo-Mamaopolis
Elmo was sent to the world of Yo-Mamaopolis on a mission to exterminate an un-powerful "threat": Gunter, life partner of Pillsbury. Gunter was deeply upset with Elmo for killing the white puff and used an X-wing to wreak havoc on Yo-Mamaopolis. While there, Animal was able to warn Elmo before Gunter killed him. Not long after, Elmo killed Gunter. After this, Lord Elmo knew the time had come to get his own personal revenge on someone he had grown hatred toward.
Darth Bob
Months later, to the shock of Animal, he found that Darth Bob had kidnapped his master for knocking his girlfriend up. Animal began his attack on the group of Bob's renegade Sith, the "Suicide Darths" and quickly freed Darth Elmo. He then proceeded to Wookiee-Nookie everyone around him, including Bob. However, Bob amazingly escaped death and plotted his revenge
The Duck Wars
Due to a conflict of interests between the Sesame Street and a new planet destruction team, the Daffia, a war broke out. Elmo kept Animal away from the fighting, until he found a special task for him: the assassination of his Daffia counterpart, Darth Ducky. The Puppet Sith Mega-Super-Overlord sent him to deal with the fanatic, four-armed Duck.
Animal quickly found his target and impulsively engaged him in an EPIC duel. Many local living targets inhabitants and fighting soldiers had ceased their activities and started to observe the struggle. Six red-colored blades were whirling and twisting with maniacal speed, clashing tens of times per second and occasionally cutting those who stood too close. After a few hours of constant battle, no one could gain the upper hand. Ducky's artificially enhanced brain and two extra blades were evenly matched with Animal's genetic inheritance and a Madclaw! nature. Finally, both Sith Underlords had reached their limits and simply fainted. Astonished spectators announced a draw and both sides retreated from the planet. Darth Animal was taken away to the Sesame Street Frigate, where he recovered and prepared for a next task.
Death
Darth Animal's next mission from Lord Elmo was the extermination of Kermit, who was thrown out of Sesame Street on account of failing to destroy a planet. Elmo had grown so much hatred toward the frog, convinced he was the cause of the Brotherhood of the Bird's demise because Elmo was too busy the day of the Brotherhood's apocalypse, dealing with Kermit. His search ended on Tatooine. Kermit, protected by countless Gamorreans and his spouse, Miss Piggy, was well aware of Darth Animal's rage and knew his end was near. Darth Animal sliced right trough his Gamorrean opponents and soon nothing separated Darth Animal from his target. Kermit proved a difficult enemy though, using his Frog abilities and his Ataru skills to dodge Darth Animal's attacks. In a last attempt, Darth Animal used all of his Force powers to PWN his green opponent with Force pwn. Lucky for Kermit, he was so thin that most of the attack missed him completely. Unlucky for Darth Animal, he had used so much of his Force powers in one attack that he injured all of his midi-chlorians. Unable to use the Force, he attacked Kermit mano-a-frogo. Swinging his lightsabers, Animal cut himself in thirty-four pieces. The Sith Underlord was no more and Darth Elmo sought a new apprentice.
Powers and abilities
Darth Animal was a Jar'Kai master, PWN-ing all with his immense rage and crappy-looking lightsabers. Multiple opponents meant nothing to him: all the more to PWN. On the downside, he wasn't particularly intelligent, but he managed to invent new Force abilities such as Force bash and Force disco. He was extremely loyal to Darth Elmo, even going so far as to accept the title of "Bitch" by his master, an insult no other sentient in the galaxy would survive. He almost single-hairy-handedly rid the Galaxy of Twi'leks, with a simple yet deadly dance routine. His powers could possibly stem from the fact that his mother was created from the guttings of Force legend, Big Bird, who was one of the most powerful beings in the galaxy at one time.
Relations controversy
At some point in time, Darth Animal met the furry, blue, cuddly Wookiee-Nookie Monster. The two hit it off like that *snap* and had relations. The damn monster forgot his protection and when he expanded it, Darth Animal was impregnated. After a week of being pregnant, Animal had an abortion and the ugly piece of shit Darth Frazzle was born.
Appearances
