Chewbacca
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| Chewbacca | |
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| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld | |
| Born |
Yes, due to this |
| Died | |
| Physical description | |
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| Height |
Tall |
| Hair color |
Brown |
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| Cybernetics |
As Chewbaccus of Borg |
| Chronological and political information | |
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- "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore."
- ―Chewbacca's favorite song.
Chewbacca, the man-faced dog, was a Wookiee from Kashyyyk who, in his youth, killed Kyle Katarn multiple times on a daily routine. After a short career in acting he became a drug-dealer, pimp, shylock and hitman. After a long career as a freelance criminal, he was assimilated by the Borg. Karen Traviss and her son Derek J. Reda wrote a book about him called How to Win Friends and Influence Wookies and Lando Calrissian created a video game in his honor: Grand Theft Auto: Cloud City.
Biography
Early life
Born to Simon the Killer Ewok and Attichitcuk (Chewbacca's mother remains a mystery), Chewbacca roamed the Shadowlands of Kashyyyk at an early age to hunt for Tach. At a later stage of his youth, he started hunting katarn. He killed Kyle twice a day which resulted in Kyle leaving the planet as he was fed up with constantly re-inKatarnating himself from death at the hands of the mighty Wookiee. Without anything to do, Chewbacca found himself a hobby in acting. His Shakespeare performances were legendary throughout the Mid Rim. After doing this for several years, the Wookiee felt he achieved all he could in acting and decided to pursue his dreams throughout the galaxy.
Meeting Solo
- Chewbacca: "Bark bork burk berk!"
- Han: "Translation: You are all weird losers, yes, even you Gungan idiots out there. He's guilty, get over it, you stupid jury members. Wow. Chewbacca seems pretty calm today."
- — Chewbacca and Han, after Chewbacca distracted all the jury members.
Chewbacca soon found work as a freelance mercenary for the Empire. It was during those missions he met Han Solo, the man who would later become Chewbacca's henchman. During their Imperial battles, Solo would fly off in a TIE fighter with Chewie sitting on the wings. Han would pursue various rebels in space combat and Chewbacca would jump on a rebel fighter and force it to crash on the nearest planet. This amazing feat was a thorn in the side of Imperial officer Kyle Katarn who saw his stocks in ammunition plummet, since no shots were ever fired by TIE fighters. Kyle soon reassigned the pair to the Imperial base on Tatooine to save what little was left of his investment.
While working with Solo on Tatooine, Chewbacca met a Stormtrooper named Dan. This Stormie was looking for a marijuana supplier and it just so happened that Chewie still owned one of the largest cannabis fields on Kashyyyk. Not long after, a deal was made and Chewie became a major player on the intergalactic weed market. This new found wealth made Chewbacca quit Imperial service and launched him into a new career of smuggling illicit goods with Han. One day in his outhouse on Tatooine, Chewbacca was visited by several Sand People under the command of A'Sharad Hett who came on behalf of Jabba Desilijic Tiure to collect protection money. Where the coward Han Solo was running towards the Millennium Falcon to prepare for a quick getaway, Chewbacca had plans of his own and began to choke the Tusken raiders. This humiliated A'Sharad Hett so much that he quit the Hutt's service and began engaging in plundering small and unprotected moisture farms.
A new hope
A couple of years later, Chewbacca and Han were relaxing in Chalmun's Cantina when Chewbacca was approached by the village idiot, Obi-Wan Kenobi and his boy-toy who were in desperate need in transport off planet. As Chewie could not be bothered with negotiations, he forwarded the duo to his slave Han Solo who, at the time, was discussing some business with local thug Greedo, who he then shot. After that, Han paid the bartender which he was reprimanded for by Chewbacca whose mantra was "crime doesn't pay". Chewie went back into the bar and proceeded to beat the living floob out of Wuher and demanded his money back. When the score was settled, Chewie left the bar again, commenting on the bloodstains, dead Rodians and Aqualish limbs that scattered the interior, telling Chalmun to clean his act up because a dirty bar attracts no customers. Not very long after that, they all left Tatooine and plotted a course for Alderaan. While on route to said planet, Chewie engaged in some dejarik with Luke's droid K-bleepio who utterly PWNED the Wookiee. Chewbacca was not amused and proceeded into kicking the droid to slag. After this Luke, only had two droids left. While boarding the Death Star in a heroic attempt to bring stormtrooper Dan his monthly supply of weed, Chewie smelled the sweet royal scent of Alderaanian PMS. These pheromones drove Chewie to the cellblocks and upon opening the door where the scent was the strongest, he discovered the woman who would become one of his number one hoes: Leia Organa Solo.
After finding Leia, he had a discussion with Dan who told him that the cannabis business on board the Death Star was not what he expected it to be because Darth Vader demanded ridiculous discounts. Chewie decided to smuggle Dan off the Death Star as to pursue better markets on the Outer Rim.
When they got to the Rebel Base to put Leia's skill to the test, Chewie and Han quickly left to find a good planet to put Dan to work on, ignoring the begging of the Rebel Alliance to stay and help them blow up the Death Star as the Rebels did not offer them enough cash for his superior skills. After they dropped Dan on Raxux Prime, Chewie wanted to see the Rebels get pwnd by the Empire in their attack on the Death Star. At one point, he saw Luke being chased by Darth Vader and because of this Chewbacca decided that this was a good opportunity for some revenge on the man who cheated him and Dan out of so much money. The mighty Chewbacca blasted Vader right out of his course. As this happened, Kyle Katarn was floating in space at the time and wanted to shoot Chewbacca to oblivion with his Bryar pistol so he could finally have his revenge for all the times Chewie killed him on Kashyyyk. Chewie evaded the blast and Kyle's single shot blew up the Death Star. The Rebels then gave the Millennium Falcon an honor escort to their base and in the subsequent ceremony, Han and Luke got their medals while Chewie did not. This was because the Rebels were ignorant speciesists who didn't care for any other life than human. A severely pissed off Chewbacca then put a blaster in the face of Leia and demanded his medal as he could not wait for the MTV awards.
Empire strikes back
- «Nice tibanna factory you have here... it would be a shame if something were to "happen" to it.»
- ―Chewbacca shaking down Lando[src]
The Rebels opened up a new franchise on Hoth and of course, Chewbacca was horny so he decided to Wookiee-Nookie some Wampas. After he came back to base, Luke was all ears when Chewie mentioned his exploits Luke decided to do the same. This nearly cost him his life and were it not for Han, Luke would have died. Having checked his account, Chewie noticed his funds were a bit low and more money was to be made, so he threw a dart on a map of the galaxy and the location it landed on was Bespin. Not very long after that, Chewbacca, Han and Leia traveled to Cloud City in order to extort the local Baron Administrator for some regular income. As they landed, they were greeted by Lando Calrissian, the said Baron Administrator. After Chewbacca made him an offer he couldn't refuse, Lando amazingly refused and called in the help of one of Chewbacca's main opponents, Darth Vader, who went on to freeze Chewie's slave Han Solo in carbonite as an example to anyone who wanted to cut in on the Dark Lord's action. Angered by Vader's actions, Chewie blew up Cloud City as a lesson to Vader. He left a message to the dark lord stating: "Don't mess with my bitches or my profits, or I'll put a cap in your ass."
Return of the Jedi
With Han out of the picture for the time being it was time for Leia to work the streets of Nar Shadada to earn her keep. While Leia was entertaining a group of Duros businessmen, Chewie was in one of the local cantinas picking the pockets of passed out drunks. In a wallet of a Bothan he just robbed he found a holo of his former henchman Han Solo who was on display on Jabba's palace on Tatooine. Enraged by this insult, he figured it was time for him to win back is street credibility by claiming back what was his. He stormed into the hotel room where Leia was working and beat the Duros businessman into submission. He then later held them for ransom and when their families paid him, he killed them and sold their ship for some fast credits. Chewbacca's first stop was on Taris where he barged into a local weight watchers office and stole the clothes of one of their Ubese customers to disguise Leia in an attempt to infiltrate the Hutt's palace. This worked well and soon they were admitted into Jabba's throneroom. This deceit would not fool the Hutt lord for long as Bib Fortuna smelled the sweet poontang scent emerging from Leia's disguise. As Chewie prepared to make bacon out of the Gamorrean guards, Jabba made Chewbacca an offer he couldn't refuse. He sold Leia for a hefty fee plus Han Solo and afterward he was invited to go on a little trip on Jabba's sail barge. All was well until Luke entered the scene, failing some mind tricks. Not long after, he was to be thrown into the Sarlacc pit as amusement. An angered and inebriated Chewbacca wanted to push Luke into the pit himself. Instead, the Wookiee accidentally tripped, falling into the pit. It took Chewie a good ten minutes before emerging from the sand outraged. Killing the Sarlacc was not enough to quench his bloodthirst so he jumped back on board, only to be confronted by Luke with an ignited lightsaber in his hands. Chewbacca deflected the lightsaber with his bare hands and showed Luke he was still the skipper of his operation by putting Luke over his knees and spanking him into submission. He then ordered Leia to choke the corpulent host and soon the reunited party was on their way to the forest moon of Endor for some well earned holiday. While at the location of their vacation, (this rhymes) some local Ewoks found an interest in Leia. Negotiations were short and a deal was soon made. To celebrate this event, the Ewoks tried to sacrifice Luke to what they thought was a prophet of their main deity, HK-47. Luke escaped with the help of his daddy to the second Death Star and Chewie joyrided an metal chicken. In the meanwhile, Lando blew up the Death Star on Chewbacca's orders to get rid of Vader once and for all. After returning to the forest moon of Endor, Luke began crying that his father had died. Chewbacca slapped Luke around a bit and threw the redeemed Anakin Skywalker on the ceremonial barbecue to celebrate his victory.
Sith career
With the Emperor and Darth Vader out of the picture Chewie decided to fill in the void they left and became a Sith Lord named Drrrrrth Furrrrr. George Lucas complained about this since he wanted no more Wookiee Jedi, Dark Jedi or Sith introduced in the Expanded Universe so Chewbacca tore his arms off and beat him to death with them. He had a hard time being a Sith, though, since he was not Force-sensitive. Not long after, he resigned his position, never having trained an apprentice.
Life with the Borg
- « I am Chewbaccus of Borg, resistance is futile. »
- ―Chewbaccus of Borg.
A few years later, Chewie was abducted by the Borg in their quest to take over the galaxy. They assimilated Chewie into one of their own and thus Chewie became known as Chewbaccus of Borg. He was given his personal Borg Cube and the mission to lead the first attack volley on the galaxy. Chewbaccus destroyed many planets, moons and Muuns in the first years of his mission. The GFFA were pushed with their backs against the wall and not even the combined forces of the Mandalorians, Starfleet and The Conglomerate of Energetic, eccentric, caffeine-obsessed, hyper bunnies that kill a lot of people could stop Chewbaccus and his Borg Cube from decimating the galaxy
The only problem was the fact that the Borg and Chewbaccus had their fair share of communications failure as the Borg could not understand Shyriiwook. Chewbaccus, however, did understand Borg basic, though he just didn't care to listen to it. This gave the GFFA the time to contact the Yuuzhan Vong who would intervene in the conflict in the nick of time.
Yuuzhan Vong bastards
To take care of Chewbaccus, the Yuuzhan Vong laid a trap at Sernpidal in the form of a Stuffed Bantha Deluxe model, (the only thing Chewbaccus's son craved for Life Day) and hid on the planet's moon waiting to spring the trap. Not long after, Chewbaccus got the message that the Stuffed Bantha Deluxe model was to be found at Sernpidal, so he landed his personal Borg Cube on said planet. The Vong then shot Sernpidals moon to the planets surface and Chewbaccus attempted to head-butt the moon back into orbit, but unfortunately failed and was squished into hairy paste. The mighty Chewbaccus was dead.
Legacy
Because of his foul temper, Chewie went to hell. Once there, he proceeded to overthrow its regime by challenging Satan to a game of dejarik with the ownership of hell as purse. Satan won this game so Chewie ripped off the devils arms as any Wookiee would do after losing a game of dejarik. The mighty furrball then became Darth Chewbacca, Dark Lord of Hades and ruled the underworld with a hairy fist for eternity.
When Lumpawaroo heard of Chewbacca's death, he changed his name to Lumpy to honor his father's sacrifice.
Personality and traits
Chewbacca was known to have searched Wookieepedia often to understand the meaning of Life Day. He also sired an illegitimate, very furry child with Leia (amazing she survived conception). Leia thought the boy was cute, but that didn't stop an enraged Han from throwing him out the medcenter's window, just as he later said he wished he'd done to his son, that bastard Jacen. Get it? This half-Wookiee kid was literally a bastard, and Jacen was — Oh, never mind... Anyway, Leia was heartbroken, and Han suffered thereafter from a badly bruised ego ("she'd rather screw the walking carpet than me?")
Chewie was killed by the Yuuzhan Vong when they dropped a moon on his head. YOU BASTARDS!!!
Behind the scenes
Chewbacca was so powerful, it took a combination of destroy your planet and destroy your moon to kill him. The combination was named after him to honor the mighty Wookiee.
Chewy was renowned for his promiscuity, having even sired a South Park episode with either Trey Parker or Matt Stone, whoever was stoned enough to survive the ordeal.
Chewy was the last known person to crack an "all your base" joke without sounding like a cheesy out-dated dork.
Unconfirmed sightings suggest that Chewbacca survived and is now living on tropical island disguised as a carpet.
