Cal Omas
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| Cal Omas | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Born |
1959 |
| Died |
2040 |
| Physical description | |
| Gender | |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Affiliation | |
- "You people annoy me. Greatly."
- ―Cal Omas, to the Jedi Council
Cal Omas was The Dude of the Galactic Republic. Despite this, no one knew what he looked like. He was also known to enjoy kippers for breakfast, since everyone would have them in Texas, all Texans being millionaires. Elected to lead the Galactic Alliance during the Yuuzhan Vong War, he did a brilliant job until he started taking advice from his close friend Darth Bush.
Biography
Early Life
Cal Omas was born in Texas in 1959, the heir to the Omas oil foundry on Alderaan. Unfortunately, Alderaan was destroyed during a movie production in 1977, and an utterly broke Cal was drafted into the Rebel Alliance military. However, he never showed up for service. He spent the next 48 years as a male sex slave.
Leader of the Galactic Alliance
- "Even though neither I, nor any of my secret agents or weapons inspectors, know where the Killiks live, we're fairly certain that they have weapons of mass destruction."
- ―Cal Omas
In 2025, Cal was in his sixties, and no longer sexually attractive, and so was released from bondage. Unfortunately, at that time the Yuuzhan Vong were invading the galaxy, and Cal narrowly missed being melted by plasma on several occasions. After the suicide of Borsk Fey'lya, the New Republic Senate couldn't decide on a leader, and elected Cal when he wandered into the chamber looking for a soda. Cal's first seven years as Chief of State (2027-2034) were an outstanding success. He brutally hammered the Yuuzhan Vong, heroically sacrificing millions of personnel and droids in the process, until the aliens had been practically annihilated. He then asked for the Yuuzhan Vong's surrender, got it, and killed the rest of them. He spent the next few years enjoying the good life and eating kippers, which he claimed "beat the shit out of Mon Cal ice-lobster, and are even better than Wookiee chips!" He was also known to surf dating sites during this period, though with no success whatsoever.
Mistakes, Disgrace, and Ignominious Death
In 2035, when Cal was 76 and showing signs of Alzheimer's, he heard about the Killiks, and received the Killik ambassador in his quarters. He hated bugs, and asked his good buddy George W. Bush (who was almost 90 at the time) what to do with them. Once Bush understood the question, he replied, "Nuculate 'em." Cal deceived the citizens of the GA into thinking that the Killiks had WMDs, and the Swarm War began. Unfortunately, the Killiks managed to infest his bedroom, grossing Cal out so much that he had to ask for peace terms. Cal's blunders outraged the Galactic Senate, who impeached him and put him under house arrest where he couldn't hurt anyone else. He died in 2040, at the age of 81, when Ben Skywalker, Whiney's son, impaled him on his lightsaber; Ben claimed that Cal just wanted to see how it worked, and pushed the ignition button while the blade end was pointing towards him. It sounds kinda suspicious, but knowing Cal, that may well be what actually happened.
