Bouncer
| |
| Bouncer | |
|---|---|
| Planet of origin | |
| Height of average adult |
1 to 2 meters diameter |
| Hair color |
Green |
| Eye color |
Blue |
| Distinctions |
They're balls |
- "We must put an end to the bloodshed. We've all seen too many body bags and ball sacks."
- ―Jedi negotiator, on Ruusan
Bouncers were round, floating creatures native to Ruusan. They were nearly spherical, somewhat hairy, with irregular surfaces and throbbing veins... they looked like balls, people. Do I have to spell it out for you? Not baseballs, not basketballs, not footballs, but giant floating testicles. Whenever two of them floated side by side, galactic censors actually blurred the image. That's how much they looked like balls.
Their homeworld was the site of a great battle between the Jedi and the Brotherhood of Darkness, a weenie Sith faction. The Sith tormented the Bouncers whenever they could... because the Sith enjoyed kicking balls. (On a side note, Bouncers could actually be used in sports. As their name implies, they were very bouncy and made excellent basketballs, in theory. Unfortunately, in practice, most basketball players refused to touch the Bouncers with their bare hands.)
Bouncers were sort of telepathic and spoke in a weird cursive singsong, like an E.E. Cummings poem. In the latter stages of the Jedi-Sith War, the Sith began burning the Bouncers' forests in order to deprive the Jedi of ground cover. This also ended up killing many Bouncers... oh, the stench of charred balls hung over the battlefield for weeks. The surviving balls, er, Bouncers went berserk and began attacking everything, because they were telepathically unhinged by all the deaths, so that even the Jedi were forced to put the damn things out of their misery.
A young Darth Zannah, then known as "Rain," had befriended the Bouncers because she loved balls so much. One of the balls had saved her life, and they were traveling together. When a Jedi mistakenly shot her Bouncer friend, she became incensed, shouting, "You shot my balls!" and using her innate Force powers to snap his puny little neck.
A few Bouncers survived the war on Ruusan, in scattered tribes. They had a prophecy of a great Jedi Knight returning to free the trapped souls in the Valley of the Jedi. The figure in their prophecy turned out to be... Kyle Katarn! Holy crap. Kyle Katarn made the Bouncers stay at least three feet away from him at all times.
The Bouncers only drank coffee. But, since they had no arms to make coffee with, their species was ultimately doomed from the start.
Anyway, to sum up, balls. Balls, balls, balls.
Notes
The Bouncers' only natural enemies are Star Wars Fanboys who enjoy making obscene innuendoes about them being 'balls' and giggling like schoolgirls. Well, I have news for you, pathetic Fanboys: they don't look like testicles. They look like sperm. Gawd, you're all dumb.
