Big Bird
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| Our lord, Big Bird | |
|---|---|
| Biographical information | |
| Homeworld | |
| Born | |
| Died | |
| Physical description | |
| Species | |
| Gender | |
| Height |
8' 3 |
| Hair color |
Yellow, duuuuhhhh! |
| Eye color |
Two |
| Chronological and political information | |
| Era(s) | |
| Affiliation |
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| Known apprentices |
Many |
Big Bird, also known as The Winged One, was a holy parakeet from Nestus and leader of the Brotherhood of the Bird. Believed to be able to use the Force in amazing ways, his followers aspired to learn his techniques. Big Bird tragically died when the infamous enemy to the Brotherhood, Dr. Dick-Smith Deez Nuts, gutted the bird, right after Bob Barker castrated him. His intestines would later go to use in the creation of Wookiee Goldberg, who would later give birth to Darth Animal. It was believed that his Force powers were passed down from Big Bird.
Biography
Birth
When Big Bird was born on Nestus in 69 BBY, he found himself alone as his siblings were tragically eaten by hunters, of which the sight tragically left him mentally ill for many years to come. Big Bird flew to an unknown asteroid where he lived until 55 BBY. There, his mental illness got the better of him. Believing to be the almighty lord C-3PO of Endor, he developed his own religion. At first, it was named the "The Big Bird Communism," but after dealing with eighteen wars against himself, he decided to change it to the much more appropriate "Brotherhood of the Bird."
New beginnings
In 55 BBY, Big Bird found himself flying to Tatooine where he met a young Jawa with a name that could not be pronounced in human tongue. Not knowing what to call the young being, Bird simply called him "Jawa." Living with "Jawa" for so many years began getting Bird's mind back on track. Because of this, Big Bird was finally hired for a job. While working for Watto in his shop along with some bratty kid, a Jedi Knight by the name of Qui-Gon Jinn came in, looking for ship parts. Believing that the parakeet had much Force potential, the Jedi tested his midichlorian count. The test showed that Big Bird was the "Chosen One," a Jedi urban legend saying that this person would destroy the Sith, bring balance to the Force and shit like that. Bird was quite disturbed by this heavy burden, and instead handed the job off to the bratty kid. Bird decided to retire and settle down with Jawa.
Near-death experience
In 23 BBY, Bird went out into the Tatooine deserts to pick mushrooms with Shmi Skywalker when the two were brutally captured by Sand People. Tortured for a year, the bratty kid, who turned out to be the son of Shmi, returned to save her. Big Bird pleaded with him, and the kid freed the parakeet. Returning to Jawa, he claimed to have seen a vision of the future. In this vision, Bird was teaching hundreds of illiterates how to spell. Bird knew what he had to do; Teach the word of the Brotherhood of the Bird.
Founding an empire
For the first two months, Bird taught many how to read. This changed when he realized he was too powerful. Instructing Jawa, his new apprentice of the Force, to find suitable members for the Brotherhood. Jawa brought back dozens of apprentices, but one caught his eye most of all; Elmo. Bird instructed Jawa to teach Elmo in the ways of the Force. By the end of his training, Big Bird instructed Jawa to activate his well-known juicer and try to juice the apprentice. Elmo passed the test, and was promoted. Bird ordered Elmo to kill Jawa, in which he did with ease. However, Elmo was deemed too evil to become an official member of the Brotherhood, and was instead sent to Darth Small. However, he was named honorary prophet and was considered to be Big Bird's Number Two in place of Jawa.
Visions from the future
- "You wanna know why they call me Big Bird? It's my penis size, bee-atch! That's right, it's huge, it's feathery, and it's spectacular! That's right, all the birds want it. You probably want it to, Phil. That's right. **sniff** It's the shizz-nit, right? Yeah."
- ―Big Bird during one of his many rants.
While appearing on the Dr. Phil Show, Big Bird was questioned by Dr. Phil about his sanity (or lack thereof). Bird was convinced he was too big of a star to talk about his sanity (or lack thereof), and instead, quickly changed the topic to the size of his penis. Bird was quickly thrown off, still convinced he was too big of a star. Things quickly took a turn for the worst when Big Bird got into drugs. Hopped up on acid, he started seeing visions of a brown, hairy elephant named Aloysius Snuffleupagus. Snuffy "told" Bird about how pretzels make him thirsty, which was enough to make the imaginary creature a prophet of the Brotherhood. Yeah, that's right. Somebody who doesn't exist becomes a prophet. This move was met with much criticism as some members converted to G*nkism.
Ending an empire
Considered to be an alternative of Jedi and Sith, many would join the Brotherhood for answers they would not find. Both former Jedi and Sith alike would join on occasions, and would be taught how to use the Force. This continued on for several years, as the Brotherhood allied with groups, such as the Cabal (that doesn't exist), and Sesame Street, led by Darth Elmo. However, new enemies arose. Hunters would invade the base of the Brotherhood almost everyday, trying to kill members. Enemies like Bob Barker and Dr. Dick-Smith Deez Nuts would be seen daily in protest of the Brotherhood. Sadly, The Brotherhood of the Bird was done away with when the apocalypse occurred. Many of the hunters gathered with Barker and Dr. Deez Nuts to exterminate the followers. The hunters were able to kill nearly every member, while Bob Barker and Dr. Deez Nuts had plans of their own. Capturing Big Bird, Barker strapped him to a table and castrated him violently, as the bird flopped in various directions. His testicles would later go to use as food for the hungry. After the castration, Dr. Deez Nuts killed Big Bird with a lightsaber. His intestines would later help in the creation of Madclaw!, Wookiee Goldberg.
Legacy
Many years after this "tragic" incident, Sesame Street was sent to exterminate the son of Wookiee Goldberg, Animal. Upon arrival, Elmo sensed much Force potential in him, unlike anything he had seen since Big Bird. Believing that this animal could be the return of his former lord, he gladly accepted him as an apprentice. Elmo soon sought revenge on Bird's killer, traveling back to Tatooine to hunt down Dr. Deez Nuts with Darth Animal. After finding him, a massive duel occurred. Dr. Deez Nuts sensed the same power in Animal as Bird and knew he had to kill him. However, it was too late. Animal killed the slain parakeet's killer. Elmo's revenge was over.
