Anonymous Stormtroopers
Anonymous stormtroopers were stormtroopers that practically did nothing in the films of Star Wars except get shot, get their heads knocked off by doors, or recite non-important, very short monologues. Their identities were unknown because they did not have any or did not live long enough to warrant having one. Wookieepedia, however, decided that they were pretty cool and decided to create articles on them. Here is a list to show all the anonymous and/or unknown stormtroopers out there:
This list is brought to you by the Imperial Department of Education, because a smart child means we might actually beat the Jedi next time.
- That Stormtrooper That Hit His Head Off Of A Door In Episode IV
- That Stormtrooper Who Got Thrown Off The Platform Where They Froze Han Solo, By Chewbacca, In Episode V
- That Stormtrooper That Said "Blast Them" In Episode IV
- That Stormtrooper That Got Shot Off The Extension Ramp On The First Death Star In Episode IV
- Those Stormtroopers That Did Nothing In Particular In The Movies At All Except Fight, Die, Injure Themselves, Or Just Stood On Guard In A Hallway
- Those Other Anonymous Stormtroopers That Existed
- There are many, many more, but we will end with the last but not least, That Stormtrooper That Was Actually A Good Shot And Shot R2-D2 AND Princess Leia
The Completely False "True" Ending of These Stormtroopers' Lives
As you can see, these stormtroopers, except the last one, were utterly worthless drones that are recognized for no reason whatsoever except to give them proper articles to make them feel better (and probably to give the Galactic Empire a few chuckles when they read the articles and find out what these anonymous stormtroopers did to themselves or how they got killed). Don't get me wrong though, many of them were awesome people, as most of them were too cowardly too brave to even talk in the face of their doom and their other doom, and most didn't make a sound at all unless they had to, like Those Stormtroopers Who You Only Hear Scream In The Movies. Too bad That Stormtrooper That Was Actually A Good Shot got... uh, shot by Han Solo. THAT BASTARD! Just think: the Empire could have used him to win entire battles, while the other stormtroopers just stood in front of him to provide cover! Sadly that's not the way George Lucas and/or the elusive, cunning, and manipulating Darth Lucas planned it. Oh well, we can always dream... Or can we?
The Actual "Alternate" Ending
The Empire actually did get smart enough to use That Stormtrooper Who Was Actually A Good Shot, and won the war only with him. He shot Luke Skywalker in the head, shot Leia twice (once in the shoulder, once in the ear), killed Chewbacca when he nuked his home planet of Kashyyyk, blew up R2-D2 and C-3PO with a rocket launcher and some thermal detonators, and even killed Han Solo when he shot first. Then, the stormtrooper went MIA for a while (really, it was a clever ruse he had made so that he could study the Dark Side of the Force and finally get out of his asshole job). When he thought he had gotten good enough in the Dark Side, he marched right into the Imperial Throne Room, held Darth Vader and Palpatine hostage, and became Darth Good Shot Stormtrooper. Upon taking this title, he killed both of his hostages and became the new Emperor, learned all of the Force powers, messed with his midi-chlorians so that he had infinity of them, and, yes, he even destroyed some...well, you know. The Empire, and subsequently the galaxy, then lived in "peace" for 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years under his reign. Those other wannabe anonymous stormtroopers that he used to work with he ordered to guard the Death Star's halls for eternity, as that was the worst most wonderful, splendid job he could find for his former asshole craphead co-workers co-workers. THE END. Now tell me again why I'm writing about anonymous stormtroopers when I think they're stupid and unimportant?
