All Terrain Scout Transport

Buck-buck-buck-buck...

"It looks sort of like a chicken."

―Intuitive Observer

Given separate titles such as the "breakthrough war machine of the century", and "most amazing robot thing that I've seen today", the All Terrain Scout Transport, or AT-ST for short, was probably the most advanced, well-equipped, and badass transport thing the Empire ever schemed up. With its amazing design and ability to blow up trees, the AT-ST soon became a feared machine in the universe by people who weren't part of the Empire.

Now, if you had any brains, you would know that the previous paragraph was a bunch of new age horseshit the Empire came up with to make itself look less stupid for making such a chicken-like walking shitbox that proved useless in all aspects. I was just trying to see if you were paying attention or not.

Now, down to the facts: The AT-ST was probably the biggest failure of a vehicle created by the empire, for the simple fact that it sucked way more than it blew. With several notable design flaws, seemingly retarded pilots, and a downright horrible appearance, the AT-ST was not feared, but rather embraced as a common topic of jokes between friends in the Star Wars Universe. I mean, it couldn't even destroy your planet.

Structural Design

Many rumors have arose to how the structural design for the AT-ST came about, and many have arisen about the designer, with such suggestions as "That guy must have been a total fucking dumbass," and "Probably just another Scientist who stoned over his own death stick anti-addiction medication." Why people gossiped of the creator is because the robot itself looked like a total piece of shit. Many think it is a blend between junk yard scraps and a chicken, considering the way it pokes around on its two long bird legs. On top of those legs

A 'simple' design scheme of the shitbox, with several noticeable design flaws.

is a big giant box. Some think it's a giant gift of stupidity from Santa, while others think it is a room for the mentally insane. It's probably both. It's also possible that the AT-ST's were created by taking a few old AT-AT's and sawing them in half. Considering how rich the Empire is, you wouldn't think it would be cheap to that extent, but you never know with all the surprises the Empire pulls off.

The design consisted of a bunch of pieces of metal put together in the shape of a flightless bird. The design proved itself horrible, useless, and downright stupid from the moment it struck the battle field—after traveling twenty feet the foot things hit a boulder and the AT-ST fell over and exploded—but the Empire persisted at using it. The design also proved horrible at the infamous Battle of Endor, wherein several of these abnormally large fowl were annihilated by a couple of logs and an army of two-foot-tall teddy bears. The head of the thing was also prone to random explosion, but that didn't matter since the only people in it the box things were retards.

Another disappointing aspect of the design was the fact that the AT-ST was equipped with a water faucet just in case the pilots ever got thirsty. A beer tap would have been much preferred, and many pilots refused to drive the damn things until their request for beer was fulfilled, which started the "AT-ST Strike of 2 Minutes", but all of the rebelling pilots were blasted down within minutes of announcing their displeasure with the Empire. That's what they get.

Pilots

Pilots of AT-ST's were often useless, lazy, drunk men picked up from the slum neighborhoods somewhere on Coruscant. Recent studies by the Empire Medical Facilities show that roughly four out of five Imperial Pilots who pilot AT-ST's are addicted to either gambling, death sticks, or hot Twi'lek babes. But then again,

Two retards sit in their unfastened straight jackets before deployment on a mission.

who isn't? Studies also show that 67.8% of all Imperial pilots, not just AT-ST, are mentally retarded. However, roughly half of those 67.8% pilot At-St vehicles.

As a safety precaution the designer of the AT-ST did make one feature worth noting—the fact that the padding extended from the floors, up the walls, and all over the rooms, for the sake of having the retarded pilots not injure themselves while having schizophrenic spasms. Because of this, many of the Pilots were given big bulky helmets and straight jackets to prevent further injury. However, many still managed to injure or kill themselves.

The moral of the story is that if you displayed one of the following traits, you would be a prime candidate for piloting an AT-ST:

1. Insane
2. Drunk
3. Addicted to drugs
4. Downright stupid

Jokes Regarding AT-ST's

The AT-ST, with its horrible overall value and quality, has had several jokes made about it, many of which are factual (The Empire has left no comment on these jokes). Some include:

"Sticks and stones will break my bones... seriously!"

―An AT-ST

"I'm a walking shit box, a piece of wood destroys me and I don't come with beer. What am I?"

―An Ewok

Alien 1: "Hey, Alien 2! Why did the At-ST cross the road?"

Alien 2: "Because it's the chicken. I've heard that like, a billion times before!"

Alien 1: "Shut up!"

— Two Aliens discussing jokes

Tim: "Why did the Imperial Pilot kill himself?"

Jim: "Tell me. NOW."

Tim: "Because he piloted an AT-ST, so he was going to die anyway!"

— Two Star Wars blokes

Though most of the jokes are unfunny, people still use them as a way of embarrassing them Empire, because they are pretty much the only way. That and the fact that stormtroopers can get killed by sticks and rocks the same little bears used to utterly destroyed the AT-ST's.