War on Christmas

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Christmas, as it was meant to be celebrated

The War on Christmas was a cultural conflict spanning centuries, pitting the good decent hardworking Christian souls of the Galactic Republic (or Empire, they're all good) against the godless secular multi-culti hippies who sought to remove it from the public square and replace it with something stupid like Life Day.

For centuries the Republic celebrated Christmas as a national holiday. They celebrated the birth of Jesus Christ and his subsequent metamorphosis into Santa Claus. The holiday was typified by good decent cheer and good decent materialism. Both the Jedi and the Sith celebrated Christmas. Every year the Jedi donned their gay apparel, or at any rate their gayer apparel than usual, and the Sith bestowed lavish gifts upon each other like jewel-encrusted red lightsabers or magic amulets that trapped the souls of the innocent. Eventually, the Sith got so sick of spending money at Christmastime on all their dozens of acolytes that they instituted the Rule of Two, which meant only one gift per year and a lot less hassle. (Before the Rule of Two, Sith went on galaxy-wide rampages through malls and stores, slaughtering millions. This was referred to as Black Friday.)

But then a group of godless secular, probably communist hippies began a movement to remove Christmas from the Republic. They renamed Christmas trees "holiday trees" and destroyed nativity scenes with blasters. Damn them! Only one man could possibly stand up to these horrible secularists... Conan Antonio Riley. Every day on his show he exposed the atrocities of the evil hippies and their evil War on Christmas. He interviewed the innocent women and children whose Christmas trees were brutally renamed or whose toy baby Jesuses were removed from school property. Public opinion began to mount in favor of Christmas and against the Jesus-hating soulless minions of progressivism, until something weird happened...

Weird pagan Life Day, as celebrated by godless Wookiees. As Conan Antonio Riley would say, "You can't explain that!"

The Wookiees brought their weird quasi-Christmas holiday called "Life Day" into the Republic. Life Day was a pagan celebration imported from Kashyyyk, where it was celebrated by creepy druids wearing red cloaks. They decorated themselves with holly and ivy, danced to panpipes, and probably sacrificed innocent children by setting them on fire inside a Wicker Man or something. But the citizens of the Republic actually enjoyed Life Day almost as much as Christmas, and Conan Antonio Riley feared the Wookiees were plotting with the hippies to destroy Christmas once and for all and replace it with sick paganism.

Soon after Palpatine declared the end of the Republic and the beginning of the Empire, Conan Antonio Riley began his great plan to strike back against the anti-Christmas forces by launching an all-out assault on Kashyyyk. Star Destroyers were dispatched to the planet, where they rained down a blistering bombardment, destroying the "holiday trees" and then replacing them with good decent honest hardworking Christmas trees. Made of aluminum and copper. They rounded up the Wookiee druids and enslaved them at Santa's workshop at the North Pole, making iPods and PlayStations for the decent girls and boys of the Empire who had been good all year.

Thus ends the War on Christmas, in triumph. Death to all those who oppose Christmas!