- "Actually, contrary to popular opinion, lots of fascinating stuff happened here. So don't listen to that whiny boy gripe about how lame this place is. It's here that I kicked the stuffing out of A'Sharad, causing him to become a Sith Lord."
- ―Obi-Wan Kenobi
ArrakisWant is actually called Abydos oh sorry that should be on the stargate humor wiki Tatooine, a.k.a. the Crappy Desert Planet was the most out-of-the-way, eccentric planet in the galaxy. Essentially, anybody who's ever mattered lived, was born on, or gambled at the casino's there (except Spiderman; his 'spidey sense' got him kicked out faster than you could say "Sithspawn"). The planet's mottos are "What Happens in Mos Eisley Stays in Mos Eisley" and "Hakuna Matata! What a Crappy Phrase!". The planet is also home to Darth Palpy Disney World.
If you were from Tatooine and could shoot womp rats from a moving speeder, this automatically made you the best pilot in the world; no really; it really does.
- "How can anyone live on this infernal world? Even the dust has dust!"
- ―Corran Horn
The first residents of the planet were mysterious white fat doughboys;
Darth Pillsbury, none of which exist today. Their crescent shaped buildings such as the Biscuit Palace remain today; the BP being occupied by Jabba the Hutt. Geographical analysis indicates the planet may have been once been composed of chocolate, until a fourth sun randomly spawned in-system, melted everything, including the doughboys, and the mix of the white remnants of the fat white things and chocolate created a fine, granulated tan sugar, also known as "sand" and "great for joint, that stuff is".
Later on, the Czerka Chip Company believed the native Jawas (who, for unknown reasons, did not melt, but now wear robes because they are permanently sunburned), misleading infomercials ("buy now, only 4% interest on land parcels!"), and bought up "cheap" land that was "laced" with high fructose corny syrup and potatoes (perfect for a chip factory, you see?). A settlement was built, and along with it came male miners, and with them came drunk woman, and with them came casinos. A lucrative business soon developed there, although to this day Jawa reservations make the majority of profits.
idiots management soon realized their costly mistake and abandoned the planet. Of course, the old saying "Better for a fool to remain silent then to speak out and remove all doubt" went into effect here, and when Czerka whined to the Republic, they became the laughingstock of HoloYouTube and even were spoofed by MadTV. However the joke was on pretty much every corporation who made potato chips; choosing to ignore their competitors blunder, and Lays, Industrial Potatoes, and Cheetos all set up factories, but all learned the lesson the hard way; however Lays had a somewhat "deadlier" fate, as an enraged FremenTusken pansy Raider tribe, upset that the supposedly Lite BBQ flavored chips were in reality only 1 gram of fat less than regular, lined up the miners and executives, then pointed and laughed. This drove them to suicide.
The technology left behind would benefit the migrated and native populace. The chip factories were made into more casinos. The turbine machines were used to develop podracing, a slow and gentle racing sport that was accompanied by violin quartets. And the massive
Spice Crawlerspotato collectors were used by the Jawas as mobile disco clubs.
Darth Revan would later visit the planet on his quest to
buy a share of corporate stock in destroy the Star Forge. He would purchase the maniacal Sheriff droid HK-47, much to the relief of everyone, then left his mark by taking on 50 Jawa concubines and slaying a mighty Krayt tadpole. The planet continued relatively quiet for a few thousand years until the Clone Wars.
By then Jabba the Hutt had relocated his toxic waste dump consortium there, and several towns beginning with "Mos" had sprung up ("Mos" is Hutt for ghetto). The planet managed to escape the ravages of the war as it bribed both faction's leaders. Soon, as the Sith controlled the galaxy, and Darth Elmo was on a planet-killing spree, Darth Disney began construction on his dream, an amusement park full of dark side "kiddie" rides.
The project met numerous roadblocks. The Jawas didn't want a huge theme park drawing away from their disco business. The drunk woman were upset Disney's park would only sell draft beer. The remaining miner families actually welcomed it, as they needed a job. Jabba also opposed it as Darth Disney wanted to buy land that Jabba planned for
another toxic dump a nature preserve. However, these protests only met a volatile combination of Force lightning, real estate slump, and the threat to the high Tatooine residents to "destroy your planet".
The populace gave in and Darth Disney world was constructed, and with it came families from all across the galaxy, who left the park subliminally influenced to support the Sith in future voter referendums on their home planet. However, the Tatooine economy boomed, with many residents gaining such luxuries as hotels, local swimming pools, clean water, and indoor plumbing for the first time. Cantina owners soon began offering discounts to planetside parents, who could no longer tolerate "The Most
Evil Happiest Place on Tatooine" and needed a drink or two.
Tatooine soon even became more famous. Luke Skywalker, facing the threat of the Sith, Darth Vader himself and Darth Elmo's wretched pre-k program, was hidden as an infant on the planet with his second-cousin in law's best friend's sister, twice removed. Luke and his sister Leia drew straws apparently, and Leia got to live with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt as their 54th adopted child, while Luke was sent the most depressing place possible. However, Leia would grow up to be a preppy know-it-all, while Luke would grow up to invent the iPod, speak about global warming, and ultimately destroy the Sith despite his upbringing.
As the Sith fell from grace, Tatooine continued in its merry attitude of ignorance of the galaxy around them. Darth Disney World was soon joined by new theme parks such as Disney's Geonosian Adventure, EPCOS (Every Person Comes Out Sith), MGM Studios (where Darth Pillsbury filmed his famous commercials for a time), and the Animal
Testing Grounds Kingdom.
Today, Jabba is dead, Darth Disney World continues to dominate, and famous people still are born or gamble on Tatooine...as it should be.
- Darth Pillsbury
- Luke Skywalker
- Biggs "Dead on arrival" Zippolighter
- Gavin "The Xenophile" Zippolighter
- Tatooine is the only planet in the galaxy
- In Utah, Tatooine is illegal, but only because the locals thought you said "tattooing"
- By a staggering cowinkidink, Utah is the name of a Clone trooper who did "it" with a wampa by the name of Russia