- "Heh heh"
- ―Takeoffo Calrissian
Takeoffo Calrissian was one of Lando Calrissian's many brothers. He was the Force-sensitive one and was set to become a Jedi or a Sith Lord until he discovered the joys of getting high on the Force, after which he went to great lengths to remain a drug addict.
Takeoffo's origins are under as much dispute as that of his brother, Lando's, in that it is unsure whether he was born on Bespin or hails from the mysterious Yeahbooboo. At any rate unlike Lando or the others, people knew Takeoffo was Force-sensitive from an early age. His parents were eager to enroll him with either the Jedi or the Sith, so as to hone his powers, and being young and idealistic, Takeoffo was only too ready to comply.
Force Camp and Early Drug Abuse
Unable to decide which path he liked better, the Dark or the Light, Takeoffo decided to heed the advice of his family and go to a Force Camp for young boys and gain exposure to both sides. While there, however, more than anything else, Takeoffo and his footloose buddies learned of the joys of substance abuse and soon were taking regular doses of weed, crack, heroin, spice, Wookiee-juice, and in fact, anything they could get their hands on. They even went so far as to lick their guest-lecturer Frog Yoda (Oddly, Yoda failed to report this incident to anyone but his personal shrink).
Disillusioned with either side of the Force, Takeoffo and his pals stole a visiting Tusken ship rigged it with explosives and blasted off into space.
Takeoffo Calrissian's Fucktastic Adventure
- "Another mile, another high....Hey, we're part of the mile high club! Hey I made a funny! Heh...."
- ―Takeoffo Calrissian
Being the total spice-head slackers they were, Takeoffo and co. (that's what they called themselves, True Believer) naturally spent ne'er a minute sitting still. They used their new set of rockets (dubbed the It's A Trap! Machine) and boldly spent their time seeking out New Drugs in New Civilizations.
At first they just roamed around burning whatever money they had on whatever drugs they could find. They attended rave parties and spent time underground on many planets like Coruscant and Hoth. Every few years they would return to Yeahbooboo to tune up their bongs and JointRollomatics. They acquainted themselves with the drug culture on almost every planet in the Galaxy and carefully studied mixing procedures, the effects of each high, and the quality of snacks required to make each experience just Fucktastic.
The real test came when the money ran out. The group thinned and weaker members dropped out leaving only the real hardcore junkies behind to man the Its A Trap! Machine as Takeoffo and Co. (which, is really what they liked to call themselves, True Believer). They now had to spend years of time on each planet, doing odd jobs. Takeoffo and those of his friends that were Force-sensitive took to performing cheap tricks or parlor shows, sometimes performing odd mundane jobs using Force skills (Takeoffo once spent five months as an imperial Eco-Friendly Ass cleaner). They even gave out a blowjob or too when necessary. But they never gave up the high. They refined their techniques to conserve valuable time and energy and credits. They became the very first Junkie Masters ever (though they still called themselves Takeoffo and Co., True Believer).
Soon their mastery of the Wild Side began to draw the attention of rich upper class benefactors. They joined the interstellar drug trade and money started flowing in. Takeoffo and Co. (You do remember that they liked to be called that, don't you, True Believer?) began to use their new found riches to expand their search for better highs. Experimented with new drugs and nascent technologies. They established a Galactic Drug wiki to gather info from all over the known Galaxy.
There were a few tragedies along the way. Every so often a member of Takeoffo and Co. would get into an existential bar fight or anger a drug lord and wake up the next day to find himself dead. One of their ranks tried smoke Spam driving him temporarily insane. This member would later join the Jedi in an attempt to "clear his head", though he maintained close ties with his friends. His name was Qui-Gon Jinn.
Eventually, only Takeoffo was left. But this did not deter him. It only fueled him to strive harder to get high. Then he discovered what would truly set him apart from other Junkie Masters.
A New Hope
It happened during one of Takeoffo's more bizarre missions. Hopelessly desensitized to all normal forms of drugs, Takeoffo, was looking for a Frog to lick, to see if he could recreate the high from his Force Camp days. He knew of two frogs, one was Yoda living on Coruscant the headquarters of the Galactic Republic, surrounded by the bulk of the Galactic Law Force and also home to almost every lightsaber wielding Jedi in existence; the other was Kermit shacked up at the time, in a tent on Nar Shaddaa. Takeoffo decided to go after Kermit.
He reached Kermit's tent late at night and sliced through the cheap canvass cloth with his lightsaber. Kermit threw on his robe and immediately an immense battle ensued. The battle led them half way across the Galaxy to Kermit's tent in Nar Shaddaa where Takeoffo floored the frog with a swift kick in the balls. Then relieving him of his lightsaber, Takeoffo began to lick the frog with savage ferocity. However, try as he might, he could not get high. Takeoffo left the frog to the jeers of his fellowmen and blasted of in the Its A Trap! Machine, brooding.
Takeoffo was gravely worried. Could it be that there was no more? That he was completely desensitized to drugs forever? But he knew in his heart it was not true. Use the Force a little voice in his head seemed to say..... And then he had it! That Was the answer! Yoda, had been Force-sensitive! It was not the frog that had caused the high, but the pure raw Force channeled through the frog's midi-chlorians! Takeoffo now knew the way to the ultimate high in the universe!
Abuse the Force
Takeoffo quickly set out to test his theory. He travelled to the closest Sith training World where young acolytes were slaughtering sentients for fun. He hid in the shadows and focused his mind on channeling the Force into his brain. Trippy! But he had to have more. He spent the next few years modifying his lightsaber into a lightbong. Now he was ready to give his message to the Universe.
He began by attending a few high class parties and showing off his skills. His name and fame spread far and wide and he began teaching classes and taking on Junkie apprentices, known as Potjuans. He gained the ability to channel the force into the drug addled heads of millions at a time, allowing planet wide highs never before seen in the Galaxy anywhere. He patented his lightbong and made millions selling kits and T-shirts that said, "I used the Force but all I got was high". He was a regular supplier for many of the Galaxy's who's who, including Lando Calrissian, Qui-Gon Jinn, and the whole of the Galactic Senate.
Fall to the Dark
In his later years, Takeoffo felt his sensitivity to the Force waning. He soon realized that only destroying planets could create enough disturbance in the force to suit his needs. He began touring with Sith ships and soon was inducted as an Honorary Sith Lord himself, Darth Travenous.
Behind the Scenes
In the Japanese dub, Takeoffo Calrissian was called Tap Sum Bong.