Star Wars Episode XIV: A New Galaxy

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Star Wars Episode XIV: A New Galaxy

Darth Lucas


Darth <insert name here>


Karen Traviss

Music by

John Williams








Post post-FotJ



Preceded by

Star Wars Episode XIII: The Conspiracy Within

Star Wars Episode XIV: A New Galaxy was the fourteenth film in the Star Wars saga. It depicted the adventures of the semi-rogue Jedi Master <insert name here> who, after winding up on Earth, begins ministering the Jedi Code, eventually becoming known as Jesus Christ. The film was released in the spring of 2019 to an overwhelming response of "meh", from critics and fans alike. Female viewers, on the other hand, loved it, thus making it an excellent date movie.

Opening crawl

Star Wars Episode XIV: A New Galaxy
It is a bright time for the galaxy. The Jedi Order, with nary a Skywalker in sight, has kept the peace for millennia. The evil Galactic Empire is but a faded stain on the history-holos, its nightmarish reign all but forgotten.

But all is not as it seems. The Outer Rim still holds secrets, and continues to engage in...uncivilized...behavior. The occasional pirate raids into the Galactic Republic itself still occur. A dark shadow moves about the very edges of space.

However, there still remains one Jedi, determined to extend the borders of peace and prosperity. Sent out by an Order that cares more about meditating than helping the common folk, his starship speeds toward a rendezvous with destiny...


Main story arc

By the year 42,169, the galaxy has become somewhat boring, at least where civilization holds sway, with a couple dozen millennia since the last act of planetary destruction. With the Outer Rim still in a state of flux, and the Unknown Regions still largely unknown even after thousands upon thousands of years of peace, one Jedi is sent out to bring some sanity and compassion to those areas. Problems begin almost immediately when the Jedi Master's starship is sucked into a wormhole. After a wild ride, the Jedi finds himself in the Milky Way galaxy, on ancient Earth, in a world dominated by sandal-wearing morons in togas and tunics. The uneducated masses, seeking comfort in the protagonist's teachings of the Jedi Code, declare the Force-wielding Jedi to be their Messiah, calling him Jesus Christ.

After gathering twelve particularly trustworthy followers, whom he called "apostles", Jesus travels throughout the known Earth whist continuing to spread his teachings. After a while, he picks up a lowly joint dealer, Drawkcab H'trad, to keep the drug-addicted apostles happy. Religious leaders at that time were not happy with Jesus's new ways, and decided that they would be better off without him. They begin offering a large amount of money for any information leading to the capture of Jesus, an offer which H'trad takes up. He turns Jesus over to the authorities because, in reality, H'trad was Darth Awesome's Sith apprentice. And so, after Jesus and his apostles celebrate Passover, he signals a small band of Roman stormtroopers to take the supposed Messiah away. They take Jesus to a prison, torture him, and then bring him to a courthouse to be tried. H'trad testifies against Jesus and helps to get him crucified. Fortunately for Jesus, he has the power of the Force, and uses a mind trick to convince everyone that he was dead. H'trad, despite being a Sith, does not notice this, partially because he is drunk from celebrating.


The movie actually starts out with the sub-plot of Darth Judas, or Drawkcab H'trad, who attends the Sith Academy until he is caught smoking Dagobah Green, resulting in his expulsion. The film then shows H'trad showing up at the doorstep of Darth Awesome's Awesome Cave of Awesomeness with his parents, Steve and Guri Perry. The movie then moves foward to H'trad's training. The scene finishes and the first three words of the movie are hissed from Darth Awesome's Awesome Hood of Awesomeness: "You are ready." The movie then follows H'trad as he tracks Jesus to Earth, where he disguises himself as a joint-dealer and joins Jesus' ranks.


Actor Character
Liam Neeson Jesus Christ
Tom Cruise Drawkcab H'trad
Samuel L. Jackson MCMLXXVII Mace Windu MCMLXXVII
Lelslie Nielsen Mary Magdalene
The Doll Family, Ovitz family, and Gary Coleman Doc
Steve Perry Himself
Steve Perry Darth Awesome
Alec Baldwin Soldier #1-20
Will Smith Soldiers #20-47

Behind the scenes

A New Galaxy was supposed to be the first to utilize full-digital "life-animation", complete with electronically-generated unique voice acting, making it the first truly actor-free film. The Screen Actors' Guild, however, objected vehemently, and so the essences of four dead actors were duplicated, with their salaries donated to their respective pet charities.

In a deleted scene, Jesus was to have turned punch and pie into wine and luxurious confections. However, the scene was ultimately cut for "pacing" reasons -- just like how the second lap of Li'l Annie's podrace was sliced out.

Will Smith and Alec Baldwin played all forty-seven Roman stormtroopers in the film. Smith provides his likeness and personality to twenty-seven soldiers, while Baldwin only lends his talents to twenty.