Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

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Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace is the first movie made in the incredibly boring and long and expensive and politically incorrect series of Star Wars films. Directed, written, produced, filmed, costumed, and catered by George Lucas, it broke numerous box office records (in a negative way); grossing a whopping 2,300 pesos in theatres, TPM became the lowest grossing movie ever, which of course spurred on George Lucas in his quest to torture moviegoers.

The only positive thing about it was God's involvement.

Opening Crawl

Episode I
The Galactic Republic of Democratic and Free Monarchy-less
Planets Unified by Confederation is undergoing a
time of change. Frustrated by a new medical funding
appropriations bill which diverts 0.3% of the taxes channeled
into Rodian irrigation, the Trade Monopolistic Trust Federation
has decided to teach the Republic a lesson by slowly annihilating,
err blockading the world of Naboo.

With their powerful army of battle ready Barbie droids, and a
fleet of football shaped battleships, there is no hope of the
spineless residents of Naboo to fight back. Starving and unwilling
to shake off their French-inspired way of surrender, they plead
to the Republic for help.

While the slow, corrupt, and ineffective body of senators busy
themselves with giving their paychecks big raises, the
Supreme Grand Ultra-Smart President of the Republic secretly
orders the Jedi to dispatch cannon fodder, err their best team
of Jedi to mercilessly destroy the blockade......


In 666 BBY, the Trade Monoplistic Trust Federation has blockaded the planet of Nabooboo, otherwise known as the Haven of Cowards. The President of the Republic, Fini Fin Fin Valorum, secretly under the influence of Jedi Haters Anonymous and Darth Elmo decides to secretly dispatch two of the Jedi's few good combatants, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi, to hopefully try and "make peace", or rather get blown up. Unknown to Valorum is that Darth Elmo is tricking him as he was double dog dared too, and that Darth Sidious is behind the blockade.

Darth Sidious, of course, orders the Fishhead leaders of the TMTF to kill the Jedi and send their bones to be processed into profitable dog food. They fail however, and the two Jedi gouge everyone's guts out, and save those guts to be processed into slightly-less profitable cat food. Escaping to the surface, they encounter a wise and aged philosopher who speaks proper English, Jar Jar Binks. Binks takes them to his hometown, Oh-Oh Oreo City, a creme and vanilla decorated roundish city where his people the Gungans sit around and resent the spineless humans of Naboo. Above the surface, the TMTF decides to invade and, using advanced surgery, give the residents spines so they can be used as soldiers of Darth Sidious' secret Sith army he just started. After being dismissed by the Gungan's leader, Boss JackNass, for not being fat enough, the Jedi decide to rescue the surprisingly hot, but off limits Queen of Naboo (she's only fourteen, you perverts!). With Jar Jar's help they make it to the capital, The Hood.

There, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Jar Jar, along with some random black guy wearing a red shirt, break into the palace, guns blazing, but fortunately the Jedi manage to put the fire consuming their weapons out. Tragically, in accordance with tradition, the black guy wearing a redshirt becomes the first person to die in the ensuing conflict. The Jedi and Jar Jar, however, outwit the Barbie droids (who are busy getting robotic pedicures) and rescue Queen Amidala, her entourage, Tom Cruise, Minnie Mouse, and the Queen's massive wardrobe. After escaping on the Queen's third-backup yacht, they set a course for Coruscant. Before they can escape to high warp, err, hyperspace, the surviving Fishhead's send Woodpecker fighters that try and destroy the fleeing ragtag group of slightly flawed morons heroes.

Strange Happenings on Tatooine

Fortunately, R2-D2 goes to the outside of the ship and repairs the hyperdrive, shoots down the droid fighters trying to peck the outer hull, and saves the damsel in distress. Although they go to hyperspace, the pilot Rick Olé realizes he filled the ship with diesel, not unleaded, destroying the engine from the inside (which was stupid of him, considering his identity as Darth Obvious). They are forced to land on Tatooine. While the rest of the heroes slack off and go to Disneyland, the very annoyed Jedi, Jar Jar, R2-D2, and the Queen's lookalike bodyguard who is posing as the Queen but really is the Queen (confusing huh? Really, its just the Queen, OK?) go into Mos Eizlee to find a new engine. Making way to a Toydarian named Fatto's shop, they meet a young, slightly effeminate boy named Anakin Skywalker. Enslaved since birth, Anakin is a good pilot, great mechanic, excellent dancer, fantastic quarterback, and all around perfect child. Recognizing this in combination with the boy's massive ego and inferiority complex, Qui-Gon takes a wild guess is that this whiny brat may be the Chosen One; the Chosen One was foretold by Jar Jar Binks an hour prior to be the one who would destroy the Jedi bring an erratic, but effective balance to the Force.

Qui-Gon loses his money in a cockfight and can no longer afford a new engine; after enduring a catfight with an angry Amidala, he decides to enter Anakin into a podrace; the prize would be enough money for the engine, to free Anakin, and the last remnant could either free Anakin's mom too, or buy three kegs of beer. Anakin wins the race and his freedom, the ship is repaired, and Qui-Gon finished the trip to Coruscant heavily drunk. Anakin goes with them, hoping to be trained as a Jedi, but not before bawling his eyes out because he'll "miss his mommy". Before they depart however, Darth Maul, a Sith Private-Grade 2 Lord, Darth Sidious's apprentice, attacks Qui-Gon and duels him. Using dirty tactics such as pepper spray and aiming for the family jewels, Qui-Gon narrowly manages to escape aboard the yacht, which coincidentally had a Sith-tracking bazooka on it (which could have saved the galaxy a lot of misery. Oh well).

To Coruscant

Once on Coruscant, Qui-Gon runs to cry to inform the Jedi Council of the tattooed thug who had dueled him. The facts obviously pointing to the attacker being strong in the Force, the Jedi Council remains outright ignorant and stupid and dismiss him as a disgruntled Disney employee (there's lots of em'). Frustrated, Qui-Gon then introduces them to the still crying Anakin for training. Yoda, the oldest among them at 7,890 years of age, sensing the boys ego and distasteful sensitivity, orders Qui-Gon not to trade him. Being a draft dodger and tax evader, the Qui-Gon, not surprisingly disobeys and says he'll still train the boy. The Council counters that Obi-Wan is his apprentice still (and we all know teachers can't teach more than one pupil at a time, right?). Qui-Gon says "screw him".

"Remember girl, its pronounced 'dys-func-tion'"

Meanwhile, Senator Palpatine, who is secretly a Sith (SPOILER WARNING: It's not Darth Pillsbury!) urges Amidala to impeach Valorum so the Senate will be slightly less corrupt (and he can conveniently take power). After fruitlessly trying to bribe Senators to help her home planet, Amidala takes his advice and impeaches Valorum on charges of erectile dysfunction. The Senate overwhelmingly votes "Yes" and Palpatine is elected in a landslide over Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. After hitting the club scene, the heroes decide to return to Naboo and try and take back the planet themselves. Considering the attempt suicidal, Palpatine gleefully eggs them on.

The Big Bad Battle of Nabooboo

The Epic Battle of Nabooboo rages fiercely.

After sneaking back onto Nabooboo in drag, the team goes to the Gungans and plead for their alliance in battle. Although resistant to the idea at first, they concede after Qui-Gon's threat to "destroy your planet". Meanwhile the Fishhead leaders of the TMTF are ordered by Darth Sidious to mop the floor with them and send the bodies to his ex-wife's doorstep. While the Gungan army commanded by Jar Jar distracts the Barbie droid army, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Amidala, and the *gasp* Naboo resistance (all six of them) sneak into the palace, once again in drag, to capture the palace and kill the Fishhead leaders. The resistance fighters don spacecraft and race to attack the Barbie droid control ship, and Anakin decides to also, wanting to die because of his separation with his mother.

Darth Maul shows up unexpectedly, and duels the two Jedi. The duel eventually reaches the basement of the palace, where Maul diverts Obi-Wan with giant roaches under his control. While that happens, he slices Qui-Gon's head off, slices his hand off, slices his knee off, and gouges his eyes out. Obi-Wan, angered, shakes off the roaches and severs Darth Maul's left fibula, and he falls to his death in a conveniently placed pit. Qui-Gon, somehow still alive, has his last rites delivered by a Catholic priest and makes Obi-Wan swear to train Anakin.


Meanwhile Anakin fires a torpedo that hits a Woodpecker fighter, which careens into the Barbie droid ship, which sends a power surge through that deck, which explodes, and the debris knocks a Naboo starfighter into the control room, destroying the ship. Down on the ground, the droids go into shutdown mode, and the battle is over.

Qui-Gon is cremated, and Yoda and Mace Windu snicker in the background at his funeral. The Nabooboo celebrate their freedom with a BBQ and lots of cheap beer, while Anakin looks on, now wearing pink Jedi Padawan robes, due to someone putting a red sock with his white Padawan robes in the Jedi washing machine.