Rambo Calrissian

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Rambo Calrissian
Biographical information



In the buff


In the buff

Physical description

Human (Note: not all sources agree on this)


Male (When Darth Obvious questioned his manhood, Rambo beat him to death with a rolling pin)


4.0 meters

Chronological and political information
Known masters


Known apprentices

Many, all of whom were PWNed by Kyle Katarn

"I'm Rambo"
―Rambo's usual conversation opener

Rambo Calrissian was one of the many brothers of Lando Calrissian. Unlike his brothers, he was not born. Proof of this exists in that he destroyed a planet with his favorite teddy bear, something a normally born person cannot do. This has led some to suggest that he might be a God. Regardless, the boy grew up to be a violent, berserk gun lovin' son-of-a-bantha.

Claims of his Godship resulted in God hunting him down and showing him the light of Katarn. This brought the galaxy back to the one, the only, Kyle Katarn. Naturally Rambo died in the fighting against such a being.

He was also known to suffer from Vitiligo.


First Blood

He first appeared (remember, he wasn't born) on Mandalore, where the young Rambo achieved his first kill when he impaled a MANDALORIAN Chieftain with his baby bottle. 100 Basilisk War Droids descended upon him immediately after this, but despite the desperation of the situation, Rambo had a plan. Using his favorite teddy bear, he single-handedly (and whilst wearing nothing more than a cloth diaper) destroyed all the Basilisk War Droids and a nearby planet to go with it. Stunned, the Mandalorians made him Mandalore.

Vigilante Years

Rambo became known as Mandalore Calrissian. He held this rank until he reached his forties, at which point, tired of PWN and power he decided to retire. He moved to Cloud City, where he took a job as a janitor from his brother Lando Calrissian. But life did not go as expected: his evil brother Fando Calrissian, sheriff of Cloud City became jealous of Rambo's PWNing abilities. His excuse to remove his older brother came when Rambo killed a man for spilling Jawa Juice on his clean floors. This was not unusual; Rambo almost always killed people that made a mess. But Fando used it as an excuse to issue a warrant for Rambo's arrest. Rambo, however, escaped. Using his incredible commando skills, he covered himself in mud for camouflage. Naturally, one would suspect that if someone saw a mud covered man while going down a perfectly clean white corridor that something was not right. But Fando Calrissian, in all his genius, knew that Rambo would be smarter than to try that. So his men ignored the muddy Rambo when they found him in a broom closet. This enabled him to PWN them all. Soon, only Fando was left standing against him.

Rambo attacked and grabbed Fando by his second metatarsal and proceeded to suffocate him with his own fro and then threw him into oblivion. He took Fando's remains and used his brother Lando's factory to make Fando into tasty butter, resulting in Lando Lakes Dairy Corporation.

The Last Years

After PWNing his younger brother Fando, Rambo went upon a pilgrimage to find out how to harness the Fear of Katarn, for he had suddenly been filled with the hunger to destroy planets. On his journey, he picked up many followers, and taught them Dark Secrets which some would consider unnatural. Furthermore, he found sacred books that belonged to none other than God. In these books, he found many secrets, some of which could lead to destruction of your planet if spoken aloud. He even went so far as to call himself God.

Upon finding his books stolen, God was most wroth, and he went forth, and using his Boomstick of Justice and his Beard, he fought Rambo and his followers. The battle took only 2 parsecs, for the Almighty Katarn kicked Rambo in the seat of the pants when he tried to use Katarn's own power against him. This resulted in the discovery of Hyperspace as the universe broke its own rules to accommodate Katarn. Rambo was forever locked in this extra dimension, and is still there to this day... For now.

Behind the scenes

Rambo Calrissian was portrayed by Donald Trump.