- "Love is the answer to the darkness. Love is all you need. Dude! Free love up in Jedi Limbo!"
- ―Qui-Gon Jinn on tree-hugging dead Jedi hippies
Qui-Gon Jinn was, like, a totally chilled-out Jedi cat, dude. He blew my mind man, blew my mind. This one time, dude, he started talking about these "midi-chlorians," and I was all like, "Dude, that's so trippy!" and he was all, "Yeah, dude, I totally made that shit up, man", and I was like, "Dude!", and he was like, "Dude!", and I was all, "Dude!"
So yeah, he was cool, man. Got wasted by some weird tattooed freak, dude, and that's not rad. A real bummer. BUT THE TATTOOED DUDE WAS A SITH!!! So that's cool, anyway. Though, right, I heard Yoda talking this one time, and he was all, "See Qui-Gon every day, I do" and, like, "Floating in front of me, he is." Dude needs to lay off the spice. Seriously.
Totally lame mission to Naboo
Okay, Qui-Gon had this apprentice, right? And he was, like, totally un-mellow. But they went to Naboo together, 'cause like, the Jedi Council said they'd be totally torqued if these total suits didn't give up and go home.
But you can totally guess what those fascist capitalist pigs did, right? Invaded. Total fuckin' set-up.
So Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan kinda, like, snuck onto the pigs' ships and got to Naboo, okay? And like, I dunno if you've ever been to the swamps down there, but man, there is some choice herb to be had, lemme tell ya. 'Course, you gotta avoid the Gungans, which is exactly what Qui-Gon was too baked to do.
Well, then they go through some totally mind-blowin' tunnels, and there's like these giant fish, okay? And Qui-Gon's all, "Whoah, I got a bad batch," but the Gungan's all like, "Naw, fool, they real killah fish, dawg" or something—I dunno, he just talked like that, or something.
Hookin' up with Princess Clown
Alright, so they're on Naboo for all this time, and Qui-Gon's like, "This lame planet is totally harshing my buzz, man." So they figure they're gonna score some tail. Trouble is she's, like, nine and she's a psycho clown. And of course Qui-Gon's all "You're not real! Get out of my head! And get these spiders off me!" But Obi-Wan's all, "Nah, dude, there's seriously a clown princess here."
So they try to escape the pigs, right? Well, of course, fuckin' pigs are all "You can't leave, and we're gonna shoot you and shit," and they get their hyperdrive shot out. Too bad my cousin wasn't there, man, 'cause he's like a total genius with hyperdrives. He totally cherried out my ship, dude. Hooker headers and thrush pipes. Whole enchilada, my man.
The planet of sand, man
So anyway, they can't go to the big city planet, so they go some place close by, 'cause they gotta go somewhere—Qui-Gon's got a big pile of Hardee's wrappers in the back seat and Princess Clown's all "Oh my god, this is so grody" and shit.
So they land on Tatooine, and Qui-Gon's all, "Sweet! We can score some tattoos, man!" And he was gonna get this one, okay, with like, a skull and a lightsaber goin' through it? And I guess there was gonna be a snake in there too. But Obi-Wan's all "Master, we have to fix the hyperdrive," harshin' the buzz as usual.
So, okay, they go to this shop, and Qui-Gon meets this kid, and he's all "Hey kid, you're small, you wanna sneak into the cantina and score us some Thunderbird?" But the kid's all "Fuck you, ya old hippie, I'm gonna be a Jedi." And they're all, "Yeah, whatever," but then he totally wins this pod race. I know, right?
Fightin' the power
So they leave Tatooine, and Qui-Gon takes the kid to the Jedi Council, but they're all bein' a bunch of old farts, and they're like, "This kid's too evil to train," or something. Even Mace Windu, who's normally really cool about that shit. So Qui-Gon's all "Fuck all y'all! I'll train him myself, you suck-ass losers!" And Obi-Wan's like, "No way!" And Qui-Gon's all, "Yes way!"
So then they go back to Naboo, 'cause like, Princess Clown wants to, or something. And they totally bust into the royal joint, okay, but then there's this tattooed Sith freak, and Qui-Gon's all "Dude, where'd you score those wicked tattoos? 'Cause like, we were just on Tatooine, right? But we never found any tattoo parlors." And, okay, this freak? He just STANDS there. Totally silent, man. Creepy fuckin' shit.
A most egregiously noble end
Okay, so this is like, where the story gets sad, okay. Because Qui-Gon? He's all saber-dueling this tattoo guy, you know, and Obi-Wan's helping, but then, I dunno, there's these laser wall things or something? And so it's just Qui-Gon and the Sith dude, and Qui-Gon totally takes a lightsaber to the gut, man. Dies right there. Well, first he like, told Obi-Wan to train the kid, which is totally bogus.