Naga Sadow

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Naga Sadow
Biographical information
Homeworld

Ziost

Died

Never

Physical description
Species

Sith-Human hybrid

Gender

Male

Height

1.88 m

Hair color

Brown

Eye color

Green

Chronological and political information
Era(s)

Old Republic era

Affiliation
Known masters

Simus

Known apprentices
"The Sith Empire will blaze like a supernova, unite the galaxy in our iron grasp, and Naga Sadow will rule! First rule, word processors will stop auto-correcting my name to Shadow. Death to Microsoft Office!"
―Naga Sadow

Naga Sadow was an ancient Sith Lord who became the ruler of the Sith Empire on the planet Ziost (where the Highlanders were from). He was one of the strongest Sith Lords of all time, whose immortal spirit later went on to teach future rulers of the galaxy how to succeed like he had, and not to screw up like he had.

Early life

Naga Sadow was born during the Golden Age of the Sith, a rich, prosperous, expansionist time in the Sith Empire, when men were real men, women were real women, and droids were programmed to act heterosexual. Marka Ragnos brought stability to the Empire, wealth into the pockets of the greedy, slaves into the mansions of the indolent, and victims into the clutches of the violent. Sadow was born to a stable, hateful family of Sith-Human hybrids, attended the finest, most evil schools, and went on to train with the wisest of the Sith Council, Simus. Simus was only a severed head, but he was an evil severed head, and he taught Naga Sadow to harness the Dark Side and also how to plot against the other Sith Lords, because that's how the Sith roll.

Conflicts

But then Marka Ragnos died, after an unnaturally long life, and it was time to choose a successor. As it happens, Naga Sadow was an ambitious, forward-thinking Sith, who wanted to bring hope and change and revolution to the stodgy, complacent Empire, but nobody else really wanted anything to change, because this was the Golden Age, don't you know, and besides, why go around starting revolutions and shaking up the status-quo when things are so awesome and there's a really evil episode of Dancing with the Sith on tonight? But Sadow was unsatisfied and wanted more. His primary political opponent was Ludo Kressh, a rich, prosperous, evil, but lazy fellow who wanted everything to stay the way it was.

Tensions boiled over, rhetoric grew more heated, and finally there was nothing to do but settle things one-on-one in a Sith duel to the death, winner becomes Dark Lord of the Sith. (Nobody was called "Darth," back then, though. They hadn't invented Darths.) They dueled with Sith swords, which were heavy swords made out of black metal and malevolence. Sith didn't screw around with lightsabers back then either. But before the duel could end, the Ghost of Marka Ragnos appeared before them and implored them to stop fighting, that the future of the Sith Empire was uncertain, and they would all have to band together.

Encountering the Republic

"Welcome, brothers. We bring food and medical supplies!" [bang!] "Poor devil. His gun must have gone off accidentally. Welcome, my children. We bring you balms and tinctures!" [bang! bang!] "I come in peace to sing you healing hymns!" [bang! bang!] "The poor wretch. He has a faulty gun. He's accidentally shot me five times. Oh, how I love him!"
―The first Republic explorer, arriving on Ziost

Moments after Marka Ragnos's announcement, a starship from the Galactic Republic arrived and "discovered" the Sith. The Sith viciously slaughtered the first guy off the ship, but just for the heck of it, they let the next arrivals live and introduce themselves. They were Gav and Jori Daragon, a naïve, innocent-eyed brother-sister team of explorers who wanted to establish trade. This greatly pleased both Ludo Kressh and Naga Sadow... but for different reasons. Ludo Kressh wanted trade to expand so that everyone would grow richer and happier, except the slaves, who would at least be slightly less overworked because the rich would be able to afford many more of them. Oh, and he also wanted to kill the Daragons, because why not? But Naga Sadow saw the annoying siblings and thought: "Wow, a Galactic Republic, eh? Declaring war on them would be a great way to unify our side." And he also wanted to kill the Daragons. Or did he? No. Or yes. Wait. No. Instead, he hatched a complex and byzantine scheme so intricate and bizarre that even he didn't entirely understand it.

The Great Hyperspace War

Naga Sadow took the Daragon siblings as prisoners, but posing as their friend, then staged an escape attempt, framed the Republic for doing it, got himself declared Dark Lord of the Sith, kept Gav and Jori separated, tempted Gav over to the Dark Side and taught him Sith magic, tricked Ludo Kressh into attacking him, tricked Gav into killing Ludo Kressh, and then started the Great Hyperspace War with the Republic. If that doesn't make sense, that's because you're just not as devious and smart as Naga Sadow.

All throughout Sadow's battles both with Ludo Kressh's followers and with the Republic, he used bizarre, arcane Sith magic to confuse his enemies with illusions. You know, phantasmal killers, monsters from the id, ManBearPigs, and the like. The magic was difficult to control and required intense meditation and also a physical amplifier that projected the Force onto distant battlefields. Naga Sadow created for himself a giant masturbation sphere, in which he stayed for hours, sometimes days at a time, controlling his fleets and conjuring up his fantastical illusions. Sometimes his Sith adepts would knock on the door, saying, "Naga Sadow, what are you doing in there?" and Sadow would assure them he would be right out in just a minute and never mind those thumping noises.

Unfortunately, Naga Sadow's attacks on Coruscant and other unimportant planets failed because Gav Daragon barged into Naga Sadow's masturbation sphere and broke his concentration. The Republic fleets drove the invaders away, and Naga Sadow retreated in disgrace to meet up with the rest of the Sith at Korriban. And who was waiting for Sadow when he came out of hyperspace? Ludo Kressh, who wasn't dead after all and was seriously pissed off. Kressh declared himself Dark Lord of the Sith, but he soon became the shortest reigning Dark Lords of all time after one of Sadow's ships kamikaze-attacked his flagship and he died in the massive explosion. But then the Republic fleet showed up and attacked Sadow's crippled fleet, and he barely managed to escape.

Death and undeath

"Well, that could have gone better."
―Naga Sadow, summing up his situation

After having lost his entire fleet and destroyed practically the entire Sith Empire, Naga Sadow limped off to Yavin 4, where he spent his retirement years performing magical experiments on his Massassi followers, turning them into monsters and Sithspawn and insurance salesmen. He built a bunch of evil temples and created a bunch of evil artifacts. Somewhere on Korriban the Sith built a Tomb of Naga Sadow, but he never got to use it. So just remember, "Who's buried in Naga Sadow's tomb?" is a trick question. It's empty.

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Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Naga Sadow.

Future Sith Lords often went to Yavin 4 to consult or try and kill Naga Sadow's spirit. Freedon Nadd learned Sadow's secrets and tried to ghost-bust him, but it didn't work. Also, some Jedi explored Sadow's tomb and got possessed by his spirit for a while. Beyond that, his ghost didn't have much to do except occasionally teaching some crotchety old man the True Meaning of Evil. Darth Bane, Darth Revan, and Darth Sidious all read some of Sadow's treatises on magic and poison. Darth Baker perverted his techniques to create evil food. Basically, if Naga Sadow had a legacy, it was his evil books, which took their place in evil libraries all across the galaxy, next to the Necronomicon and Sein Language.