14 BKOTOR (Before KotOR)
|Chronological and political information|
- "Hey – don't treat me like I'm a little girl! I ain't no kid – I'm twenty years old! I'm really, really, really hot and I'm totally legal."
- ―Mission Vao, in a perfect world
Mission Vao was a blue-skinned female Twi'lek who lived on the planet Taris during the Mandalorian Wars and the Jedi Civil War, along with her Wookiee friend Zaalbar, and eventually leaving to accompany Revan on his adventures.
Yes, see Mission now, grown to voluptuous womanhood, newly returned to her childhood home of Taris. The curious city-goers turn and stare at this delectable creature, her perfect hips swaying back and forth to match her confident stride, her bright, inviting eyes cast wistfully to the sky, her moist lips pensive with melancholy remembrances. Oh, what fun she once had here, innocently scampering among the corridors of the Undercity. She crosses her arms, cradling her well-formed breasts as she stares at the Taris cityscape stretching out into the distance. Her elegant lekku, lovingly wrapped in traditional black ribbons, fall around her young, eager face like the sapphire tresses of a mermaid emerging from the waves to feel the sun warm her bare skin. My home, Taris, where I grew up, she thinks. Was I really once so young and innocent?
Ah, but not so innocent as her achingly beautiful girlish figure might suggest. Mission was a scoundrel at heart. Living as a street urchin in the Undercity, she lived fast and played hard. Abandoned by her parents at an early age, she grew up with only her brother Griff to keep watch over her. She learned to slice computer terminals, break into apartments, and make contacts in the criminal world. Later, she met Zaalbar, helping him out in a fight with Black Vulkar thugs.
Her thieving skills served her well in later life. Flash ahead as Mission crouches silently in the darkness of a secret Sith base, carefully adjusting the computer spike in the access panel to gain entry and rescue dozens of Republic hostages. One mistake and the alarms would sound. Tension hangs thick in the air as a bead of sweat runs slowly down her bare chest, between her breasts, those two perfect turquoise globes that strained against the confines of her thin, almost transparent camisole, her nipples clearly visible, hard with excitement and nervousness. It was, of course, vital to wear as little as possible in an operation of this sort. The tiniest hint of static electricity from clothing could cause the spark that would alert security to her presence, even from something as seemingly harmless as pant legs rubbing together. No worry of that, though. Her bare thighs, azure and glistening in the reflected light from the diodes, rub together enticingly as she completes her work. Zaalbar was among those Republic hostages, and she would never abandon a friend in danger.
Emerging from her reverie, Mission continues her walk along the streets of Taris. An old man gives her a lustful stare, and her hand moves down to the blaster mounted on her hip... her skintight combat suit emphasizing the flawless curves of her thighs as they rose invitingly upward. The man hastily looks away. So many adventures, so many years since those old days. Was I really once so young and innocent? she thinks again.
- "Childish? Is that a crack about my age? You ain't much older than me, miss high and mighty! Stuck-up bitch, I do what I want, mm-hmm, that's right! Why you gotta get loud wit me? It's time to get busy, so let's kick this shit and bring it on!"
- ―Mission Vao, annoying Bastila
Well, unfortunately, yes, Mission Vao was once precisely that young and precisely that innocent, to the great frustration of all. In the full flower of womanhood, Mission was the hottest female ever to grace the galaxy. I mean, she was hot, smokin' hot, Mustafar style. Hey, I've got a mission she can tackle... in my pa—but wait, wait, because for some unthinkable reason, BioWare's KOTOR game insisted on introducing her as a 14-year-old girl! What the—! Fourteen? Fourteen? Damn you, BioWare! That's not right! Darthipedia may be twisted and evil, but we're not that twisted and evil. Well, at least not yet.
So, as a (dammit! dammit! *sigh*) 14-year-old orphan living on the streets of Taris, Mission was a spunky little girl with a tendency to complain about people's breath and whine about being treated like a kid. Which totally ignores the unpleasant truth that anyone who gave into the temptation not to treat her like a kid would be quickly rounded up by the Taris Special Victims Unit, Pedophilia Department. Accompanied at all times by her towering Wookiee companion Zaalbar, she was, however, quite safe from unwanted advances, even among the Taris Undercity scum.
She spent a lot of time hanging around the Hidden Beks swoop gang, which was led by Roadblock from G.I. Joe and his somewhat hot Twi'lek bodyguard Zaerdra, who was a hippie with tie-dyed lekku. When not hanging around the Hidden Bek base, Mission could often be found in Javyar's Cantina, where she dreamed of someday being one of the dozen or so dancing Twi'lek girls who made good credits doing nothing in particular. For a few months she went through an artsy-fartsy Joni Mitchell phase, where she wrote and performed songs filled with teen angst and faux sophisticated language.
Sound boring? It was! She was still kinda hot at 14, but only in a stop-thinking-about-it-you-pervert kind of way. But wait! It gets worse. Take a seat, right over there. You see, she shows up again, in a comic book... wait for it... even younger. What the hell?!
- "Hey, give me back my Yu-Gi-Oh! cards, ya big meanie!"
- ―Mission Vao
OK, now, this is just sick. So now Mission Vao is seven years old, streetwise and smart-mouthed, hanging out with her brother Griff in the Taris Undercity. She met Jedi Padawan Zayne Carrick and developed a crush on him. Zayne was suddenly gifted by the Force with a vision of what Mission would look like when she was 23, then he looked back down at the frustratingly seven-year-old girl in front of him and ran away screaming. This may have led to Zayne's later becoming a diehard fan of the Cardcaptor Sakura series.
Well, anyway, eventually Mission's brother hooked up with a well-intentioned, big-breasted Twi'lek girl named Lena, who was still hot, but only like a six or a seven by Twi'lek standards, and left his sister behind. Years later, Mission still referred to Lena as "that intergalactic skank."
But the point is, why the hell would anyone want to see Mission Vao at age seven when the legal 18+ Mission is out there somewhere? And why does she always get younger in every subsequent appearance? Hey, look, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button bombed at the box office for a reason! Hell, if we're gonna do this, why not take it to the ridiculous extreme?
Darth Ruptus interrupts
Yo, Mission, I'm really happy for you, Ima let you finish, but Beyoncé has one of the best videos of all time! The best videos of all time!
Little toddler life
Yes, at some point Mission Vao was an adorable little toddler just learning how to walk, talk and use the refresher. Griff didn't bother teaching her how to speak in ryll or Huttese, so she learned plain old Galactic Basic. This step toward integration into civil society was probably the only worthwhile thing Griff ever did. Mission learned to say "Mama" and "Dada," but Griff had to explain to her she was an orphan and she'd do better to learn how to hold up an empty bowl of gruel and ask, "Please, sir, may I have some more?"
Yeah, great, let's all watch Mission sitting in her highchair, using her Little Mermaid spoon to fling Cheerios across the room.
Life in the womb and before
At some point, Mission wasn't even born yet. She was just a tiny, growing mass of protoplasm with a vestigial tail and vestigial third lekku, staring blankly at the walls of her mother's womb like some mystical Star-Child waiting to be born.
And before that, her mom got pregnant by having hot passionate sex with some Twi'lek guy... hey, I wonder if Mission's mom was hot?
- Mission Vao's Happy Super Fun Time Party! (Adults only, or Darth Vader will, oh, Destroy your planet, or something to that effect.)
- Mission Vao's Escape from Taris Trading Card Game
- Hot Twi'lek Girls Sourcebook (cut content)