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Vader building his lightsaber
"This weapon is...oooo, my butt! Ah, better. It is...crap, my leg!"
Obi-Wan Kenobi
"Darth Vader had a long one, Windy whacks with his willy, Count Dookie had a curvy one, Jabba didn't have one, And Yoda rarely used his...."
Ki-Adi-Mundi at the 9th annual Jedi conference
"It burns us, gollum!"
―Wormie during the Duel on Bespin
Bzooo...bzoo, bzoo. Bzoo, bzoo!

Lightsabers were mystical beams of light in a saber form. Duh. They were used to PWN people, particularly by loss of limb, though not as powerful as blowing one's planet up. Real idiots would take their own limbs out.

They were the best form of a butter slicer, and even a back-scratcher.


Sometime around 15,500 BBY, a young Jedi was trying to sneak into the local Catholic girls school when he fell and damaged his flashlight. Worried that he would be found, he reassembled it in a hurry, accidentally replacing one of the batteries with a focusing crystal. (It happens, OK?) Upon turning it on he noticed that his flashlight had killed the grounds keeper, and made really cool whooshing noises. Thus the noble weapon of the Jedi was born.

It must be noted that for short time after it's creation, the lightsaber was only used as a noble Jedi Wii controller. This was later pointed out as being very stupid.

How not to use it

  • As a Backscratcher
  • As Toilet Paper
  • For Relations
  • As a dildo

See also